Cockblock-19

Just when I was getting into my stride, too.  However, nobody close to me is sick or dying or dead, so I can’t really complain.  And I’m lucky to say that, considering how close we are to the epicenter.   As of this writing there have been over 22,000 deaths in New York state alone.  The daily toll has gone down but we’re still losing 400 people on average.  Yet some people I know still think it’s much ado about nothing, a big hoax, a Democratic power grab, caused by 5G networks, or some other nonsense.

There’s no telling what effect this will have on dating once things get back to normal (whatever “normal” will mean).  Dating will either be freakishly easy because everyone will be horny and desperate after being cooped up for so long, or freakishly difficult because they’ll be more afraid of catching covid than an STD.  In the meantime I have to laugh because now everyone’s in the same boat:  can’t get a date, can’t meet anyone, can’t get laid… hey, welcome to what was my world for 30 years.

I was still swiping on Tinder and Bumble the whole time I was banging College Girl.  I felt slightly guilty but – knowing my luck – things could go sideways real fast and I wanted a backup plan.  Sure enough, things ended with College Girl, but due to unforeseen circumstances outside our control.  Maybe we’ll get a chance to hookup again, but I’m not counting on it.  However, I racked up a few more dates before the quarantine began and people started panic-buying toilet paper (for reasons still unclear to me).

#72
33 years old, from Bumble.  Another teacher.   We were supposed to meet at this indie coffee shop but they unexpectedly closed early, so we ended up at Starbucks instead.  It was an above average date.  We talked for two and a half hours and had a nice flow.  She’s one of the rare few who actually likes to compare dating stories and experiences.  But while she’s recently out of a relationship and supposedly on board with the idea of something casual, she wanted to take it slow and spend more time getting to know each other outside the bedroom first.

Yeah…that sounds more like traditional dating to me.  I don’t think that’s how this FWB stuff works.  I suspected she wasn’t fully on board after all.  She gave me her phone and told me to put my number in, but after texting a couple of times she went MIA.  Suspicions confirmed.   Although, during our conversation we’d found out I’d once gone on an OkCupid date with one of her friends (Melody, girl #23).  It’s a long story how that came up, but talk about a small world.  Maybe that had something to do with her ghosting on me.

#73
She was 46, from Tinder, and my oldest date yet.  I should have listened to my instincts and not wasted my time with this one, but I have this awful habit of giving people a chance.  The initial warning was when I opened Tinder and found two messages from her.  The first message was some general question, followed by “oh well, guess you’re not interested in meeting.  Good luck to you.”  I checked the timestamps and they were sent eight minutes apart.  Seriously?  “Geez, how about giving me a chance to respond?” I wrote back, and she sent me a facepalm emoji.

Then I suggested a place to meet.  “Are they open today?”  I answered that they should be and she came back with, “well, why don’t you put on your big boy pants and call and find out,” as if I hadn’t already intended to do so.  Normally I would have taken her passive-aggressive attitude and told her to pound sand, but I’m just looking for a sex partner right now so I’m not as fussy.   When we met she asked me lots of questions which I was happy to expound upon, but she was pretty tight-lipped when I turned the questioning around on her.

I grew irritated as we were in a noisy-as-fuck bar on a Saturday night, and I was losing my voice from having to talk louder and louder until I was almost shouting.  Meanwhile she was one of those people with no concept of traveling of sound and maintains the same speaking volume no matter the situation.  I was losing interest and the feeling was mutual.  She didn’t talk much and didn’t want to answer questions, so I turned my attention to the live music starting up – which she wrinkled her nose at.  What a stick in the mud.

Finally I called it a night and bid her adieu.  Waste of an hour and a half.  Earlier in the night I had broached the FWB topic and she was like, “this isn’t a date, it’s a meeting” and “I don’t like to put a label on things,” adding that she likes to be friends first and see what happens.   Once again… I don’t think that’s how this works.  I figure you match, meet up and see if you get along and find each other physically attractive, and move onto the fucking.  At least that’s how it works in my mind.  Am I oversimplifying it?  I don’t think so, because College Girl came right over to my place to have sex without preamble.  I struck gold with her, so I’m sure I can do it again.

#74
I had one last date (33yo, from Bumble) before quarantine started.  Once again it felt more like a traditional date, although it was a unique choice of venue – the beach in wintertime.  I never thought I’d find someone else into stuff like that.  However, everyone else in the world had the same idea because it was packed like the middle of July instead of March.  We walked six feet apart, doing the whole social distancing thing.  That lent itself to a weird dynamic, although she did venture close enough to sample the homemade cookies I’d brought for us to munch on.  We got off to a good start but by the end it seemed we were running out of things to talk about.  And that was that.  No contact afterwards.

***

That’s it for the foreseeable future.  I won’t be doing virtual or Zoom dates or any of that nonsense.  However I matched with someone on Tinder who possibly shed some light on my struggles.  First she admitted she hadn’t read my bio first, so she wasn’t interested in a FWB.  Then she psychoanalyzed me based on my pictures, telling me that I wanted kids, that I’m looking for something meaningful, and “you crave connections, bro.”  Dafuq?  Why, because I was holding an animal?  Then she went on to suggest that I retool my Tinder profile, because “anyone advertising FWB subconsciously wants something.”

