Meh

Okay, I did it.  I went back to online dating.  Four weeks, three apps and two dates later, I called it quits.  It was the same nonsense all over again.  There’s been no change in my experiences with – or opinion of – online dating.  It works for some people, but apparently I’m still not one of them.  And I have neither the energy nor the desire to continue with it.  So I’ve kicked it to the curb for the hundredth time, and feel loads better as a result.

Here’s how it all went down this time.

I haven’t been on OkCupid for years.  Back in the day it was the source of most of my online dates.  Well, they’ve made changes and not for the better.  You can still message anyone, but they can’t see your message unless they “like” you back.  And the number of users has dropped precipitously.  Last time there was an endless supply of matches.  This time I exhausted all possibilities within a few days.  I collected 35 likes but only one was mutual.  Her profile didn’t give me much to work with, and this was our exchange:

Did we date once?  Did we talk once?  Was she trying to be funny?  We certainly didn’t fuck, I know that much.  But I never heard from her after that, so it will forever be a mystery.  Two more weeks went by without any new matches or messages. All I had to show for my efforts was that head-scratching conversation.

*delete account*

Next up was Tinder.  I never had much luck with it in the past and it was the same this time around.  Little activity, lack of conversation, flakiness, suspiciously fake-looking profiles… Meanwhile I had over 50 matches on Bumble and a slew of conversations going.  Goodbye, Tinder.  I burned through many of my Bumble matches, not hesitating to unmatch with those who failed to impress.  I was most popular with 28-35 year-olds and it didn’t take long to line up two back-to-back dates.

#47
She was 35 and a police officer.  Only a couple years older than myself but seemed more mature than that. Byproduct of her job, perhaps.  We met at a sports bar for dinner and drinks and quickly settled into nice, easy conversation punctuated by a number of laughs.  We seemed to be enjoying each other’s company.  Midway through she casually mentioned she was recently divorced.  This is the second or third time that’s happened on a date.

*theme from Jaws starts playing softly in the background*

jaws

Yeah, I’m starting to encounter this.  Well, she didn’t mention having kids, so I guess it wasn’t as big a deal.  Although, that’s something else I’ve been running into.  There’s a number of single moms out there who don’t disclose they’re single moms until they think it’s safe.  That happened several times during my latest stint on Bumble.  Sorry, but your personality is not going to overcome my dislike of kids.  Best to be upfront about it and not waste either of our time.

But I digress.  We stayed there for an hour and a half, and then I suggested going across the street for brews and board games.  It was a really cool spot and a popular hangout for people in our demographic.  She enthusiastically agreed, but in between getting up from the table and reaching the exit she changed her mind, saying it was late and she ought to be going.  I walked her to the parking lot and hugged her good night.  She texted me the next day and we went back and forth a little, but eventually things dropped off and that was that.


#48
This one was cute as hell – and she confided that she thought I was too – so I was pretty excited to meet her.  We met at a cheesecake place near my house and I liked what I saw.  She seemed a little more my speed, but the more we talked the more she appeared to be a homebody.  Nothing much in the way of hobbies or activities either.  Hmm.  I wasn’t sure what I could do with her, although certain extra-curricular activities came to mind as I eyed her up and down.  We called it a night after a couple of hours.  The next day I invited her to see a band play at a brewery but she politely declined, claiming other commitments.  Then she unmatched with me.


#49…?
I wouldn’t really count this as a date.  It was hardly even a meeting.  I was suspicious from the start, since her Bumble profile was nothing but pics of her performing and links to her music website and YouTube videos.  We talked music and she said I should come see her play at a bar that Saturday.  I did, but when I got there I saw that I wasn’t the only one she invited out.  I barely got to speak to her either.  My hunch appeared to be correct.  She was using Bumble to promote herself and her gigs.  Not the first time I’ve run into that either.  I’ve seen bartenders do the same.

I had two other hot prospects after that.  I really wanted to meet them both, but for reasons unknown they suddenly stopped talking to me.  One of them asked if I had an Instagram, which I thought was a little odd, then went quiet after I supplied my handle.  I didn’t post anything untoward on there, so I don’t know what happened.  The other unmatched with me after a few days of silence.