Yeah.  I don’t know what to make of this – thoughts anyone?

And last but not least, I have something exciting to announce in my next post.  I’m expanding my social media presence onto Instagram.  Details coming soon…

College Girl

I was a bit bummed out after date #70, wondering if my search for a FWB would be as fruitless and frustrating as my regular dating attempts.  So I was sat on the couch later that night swiping through Tinder when a new match popped up.  Damn.  She was a pretty young thing.  I didn’t get too excited; I’d had similar matches before and they all petered out.

Not this one though… we were barely a couple of minutes into chatting before she asked “when are you free?”  I said it was too bad we didn’t match earlier because I was free that night. (It was nearly 10 PM by that point.)

“Conveniently I’m also free tonight,” she replied.

Me:  “Are you now… well if it’s not too late for you, I’m down to meet somewhere.”

Her:  “Your place?”

Whoa, what?  Were we really moving this fast?  My guard went up.  “That’s an idea,” I said.  “You don’t want to meet me somewhere public first, make sure I’m not a psycho or anything?”

Her:  “Honestly I’m really just looking for sex.”   I sat bolt upright with a very surprised erection.  Well, shit.  Maybe my luck was about to change. Was this for real though? I was about to find out.

“lol works for me. I’m okay with you coming over if that’s what you want to do.  Let’s do it,” I said, despite my better judgment.  Once again the smaller of my two heads prevailed.  She was a student at the local university and didn’t have a car, so I gave her my address and she ordered herself an Uber.  In the meantime I made a mad dash around my house, showering and cleaning and securing my valuables.

#71
She arrived a half-hour later and I was all ready for her.  I opened the door and she looked just like her pictures.  We exchanged greetings and she informed me that she’d just had her tits pierced so they were off-limits.  Dammit… and I’m such a boob guy too. “But we can do everything else,” she added.

“Not a problem,” I said.  “Shall we get to it?”  She smirked and rolled her eyes and headed off to my bedroom in response.  Well, it looked like we were doing this!  She was already sat on my bed by the time I got through the door.  If you’d told me a couple hours earlier that there’d be a smoking hot girl on my bed, I never would have believed it.  It was totally surreal.

I took a seat next to her and leaned in to kiss her. In a flash she was in my lap, straddling me and grabbing me everywhere – fistfuls of hair, cupping my face, seizing my back and shoulders and neck.  I was getting super hard, especially when she started tugging on the bottom of my shirt.  She rolled onto her back and pulled me on top of her, sliding one hand down the front of my pants to feel me.  Clothes were quickly shed and my face went in between her legs.  I certainly didn’t need any encouragement, but she was mashing my face into her pussy and arching her hips towards me.  She was so wet it dripped off my chin and left puddles on the sheets.

And she liked it rough.  With other girls, one finger inside was always enough, but she wanted a second and then a third.  Wowzers.  She was also into spanking.  Smack.  Harder.  Smack!  Harder.  SMACK.  HARDER!  I hit her so hard that my handprint was visible and the slaps echoed off the walls.  Hair pulling?  You betcha, and she kept indicating more force.  Then she wanted me to choke her.  I wrapped both hands around her throat while I fucked her, and she kept gasping for me to choke her harder until she could barely articulate the words.  Jesus Christ.

Unsurprisingly she was also a biter.  Not just my lips and tongue, but my dick went into her mouth a few times and I had bite marks there as well.  Ouch.  Finally I had to tell her to ease up a little, but not before she gave me my first hickey ever.  I proudly sported it the next day, hoping that at least one person would comment on it and I could just raise my eyebrows and give a sly smile in reply.  No such luck, but in any case we were at it for two hours that night and I felt like a new man the next morning.  Suddenly it seemed as if anything – and anyone – was possible.

We went for Round Two this past weekend, and it was even hotter – not least of all because her tits were open for business this time. I went to town on them and her lady parts. As usual I did my best to make sure she was satisfied.  Damn this girl is horny as all get out.  She never seems to get enough and I can barely keep up with her. Going to have to work on my stamina. After going through a few condoms we just lay there sweaty and tangled up in the bedsheets.

“Are you really 19?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

“So you like older guys?”

She laughed. “Obviously.”

Goddamn though… where the hell was this when I was in college? I guess I’m making up for it now. And this certainly makes up for the nonsense with #68.  This time she stayed the night, much to my delight. I woke up with her arms and legs wrapped around me and her hands stroking my member.  She did it with such a soft touch that it was driving me crazy, and it wasn’t long before I was inside her again, picking up where we’d left off the night before. She hooked her arms under mine and grabbed my back and my ass as I pounded her, whimpering into my ear how good it felt.

Needless to say I didn’t last long after that.

College Girl is not one for conversation.  Like… at all, unless it’s to tell me to go harder and faster.  Either she’s determined to keep things strictly sexual, or she’s just really shy otherwise.  Once you get her behind closed doors, though, she’s a wild animal.  Tinder really came through for me this time, after having had zero luck in the past.  Now we’re working on setting up Round 3, hopefully within the next few days.

The anticipation is killing me…

Serial dating

Well, guess who was back on Bumble and scored a bunch more dates?  Yours truly.  Yup. I know, I know… I keep saying I’m done forever and never going back, yet I keep returning every few months like an Alzheimer’s patient.  I guess deep down I think a 3-6 month break to regroup will result in better luck next time, but (spoiler alert!) I still haven’t cracked online dating.