Eventually I ran out of Bumble matches, and I deleted the app a short while later.  So I got that out of my system.  I’m sure this is the point where my readers are going to suggest Match or Zoosk or Hinge or Coffee Meets Bagel or Duck Meets Goose or Nut Meets Bolt, or some other dating app.  Not interested.  I’m just going to do like my friend told me:  “Don’t date.  Just go out and meet people.”  Which is exactly what I’ve been doing, and it’s already bearing some fruit.  More on that in the next post…

Feelings

I’ve kept a positive, upbeat outlook over the course of this blog, but I was in the doldrums a while ago.  Just a little bit.  It’s passed now.  Part of it was standard winter blues, but another part was my perpetual singleness.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m happy with myself and my life.  I don’t need “my other half” or someone to complete me. But I want more.  I want someone to share the good things in life with.  Food.  Drink.  Laughter.  Music.  Travel.  Sex.  Just to name a few.

For a short while – nearly two glorious months – I got a taste of what that was like.  I had sex.  I lost my virginity.  I finally felt like I was in the know, part of the club, part of the world, “normal.”  I stopped feeling those pangs when I saw couples.  I did things that come so easily to most people:  hugging, kissing, cuddling, massaging, holding hands, or just sitting on beach watching the sunset – things other people take for granted.  Until I slept with Rebecca a few times, I had no idea just how warm another human body was.

Now it’s been ten months.  I’m doing my best to leave her in the past where she belongs.  I blocked her on Facebook to resist the urge to snoop or message.  I’m doing my best to not to dwell on negative thoughts and remain forward-looking.  Therefore I’ve been filling up my time with hobbies and activities to keep my mind on other things.

I’ve been hitting the gym hardcore for the past three months.  It’s a great outlet for my pent up sexual energy and frustrations.  I continue to set personal records in deadlifts, squats, and bench presses.  I’ve stacked three, four, or even five 45lb plates on the weight sled and pushed it back and forth across the floor until my legs gave out and my arms shook.  My buddy and I tried a class last weekend that nearly wiped us out.  But my body is responding and I’m tipping the scales at 187 pounds – a number I dreamed about for years.

The gym is not my only arena of success these days.  I’ve been out there marketing myself and I gained ten new clients, so this should be my best year financially.  I had a great parade season and a triumphant return to solo performing.  I’m practicing several instruments a week and I sound better than ever. (I find playing music as cathartic as going to the gym.) My passport arrived and I’m planning some more travel.  And I’m giving my life a complete overhaul – new car, clothes, furniture, appliances – everything.

#41
Throughout all of this I’ve had Bumble running in the background.  The last app standing.  There was that one awkward date a couple months ago, and since then I canceled on two more because I’d decided I’d rather go to the gym instead.  I just used the always popular, vague line of “something came up.”  I felt a bit shitty doing it, but deep down I felt those dates would have ended up like all the others, so why bother?

But there was one final Bumble date.  I tried to keep the online chatter light and flirty and save all the getting-to-know-you questions for in-person.  As Matthew Hussey says, “if you’re using texting to ask, ‘How many brothers and sisters do you have?’… you’re doing it wrong.”  So I gave that a shot, but it didn’t matter.  Once again I met a girl who checked out of the conversation after five minutes and I was the only one left making an effort.

I’d talk, I’d ask questions, she’d respond… and I’d wait.  Nothing.  Nothing asked about myself in return.  Scratch that – she asked literally two questions, almost as afterthoughts:  what was my job, and did I live alone?  When I realized she kept glancing at her phone on top of her purse on the chair next to her, I bade her farewell.  I know a lost cause when I see one.  And thus concludes my online dating efforts.  Permanently.

After so many years, I’ve come to conclusion that it’s a supreme waste of time.  There’s always the anecdotal success story, but I could never get it to work for me.  It never felt right – always forced and awkward and unnatural.  Personal experience and informal polling of friends and fellow bloggers tells me that meeting people in real life is the way to go.  Not to mention that I had more success with Rebecca than all the girls I met online put together.

Now that spring is finally here I’m compiling a bucket list, which includes several upcoming Meetups.  I’m trying to get to that same sweet spot I was in last year, where I found the perfect balance of doing my own thing and not worrying about finding someone.  Then BAM, it literally happened when I least expected it.  In the meantime I feel I’ve grown content with the status quo again.