Of course, I wasn’t taking it seriously this time either.  I put up a joke profile in order to collect more funny screenshots of my conversations.  However I also collected dozens and dozens of matches along with my first hookup, so maybe I was onto something. People appreciated my sense of humor so I started screening them for first dates.  If they enjoyed a pic of me sitting on the toilet reading the bible, then maybe they were worth getting to know.

#51

First one up was a 36yo teacher from a few towns over.  We met at a bar/restaurant where I’d met a few other dates from the same area.  She came across way older and more mature than I expected.  I felt like I was having a sit-down with one of my teachers from high school.  It was a little off-putting.  We sat and drank and talked about a bunch of shit for two hours and… nothing.  Didn’t feel anything.  We called it a night and she told me to call her if I wanted to get together again.  I think she was just being polite, but I wasn’t interested.  However she did introduce me to Blue Moon.  Pretty tasty and went down very easily.  I put away two of them and ended up very giggly.  After the date I had to sit in my car for a while before I felt ready to drive home.

#52

Next one was a 29yo social worker.  She lived locally and we went to the nearby crepe place – another venue I’ve met a few dates at.  I approached this one with caution.  All of her pictures were from the neck/cleavage and up, so you know what that means.  She was waiting outside the place, and I parked a little bit away so I had to time to appraise her as I approached.  “Hmm… okay, I can work with that,”  I thought to myself.  Things got off to a strong start conversation-wise but dropped off after a while.  We were only there for an hour, hour and a half at most.  I was mildly interested in seeing her again and reached out afterwards, but no response.  Another girl down.

#53

34yo, worked in sales for some health product company.  And she was a former Mormon.  Very interesting.  We had similar strict religious upbringings, so we could relate to each other a lot.  She was even more sheltered than I was though.  She was a recent transplant from the city and lived in a town that I knew very well.  Unfortunately, I didn’t know it as well as I thought because the mac and cheese place I took her to was still under construction.  Whoops.  My internet research told me it was open.

Fortunately I knew a sports bar in the center of town.  In fact, it was yet another place I’d taken a few dates to.  Apparently I have regular date spots, but they’re good spots so why fix what’s not broken?  And they had a mac and cheese dish she really liked so… hero!  I was rather taken with her too.  She was the hottest girl out of this latest bunch.  But I was relaxed and comfortable with her and conversation flowed well.  Only at the very end of the two hours did things start to peter out.  I suggested another place just down the road, but she passed. Damn.

We walked to the parking lot, exchanged nice meeting yous, hugged good night and went our separate ways.  We stayed in touch for a couple days and then things fizzled. Oh well.  I thought she might have been fun to spend more time with.  But she also might have been a bit too conservative for my tastes.  I don’t mean politically, because we covered that topic on our date and we were mostly on the same page.  I just need someone with a bit more edge.

#54

29yo lawyer, and you know what lawyers use for birth control… their personalities.  Okay, it wasn’t that bad.  She looked just like her pictures and it was pleasant enough, but she was kinda “meh” to me.  Apparently the feeling was mutual because while I did my best to keep the conversation going, she hardly asked a single thing about myself.  At least she bought her own drink while I had myself another Blue Moon.  She called it a night at 9:30.  Then we walked to the parking lot, exchanged nice meeting yous, hugged good night and went our separate ways.

 #55

I seem to be see-sawing between 29yo and 34yo here.  This one was 34 and worked in the events and activities office at her college.  And she lived all the way in Brooklyn. Oof.  Apparently we matched due to one of my trips in and out of the city.  I normally wouldn’t consider someone that far in, but she was being all flirty and winky in our conversations so I thought it was worth investigating.

We met at a halfway point but the place we agreed upon was noisy as fuck.  Oh hell no.  I suggested a bar down the street which had live music but was marginally better.  This is why I don’t like to do bars for weekend dates.  I want to have a nice, relaxed, fun and flirty conversation – which is hard to do when you have to shout everything.  Not to mention I have to sit or lean in so close to hear that I feel like I’m invading personal space.

She looked great though.  She also had some of the spirit and energy I was looking for.  That was because she was a stereotypical Italian.  Yappity yappity yappity.  Never a quiet moment with her.  But she was a bit of a conversational steamroller, crushing all other words and sentences in her path.  Between that and the increasing volume of the place (I swear the guitarist was increasing it one notch after every song) I was getting aggravated and not feeling things anymore.  After two hours I also had a headache.

I called it a night.  Then we walked to the parking lot, exchanged nice meeting yous, hugged good night and went our separate ways.  The usual story.  I debated with myself on the way home, wondering if I was making a mistake casting this one aside.  I kinda liked her, but I didn’t think I could manage the distance.  I also wasn’t sure what else I could do with her.  I slept on it, and when I awoke in the morning I realized I was fine with not seeing her again.

***

I got along really well with the next girl I talked to.  Twice I tried to set up a first date but she kept sidestepping my attempts.  Finally she confessed that she connected with someone else and wanted to explore things.  Okay.  Goodbye.