I also continue to work on myself.  It’s almost comical… I’ve had thirty years to work on myself – how much more time do I need?  There’s always room for improvement, I guess, like with my conversation skills.  That’s partly why I’ve been filling up my calendar with things to do – gives me shit to talk about.  I’m doing my best to be more social and to fight reverting back to my natural introverted state.

So I guess that’s all I have to say for the time being.  I’ve had this blog post drafted for weeks and weeks and I kept revisiting and revising as my thoughts and feelings ebbed and flowed.  Now I’m finally ready to publish, and we’ll see what happens next in life.

Stay tuned.

Beginnings

True to my word, I’ve been taking a break and focusing on other things for the time being.  First up was the local traditional music orchestra.  They meet once a month to rehearse.  I didn’t get in touch with the contact person until after the February practice.   I couldn’t make March because it conflicted with my St. Patrick’s Day commitments.  Then April was canceled.  And then I couldn’t make May because it was the same day as my nephew’s First Communion.  Now I can’t make June because I’ll be out of town visiting my brother that weekend.  Always something.  But I’ll make it there eventually.  In the meantime I’ve obtained the book of music and I’ve been familiarizing mysef with the tunes.  I’m also planning on hitting the open mic circuit again over the summer.

Next up was the gym.  I’d been considering joining one for some time.  While my job and my dancing keep me in relatively good shape and I’ve been doing some workouts at home, I wanted to get serious with it and one of my friends volunteered to be my gym buddy.  It took us a couple of weeks before we finally got started, but we’re now going three times a week and both of us already feel a huge difference in our lives.  He says it’s even helped him drastically cut down on his smoking and drinking.  I’ve also noticed a nice change in my body.  Turns out I respond well to serious weightlifting.

Work is in full swing now and I’m busy prospecting to expand my customer base.  I dumped my far-flung (and most annoying) customers this year, and not only am I working to replace them but to add more on top of that.  So far I’ve picked up two new ones.  Good stuff.  I still have more leisure time than I had planned on so I’ve been using it to go on hikes and explore parks and preserves that have been on my to-do list for a long time.

In the middle of all of this I actually landed another first date.  I had left my OKC profile up just in case, and sure enough some girl came across it and sent me a message.  She found me interesting and I was intrigued by her as well.  If she wanted to meet me then I wasn’t going to turn her down.  However I met her for brunch and found I just wasn’t that into her.  I didn’t feel we had much in common after all.  When she asked me afterwards if I wanted to go somewhere else, I said I had to meet up with a friend who was visiting from out of town (which I did).  We made tentative plans for the next weekend, but I never followed up and neither did she.

And there’s another reason why I didn’t get back to her…

Because without planning on it, without expecting it, without trying to…

I met someone.

First dates:  36
Second dates:  4
Third dates:  2
Cancellations:  9
Stood up:  2
First kisses: 3

31

I’m now the 31-year-old virgin and I still haven’t caught a break.  But I’ve finally landed another date.  Only took me a little over two months.  I’m sure the holidays are partly to blame, but it’s been exceptionally difficult to get a date lately.  I’ve been hitting OkCupid hard over the past few weeks, but conversation after conversation flatlines.  That seems to be my main problem.   I don’t seem to be saying the right things to hold anyone’s interest or taking the conversation in the right directions.  Instead I seem to fall into a boring rut of discussing work/school/family and all that bullshit and then things stagnate.

I’ve gotten more responses and first messages and dates than other virgin guys my age could dream of, but I still have nothing to show for it. It frustrates me to think that there are guys literally half my age getting laid.  How are they doing it?  How are they pulling it off?  They’re just dumb fucking teenagers, what kind of game could they possibly have?  Well… more than I have, apparently.

But I managed to work some magic with Art Girl.  She’s 28 and does art therapy with patients suffering from traumatic brain injuries.  We exchanged a few messages, moved to texting, and then we set a date at a crepe place.  I got there a few minutes before she did and mentally patted myself on the back for my choice of venue.  It was very cozy and comfortable.