The next one lived even further away than Brooklyn Girl, but she was the first one in ages to match me in silly and witty banter.  We talked for two weeks and set up a date for a Sunday, but she developed cold feet a few hours beforehand.  First she made noises about rescheduling, then asked if I didn’t prefer to meet someone closer?  She went on and on about how she doesn’t typically meet guys from my area, this isn’t going to work in reality, etc. etc.  Jesus.  This didn’t occur to her at any time before during the past two weeks?  The whole thing collapsed like a house of cards, but on the bright side I ended up with a Sunday all to myself.

And lastly, I had a really hot prospect that I was talking to for the past three weeks.  We even graduated to the phone and had hours-long conversations, something I’d never done before.   I was really excited to meet her and we were supposed to meet this past Saturday, but she went cold turkey on me come Thanksgiving.  I texted her a couple of times over the weekend and got no response.  So I have no idea what happened, but I figure someone more interesting came along.

That’s all for now, folks.

Meh

Okay, I did it.  I went back to online dating.  Four weeks, three apps and two dates later, I called it quits.  It was the same nonsense all over again.  There’s been no change in my experiences with – or opinion of – online dating.  It works for some people, but apparently I’m still not one of them.  And I have neither the energy nor the desire to continue with it.  So I’ve kicked it to the curb for the hundredth time, and feel loads better as a result.

Here’s how it all went down this time.

I haven’t been on OkCupid for years.  Back in the day it was the source of most of my online dates.  Well, they’ve made changes and not for the better.  You can still message anyone, but they can’t see your message unless they “like” you back.  And the number of users has dropped precipitously.  Last time there was an endless supply of matches.  This time I exhausted all possibilities within a few days.  I collected 35 likes but only one was mutual.  Her profile didn’t give me much to work with, and this was our exchange:

Did we date once?  Did we talk once?  Was she trying to be funny?  We certainly didn’t fuck, I know that much.  But I never heard from her after that, so it will forever be a mystery.  Two more weeks went by without any new matches or messages. All I had to show for my efforts was that head-scratching conversation.

*delete account*

Next up was Tinder.  I never had much luck with it in the past and it was the same this time around.  Little activity, lack of conversation, flakiness, suspiciously fake-looking profiles… Meanwhile I had over 50 matches on Bumble and a slew of conversations going.  Goodbye, Tinder.  I burned through many of my Bumble matches, not hesitating to unmatch with those who failed to impress.  I was most popular with 28-35 year-olds and it didn’t take long to line up two back-to-back dates.

#47
She was 35 and a police officer.  Only a couple years older than myself but seemed more mature than that. Byproduct of her job, perhaps.  We met at a sports bar for dinner and drinks and quickly settled into nice, easy conversation punctuated by a number of laughs.  We seemed to be enjoying each other’s company.  Midway through she casually mentioned she was recently divorced.  This is the second or third time that’s happened on a date.

*theme from Jaws starts playing softly in the background*

jaws

Yeah, I’m starting to encounter this.  Well, she didn’t mention having kids, so I guess it wasn’t as big a deal.  Although, that’s something else I’ve been running into.  There’s a number of single moms out there who don’t disclose they’re single moms until they think it’s safe.  That happened several times during my latest stint on Bumble.  Sorry, but your personality is not going to overcome my dislike of kids.  Best to be upfront about it and not waste either of our time.

But I digress.  We stayed there for an hour and a half, and then I suggested going across the street for brews and board games.  It was a really cool spot and a popular hangout for people in our demographic.  She enthusiastically agreed, but in between getting up from the table and reaching the exit she changed her mind, saying it was late and she ought to be going.  I walked her to the parking lot and hugged her good night.  She texted me the next day and we went back and forth a little, but eventually things dropped off and that was that.


#48
This one was cute as hell – and she confided that she thought I was too – so I was pretty excited to meet her.  We met at a cheesecake place near my house and I liked what I saw.  She seemed a little more my speed, but the more we talked the more she appeared to be a homebody.  Nothing much in the way of hobbies or activities either.  Hmm.  I wasn’t sure what I could do with her, although certain extra-curricular activities came to mind as I eyed her up and down.  We called it a night after a couple of hours.  The next day I invited her to see a band play at a brewery but she politely declined, claiming other commitments.  Then she unmatched with me.


#49…?
I wouldn’t really count this as a date.  It was hardly even a meeting.  I was suspicious from the start, since her Bumble profile was nothing but pics of her performing and links to her music website and YouTube videos.  We talked music and she said I should come see her play at a bar that Saturday.  I did, but when I got there I saw that I wasn’t the only one she invited out.  I barely got to speak to her either.  My hunch appeared to be correct.  She was using Bumble to promote herself and her gigs.  Not the first time I’ve run into that either.  I’ve seen bartenders do the same.

I had two other hot prospects after that.  I really wanted to meet them both, but for reasons unknown they suddenly stopped talking to me.  One of them asked if I had an Instagram, which I thought was a little odd, then went quiet after I supplied my handle.  I didn’t post anything untoward on there, so I don’t know what happened.  The other unmatched with me after a few days of silence.

Eventually I ran out of Bumble matches, and I deleted the app a short while later.  So I got that out of my system.  I’m sure this is the point where my readers are going to suggest Match or Zoosk or Hinge or Coffee Meets Bagel or Duck Meets Goose or Nut Meets Bolt, or some other dating app.  Not interested.  I’m just going to do like my friend told me:  “Don’t date.  Just go out and meet people.”  Which is exactly what I’ve been doing, and it’s already bearing some fruit.  More on that in the next post…

Feelings

I’ve kept a positive, upbeat outlook over the course of this blog, but I was in the doldrums a while ago.  Just a little bit.  It’s passed now.  Part of it was standard winter blues, but another part was my perpetual singleness.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m happy with myself and my life.  I don’t need “my other half” or someone to complete me. But I want more.  I want someone to share the good things in life with.  Food.  Drink.  Laughter.  Music.  Travel.  Sex.  Just to name a few.

For a short while – nearly two glorious months – I got a taste of what that was like.  I had sex.  I lost my virginity.  I finally felt like I was in the know, part of the club, part of the world, “normal.”  I stopped feeling those pangs when I saw couples.  I did things that come so easily to most people:  hugging, kissing, cuddling, massaging, holding hands, or just sitting on beach watching the sunset – things other people take for granted.  Until I slept with Rebecca a few times, I had no idea just how warm another human body was.

Now it’s been ten months.  I’m doing my best to leave her in the past where she belongs.  I blocked her on Facebook to resist the urge to snoop or message.  I’m doing my best to not to dwell on negative thoughts and remain forward-looking.  Therefore I’ve been filling up my time with hobbies and activities to keep my mind on other things.

I’ve been hitting the gym hardcore for the past three months.  It’s a great outlet for my pent up sexual energy and frustrations.  I continue to set personal records in deadlifts, squats, and bench presses.  I’ve stacked three, four, or even five 45lb plates on the weight sled and pushed it back and forth across the floor until my legs gave out and my arms shook.  My buddy and I tried a class last weekend that nearly wiped us out.  But my body is responding and I’m tipping the scales at 187 pounds – a number I dreamed about for years.

The gym is not my only arena of success these days.  I’ve been out there marketing myself and I gained ten new clients, so this should be my best year financially.  I had a great parade season and a triumphant return to solo performing.  I’m practicing several instruments a week and I sound better than ever. (I find playing music as cathartic as going to the gym.) My passport arrived and I’m planning some more travel.  And I’m giving my life a complete overhaul – new car, clothes, furniture, appliances – everything.

#41
Throughout all of this I’ve had Bumble running in the background.  The last app standing.  There was that one awkward date a couple months ago, and since then I canceled on two more because I’d decided I’d rather go to the gym instead.  I just used the always popular, vague line of “something came up.”  I felt a bit shitty doing it, but deep down I felt those dates would have ended up like all the others, so why bother?

But there was one final Bumble date.  I tried to keep the online chatter light and flirty and save all the getting-to-know-you questions for in-person.  As Matthew Hussey says, “if you’re using texting to ask, ‘How many brothers and sisters do you have?’… you’re doing it wrong.”  So I gave that a shot, but it didn’t matter.  Once again I met a girl who checked out of the conversation after five minutes and I was the only one left making an effort.

I’d talk, I’d ask questions, she’d respond… and I’d wait.  Nothing.  Nothing asked about myself in return.  Scratch that – she asked literally two questions, almost as afterthoughts:  what was my job, and did I live alone?  When I realized she kept glancing at her phone on top of her purse on the chair next to her, I bade her farewell.  I know a lost cause when I see one.  And thus concludes my online dating efforts.  Permanently.

After so many years, I’ve come to conclusion that it’s a supreme waste of time.  There’s always the anecdotal success story, but I could never get it to work for me.  It never felt right – always forced and awkward and unnatural.  Personal experience and informal polling of friends and fellow bloggers tells me that meeting people in real life is the way to go.  Not to mention that I had more success with Rebecca than all the girls I met online put together.

Now that spring is finally here I’m compiling a bucket list, which includes several upcoming Meetups.  I’m trying to get to that same sweet spot I was in last year, where I found the perfect balance of doing my own thing and not worrying about finding someone.  Then BAM, it literally happened when I least expected it.  In the meantime I feel I’ve grown content with the status quo again.

I also continue to work on myself.  It’s almost comical… I’ve had thirty years to work on myself – how much more time do I need?  There’s always room for improvement, I guess, like with my conversation skills.  That’s partly why I’ve been filling up my calendar with things to do – gives me shit to talk about.  I’m doing my best to be more social and to fight reverting back to my natural introverted state.

So I guess that’s all I have to say for the time being.  I’ve had this blog post drafted for weeks and weeks and I kept revisiting and revising as my thoughts and feelings ebbed and flowed.  Now I’m finally ready to publish, and we’ll see what happens next in life.

Stay tuned.

Beginnings

True to my word, I’ve been taking a break and focusing on other things for the time being.  First up was the local traditional music orchestra.  They meet once a month to rehearse.  I didn’t get in touch with the contact person until after the February practice.   I couldn’t make March because it conflicted with my St. Patrick’s Day commitments.  Then April was canceled.  And then I couldn’t make May because it was the same day as my nephew’s First Communion.  Now I can’t make June because I’ll be out of town visiting my brother that weekend.  Always something.  But I’ll make it there eventually.  In the meantime I’ve obtained the book of music and I’ve been familiarizing mysef with the tunes.  I’m also planning on hitting the open mic circuit again over the summer.