When she walked in shortly afterwards I stood up to greet her.  I cringed inwardly a bit as I shook her hand, wondering if I should have given her a hug instead.  But I just moved right on and led her to the counter.  It was our first time there so we took a few minutes deciding what to get.  I told her to get whatever she wanted because it was on me.

“Aw, that’s nice of you,” she said.  I wrinkled my nose at that.  Usually when a girl says you’re “nice,” that’s not a good sign.

We finally placed our order and sat down.  I was curious about what her job entailed, but after a couple of minutes it was clear she wasn’t interested in discussing it in detail.  She confessed that after getting 400 messages asking “What’s art therapy?” the topic was beginning to wear on her.  Understandable, but I joked that she’s drawing so much interest because she’s the only one on the site who isn’t a teacher, nurse, or social worker.  From there we started talking about online dating and comparing our experiences – the sites we’ve tried, the messages we’ve received, the dates we’ve been on… I learned that she’s been on the site for two months and I’m only the third guy she’s gone on a date with.

I also learned that she doesn’t like or want kids either, so we were able to bond over that as well.  By that point we were finished with our crepes and smoothies, so I asked her if she was up for a game of Jenga.  There was an array of board games in the shop and that one was simple and fun enough.  She accepted the challenge and we played three games before she called it a night.  Already?  We’d only been there for an hour.

“Yeah, I gotta get home and check on my dog,” she said.

I laughed.  “That’s usually not a good sign…”

She laughed too.  “I’m sorry, I’m just really attached to my dog and I haven’t been home all day.  I was having dinner with my parents earlier.”  We spent a few minutes talking about her dog and then she stood up to leave.  I followed suit, with a sinking feeling that this evening did not go as well as I thought or hoped.

We walked outside.  Out on the sidewalk I said, “So do you still want to check out the museum this weekend?”  She turned to face me.  I had the sense that if I hadn’t said anything she would have continued on towards her car unabated.

“Potentially,” she said.  Potentially.  Yeah, I’ve heard that before.  “I have to check my book and see what I’m doing, I’m so scatterbrained I can’t remember what’s going on that weekend.”

“Okay,” I said.  Meanwhile that had been my original proposal.  Her schedule didn’t work out this past weekend, but she had told me she was definitely free this coming weekend. So I had suggested the crepe place in the meantime.  And now she was saying she didn’t know?  Looked like this was headed for another dead end.

“You said you were free either day…?” she asked me.  I answered in the affirmative and she said she’d let me know, and I said I’d talk to her soon.  Then we hugged and parted ways.  So maybe there will be a second date, but it doesn’t exactly sound promising.  And she was so hot, too.  It’s been less than 24 hours since our date – any advice as to what I should say when I contact her?  Should I even?

***

In other news, I reached out to a girl who “fell ill” at the last minute and wanted to take a rain check. Just as I did with the others who pulled the same stunt, I wished her well and told her to let me know when she was up for our date. Two weeks went by and I dropped her a line to see how she was doing and ask about rescheduling.  No response, just as expected.  At least four other girls deleted their profiles in the middle of our conversations.  I was texting another girl but I couldn’t pin her down on a date despite coming up with a plan and a time, so I just gave up.  And there’s one I’m talking to right now and we’re in the midst of setting up a date for this weekend.  So we’ll see.

First dates:  26
Second dates:  3
Third dates:  2
Cancellations:  5
Stood up:  2
First kisses: 1
Sexual experiences:  0.6

Babysitting

Fresh off another first date.  We met at the local nature preserve, where we walked among the waterfowl at the water’s edge.  It was an unseasonably warm day, but unfortunately the clouds and wind moved in by the time we got together.  The conversation was awkward at first, but after a few minutes we settled into a nice flow.  I wasn’t sure about her when I first saw her, but the more we talked the more attractive I found her.

We were only there for an hour as I had to get going and she had to get back to her babysitting gig.  Her regular job is as a teacher.  Shocker – a teacher on OKC.  Seriously, that’s like the #1 profession of OkCupiders, followed by nurse, social worker, and vet.  And everybody rides horses.  What’s with all the horseback riders?

Anyway.

I really liked her and told her I wanted to get together again, and she agreed.  I’ve texted her since then with a second date idea, but as of this writing there’s been no response.  Bummer.  But we’ll see.