Next up was the gym.  I’d been considering joining one for some time.  While my job and my dancing keep me in relatively good shape and I’ve been doing some workouts at home, I wanted to get serious with it and one of my friends volunteered to be my gym buddy.  It took us a couple of weeks before we finally got started, but we’re now going three times a week and both of us already feel a huge difference in our lives.  He says it’s even helped him drastically cut down on his smoking and drinking.  I’ve also noticed a nice change in my body.  Turns out I respond well to serious weightlifting.

Work is in full swing now and I’m busy prospecting to expand my customer base.  I dumped my far-flung (and most annoying) customers this year, and not only am I working to replace them but to add more on top of that.  So far I’ve picked up two new ones.  Good stuff.  I still have more leisure time than I had planned on so I’ve been using it to go on hikes and explore parks and preserves that have been on my to-do list for a long time.

In the middle of all of this I actually landed another first date.  I had left my OKC profile up just in case, and sure enough some girl came across it and sent me a message.  She found me interesting and I was intrigued by her as well.  If she wanted to meet me then I wasn’t going to turn her down.  However I met her for brunch and found I just wasn’t that into her.  I didn’t feel we had much in common after all.  When she asked me afterwards if I wanted to go somewhere else, I said I had to meet up with a friend who was visiting from out of town (which I did).  We made tentative plans for the next weekend, but I never followed up and neither did she.

And there’s another reason why I didn’t get back to her…

Because without planning on it, without expecting it, without trying to…

I met someone.

First dates:  36
Second dates:  4
Third dates:  2
Cancellations:  9
Stood up:  2
First kisses: 3

Resurrection

Spring has arrived and it’s dating season once more.  I’m searching on OKC again and my inexhaustible supply of matches continues to astound me.  I can only imagine how many more I’d have if I lived in the city as opposed to the suburbs.

I felt like hot shit when I triple-booked Tuesday.  That’s right, I had three dates lined up.  Then one by one they all canceled.  This one had to drive her sister someplace, this one was with her mom at the hospital, this one had a quiz to study for… Two of them made noises about rescheduling, but the ball’s in their court.  I told them to let me know when is good for them and I left it at that.  In the meantime I’m moving on with my search.

I did score two dates over the weekend, though:

#31
This one I reeled in via one of my let’s-see-if-this-gets-a-response messages.  She wrote back and before long we exchanged numbers and started texting.  The conversation got better and better until we agreed that we had to meet.  A date was set for Saturday night at a crepe place.  We were just as excited about meeting as we were at the prospect of food.

I was positive that we would hit it off and I had a really good feeling about things, but she telegraphed her disinterest the second she walked into the door.  I hadn’t even stood up or said one word yet.  I gave her a hug which she weakly reciprocated, and we took a seat after ordering our food.

Things were just totally off.  I did my best to engage with her, but despite our shared dance background (we’d even attended the same school) I just couldn’t get a conversation going.  I went from topic to topic.  Nothing.  Of course, it would have helped if she had participated.  She gave me one-sentence answers and then silence, punctuated by glances at her phone or around the shop.  She didn’t ask me a single question about myself, even when I volunteered information. Talking to the wall would have been more productive.

No sooner had I taken my last bite did she start pulling on her coat.  “Well, you’re putting on your jacket so I guess that means you’re ready to leave,” I said dryly.  We’d only been there for 40 minutes.

“Yeah,” she said.  “I’m sorry, I’m just not feeling this.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” she grimaced at me.  “There’s just something about you I can’t put my finger on.”  She paused.  “You’re kinda nerdy, I guess.  Too straight-edge for me.  And the way you’re dressed…”  This coming from the girl wearing a basic sweater and jeans and next to no makeup.  Meanwhile I thought I looked pretty good.  I wore the same jeans and button-down I wore when I met my new friend Emma, and she said I looked good.

“What’s wrong with the way I’m dressed?” Well, she didn’t like that I was wearing sneakers, going so far as to put her head under the table to look at them.  What the fuck.  This was the problem?  Was I supposed to put on dress shoes to eat crepes?   Now I was getting really annoyed, and I was right on her heels to leave.  When we were outside I just said goodbye and that was it.  So… yeah.  That was pretty disappointing.  And I just couldn’t get over the disconnect between the girl I talked to online and the one I met in person.

#32
This one was actually on Easter.  I’ll call her California Girl.  She’s only in NY for a year for her graduate program and she’s going back to California in August.  She’s more of an outdoorsy type so I suggested a walk through the nature preserve.  When she arrived I took Gratuitous Rex’s advice to dispense with the hugging and just grasp her hand and kiss her on the cheek instead.  However she seemed totally caught off guard and I got her on the ear instead of her cheek.  Woo.  Awkward.

I turned her attention to the ducks clustered nearby, but they weren’t interested in the lettuce I brought.  Damn.  Awkward on two fronts now.  So I gave up on my web-footed friends and led her through the park instead.  Once we got past that rough beginning things went a little more smoothly.  And what a difference from the previous night. CG actually knew how to participate in a conversation.  Quite refreshing.

We toured the preserve, discussing the differences between NY and CA, swapping online dating stories, talking about our jobs, and then we found a giant orb in the middle of a field.  Upon closer inspection we found a slit in the side and an inscription:  “Cartas al Cielo.” Letters to the Sky.  A celestial mailbox for delivering messages to the heavens. We each wrote something and put it inside.  I’d say that was a pretty cool find.

IMG_3867

We were there for almost two hours before calling it a day.  She wants to explore as much of NY as she can while she’s here and she said she was open to another outdoor adventure with me.  However I got the impression that I was completely friend zoned.  She showed zero interest in anything beyond that, so if we do get together again that’s all it’ll be.  It just sucks because I found her really attractive and easy to talk to.  Even though I was nervous and tongue tied some of the time… just can’t seem to get past that no matter how many dates I go on.

 

First dates:  32
Second dates:  3
Third dates:  2
Cancellations:  10
Stood up:  2
First kisses: 2

Bumble

I just went on my first Tinder date.  She was a 29yo kickboxing instructor and aspiring teacher, and pretty cute.   I’ve been on Tinder for a week and I have 30 matches so far.  Half of them haven’t responded to my messages.  Conversations with the other half didn’t go anywhere but I did make some headway with The Kickboxer.  I even experimented by dropping in a few flirty/suggestive remarks, which seemed to go over well.  Then I saw an opening when she said she moved here from out of town, “but it’s a long story.”

“I’d like to hear it,” I said.  “How about over drinks?”

She accepted.  Game on.  We spent two hours sitting and talking over food and beer.  Eventually I ended up in the usual rut of work/school/family/travel/online dating stories… and then I simply didn’t know what else to talk about.  I didn’t think she was really feeling me either, so I called it a night before things got awkward.  When we parted ways I didn’t say anything about getting together again.  I simply told her I had a good time and enjoyed meeting her, and that was that.

Another girl down.

JBlondie told me that this is a bad time of year to be dating and that summer is the season.  I tend to agree since that’s when I’ve had the most success.  I’ve been experimenting on OkCupid with different pictures and profile tweaks. When the blizzard hit a few weeks ago, I took advantage of everyone being online and sent out a blizzard of messages.  I got a pretty good number of responses.  Most of them fizzled out, although I was casting a wide net so I expected to throw some fish back. Over the past few weeks at least a dozen girls even deleted their profiles in the middle of our conversations, one of whom I was in the middle of setting up a date with.

It’s been frustrating and my OKC profile is languishing.  I decided it was time to try something different, so I’ve gotten with the times and I’m on Tinder now.  I’m also on another app called Bumble (also a good word to describe how my dating attempts feel at times).  Bumble is basically a Sadie Hawkins version of Tinder.  When you match with a girl she has 24 hours to message you, otherwise the match expires and then it’s gone forever.  So far I’ve lost over 20 Bumble matches.

Between that and the non-responses on Tinder, I have to wonder why these girls swiped right for me in the first place.  Sometimes I wonder if being on these apps isn’t just an ego boost for some of them, or a matter of self-promotion since they all use their profiles to advertise their Instagrams.  Who knows.  I’m not really a fan of these apps because I find it much harder to start a conversation when all I have to work with is pictures.  At least on OKC there are profiles to read and match questions to compare.

Truth be told, I’m not a fan of online dating – period.  After 7+ years of on-and-off attempts, I’m starting to think that it just isn’t going to be my path to success.  I’d still rather meet someone the old-fashioned way, but right now I don’t have a better place to meet single girls in these numbers.   However I am making continued efforts to meet people organically.  I’ve been trying new activities and I’ve already made a new friend or two. I should have a better chance of meeting someone by expanding my social circle.

Recently I’ve started confiding in my existing friends about my dating struggles.  I’ve never discussed it with any of them before.  They don’t know I’m a virgin, although I’m sure some of them suspect it.  But I figured it might be a good idea to spread the word that I’m single and looking.  Unfortunately, it appears I waited too long to ask around.  My friends told me that the girls they know are either in a relationship, engaged, married, lesbian, crazy… or I’m simply not their type.   Meanwhile one of my friends jumps around like Daffy Duck, shouts obscenities and nonsense, and sends people defecation videos.  And today I got his “Save the Date” wedding announcement in the mail.

I dunno.  Not sure what I’m doing wrong over here…

First dates:  29
Second dates:  3
Third dates:  2
Cancellations:  5
Stood up:  2
First kisses: 1
Sexual experiences:  0.6

31

I’m now the 31-year-old virgin and I still haven’t caught a break.  But I’ve finally landed another date.  Only took me a little over two months.  I’m sure the holidays are partly to blame, but it’s been exceptionally difficult to get a date lately.  I’ve been hitting OkCupid hard over the past few weeks, but conversation after conversation flatlines.  That seems to be my main problem.   I don’t seem to be saying the right things to hold anyone’s interest or taking the conversation in the right directions.  Instead I seem to fall into a boring rut of discussing work/school/family and all that bullshit and then things stagnate.

I’ve gotten more responses and first messages and dates than other virgin guys my age could dream of, but I still have nothing to show for it. It frustrates me to think that there are guys literally half my age getting laid.  How are they doing it?  How are they pulling it off?  They’re just dumb fucking teenagers, what kind of game could they possibly have?  Well… more than I have, apparently.

But I managed to work some magic with Art Girl.  She’s 28 and does art therapy with patients suffering from traumatic brain injuries.  We exchanged a few messages, moved to texting, and then we set a date at a crepe place.  I got there a few minutes before she did and mentally patted myself on the back for my choice of venue.  It was very cozy and comfortable.

When she walked in shortly afterwards I stood up to greet her.  I cringed inwardly a bit as I shook her hand, wondering if I should have given her a hug instead.  But I just moved right on and led her to the counter.  It was our first time there so we took a few minutes deciding what to get.  I told her to get whatever she wanted because it was on me.

“Aw, that’s nice of you,” she said.  I wrinkled my nose at that.  Usually when a girl says you’re “nice,” that’s not a good sign.

We finally placed our order and sat down.  I was curious about what her job entailed, but after a couple of minutes it was clear she wasn’t interested in discussing it in detail.  She confessed that after getting 400 messages asking “What’s art therapy?” the topic was beginning to wear on her.  Understandable, but I joked that she’s drawing so much interest because she’s the only one on the site who isn’t a teacher, nurse, or social worker.  From there we started talking about online dating and comparing our experiences – the sites we’ve tried, the messages we’ve received, the dates we’ve been on… I learned that she’s been on the site for two months and I’m only the third guy she’s gone on a date with.

I also learned that she doesn’t like or want kids either, so we were able to bond over that as well.  By that point we were finished with our crepes and smoothies, so I asked her if she was up for a game of Jenga.  There was an array of board games in the shop and that one was simple and fun enough.  She accepted the challenge and we played three games before she called it a night.  Already?  We’d only been there for an hour.

“Yeah, I gotta get home and check on my dog,” she said.

I laughed.  “That’s usually not a good sign…”

She laughed too.  “I’m sorry, I’m just really attached to my dog and I haven’t been home all day.  I was having dinner with my parents earlier.”  We spent a few minutes talking about her dog and then she stood up to leave.  I followed suit, with a sinking feeling that this evening did not go as well as I thought or hoped.

We walked outside.  Out on the sidewalk I said, “So do you still want to check out the museum this weekend?”  She turned to face me.  I had the sense that if I hadn’t said anything she would have continued on towards her car unabated.

“Potentially,” she said.  Potentially.  Yeah, I’ve heard that before.  “I have to check my book and see what I’m doing, I’m so scatterbrained I can’t remember what’s going on that weekend.”

“Okay,” I said.  Meanwhile that had been my original proposal.  Her schedule didn’t work out this past weekend, but she had told me she was definitely free this coming weekend. So I had suggested the crepe place in the meantime.  And now she was saying she didn’t know?  Looked like this was headed for another dead end.

“You said you were free either day…?” she asked me.  I answered in the affirmative and she said she’d let me know, and I said I’d talk to her soon.  Then we hugged and parted ways.  So maybe there will be a second date, but it doesn’t exactly sound promising.  And she was so hot, too.  It’s been less than 24 hours since our date – any advice as to what I should say when I contact her?  Should I even?

***

In other news, I reached out to a girl who “fell ill” at the last minute and wanted to take a rain check. Just as I did with the others who pulled the same stunt, I wished her well and told her to let me know when she was up for our date. Two weeks went by and I dropped her a line to see how she was doing and ask about rescheduling.  No response, just as expected.  At least four other girls deleted their profiles in the middle of our conversations.  I was texting another girl but I couldn’t pin her down on a date despite coming up with a plan and a time, so I just gave up.  And there’s one I’m talking to right now and we’re in the midst of setting up a date for this weekend.  So we’ll see.

First dates:  26
Second dates:  3
Third dates:  2
Cancellations:  5
Stood up:  2
First kisses: 1
Sexual experiences:  0.6

Babysitting

Fresh off another first date.  We met at the local nature preserve, where we walked among the waterfowl at the water’s edge.  It was an unseasonably warm day, but unfortunately the clouds and wind moved in by the time we got together.  The conversation was awkward at first, but after a few minutes we settled into a nice flow.  I wasn’t sure about her when I first saw her, but the more we talked the more attractive I found her.

We were only there for an hour as I had to get going and she had to get back to her babysitting gig.  Her regular job is as a teacher.  Shocker – a teacher on OKC.  Seriously, that’s like the #1 profession of OkCupiders, followed by nurse, social worker, and vet.  And everybody rides horses.  What’s with all the horseback riders?

Anyway.

I really liked her and told her I wanted to get together again, and she agreed.  I’ve texted her since then with a second date idea, but as of this writing there’s been no response.  Bummer.  But we’ll see.

In the meantime I’m still making chit-chat with Melody.  I’m still not sure what to make of the whole “friends first” thing.  The way I look at it, if there’s mutual attraction/interest, then why can’t we skip the whole “friends” phase?  And friends for how long?  How long am I going to have to hover around until she can decide how she feels about me?  And then how exactly are you supposed to go from being friends to being more than friends?  I don’t know, the whole thing just sounds like a one-way ticket to being friendzoned.  Some of you have already commented about this on my last post, but I’m not sold on the idea.  Further thoughts, anyone?

First dates:  25
Second dates:  3
Third dates:  2
Cancellations:  3
Stood up:  2
First kisses: 1
Sexual experiences:  0.6