In the meantime I’m still making chit-chat with Melody.  I’m still not sure what to make of the whole “friends first” thing.  The way I look at it, if there’s mutual attraction/interest, then why can’t we skip the whole “friends” phase?  And friends for how long?  How long am I going to have to hover around until she can decide how she feels about me?  And then how exactly are you supposed to go from being friends to being more than friends?  I don’t know, the whole thing just sounds like a one-way ticket to being friendzoned.  Some of you have already commented about this on my last post, but I’m not sold on the idea.  Further thoughts, anyone?

First dates:  25
Second dates:  3
Third dates:  2
Cancellations:  3
Stood up:  2
First kisses: 1
Sexual experiences:  0.6

Melody

It’s been almost an entire year but I finally went on another OkCupid date.  I really didn’t think I’d be back, but I’d been feeling especially good about myself lately so I felt like giving it another go.  It took me a few days to get the hang of messaging again.  The first batch I sent out were all duds.  Before long I cleared out the cobwebs and I started getting profile views, then responses.

There were further kinks to work out when it came to moving from messaging on OKC to going on a date.  I jumped the gun on the first few attempts, as they went nowhere.  So I relaxed a little and finally snagged one.  Her name was Melody and she was a musician like myself. Turns out we played the same instrument.  That alone gave us plenty to discuss, and she said she enjoyed talking to me and wanted to know more.  Bingo.

I asked her out for drinks the other night at a bar that happened to be just ten minutes from her house, so I couldn’t have picked a more convenient spot.  She looked better than her pictures and she was a lot more talkative than I expected.  In fact she was talkative to the point where she hardly asked me anything about myself, which bugged me.  I had to volunteer any personal information, which I took as a sign that she wasn’t that interested in me.

After an hour and a half she called it a night because she had to get up at 5:30 the next morning for work.  I walked her outside and gave her a hug.  I was just about to say good night and “it was nice meeting you” and leave it at that, but then she made noises about getting together again.  Oh.  Well, if she truly wants to see me again, maybe it’s worth exploring the possibility.  I’m just not sure about her.   We’ve been texting intermittently ever since but have been unable to agree on a day.   She’s also busy as all get out and doesn’t seem to have much time for dating and relating, which makes me wonder what she’s really looking for right now.  Perhaps we should have discussed that on our date?  I suppose I’ll bring it up on the second date.  If there’s a second date…or I could just ask her in the meantime.  In any case I’m back on OKC seeing who else I can find.  I have another first date set up for Sunday, and I have a third girl I’m hoping to get together with next week.

In other news, life is still great.  I’m busy eating, working out (gained back four pounds already!) and spending evenings by the fire with a cold beer.  In fact, on the way home from my date with Melody I came across a shitload of firewood that someone had put out to the curb.  And I don’t know if I’m getting old or what, but I was actually a little more excited about that.

image

First dates:  23
Second dates:  3
Third dates:  2
Cancellations:  3
Stood up:  2
First kisses: 1
Sexual experiences:  0.6

Currents

I went on a second date with Nineteen.  Nothing big deal, just grabbed some food and caught up on things.  Once again, she was just as mature if not more so than some of the other girls I’ve gone out with.  And she earned major points when I learned that she doesn’t want kids or pets either.  However, neither of us is really looking for anything serious right now.  Nor do I think either of us feels any real attraction.  But we may still see each other occasionally, as friends.

***

I tried putting together an OKC profile where I was looking for FWB, but I wasn’t sure how to word things.  Several girls have messaged me, mostly of the “is this for real?” and “how come you’re still a virgin?” variety.  Curious passersby. There was one girl I was talking to who seemed to have potential, but she disappeared once I suggested meeting.  And funnily enough, I actually talked to The Jokester. She had updated her profile to include a bit about she’s looking for someone to potentially hook up with.  Oh?  She didn’t seem like the type, and I messaged her and told her so.  Her response was:

“Normally I’m not into hooking up, I’ll admit that. Honestly, I want a relationship; I want someone to care for me the way I will care for them, but at the same time, I know I’m better off alone. I won’t lose being my own person in the “we”, and I won’t break anyones heart, or my own. So I actually have been hooking up with someone who is literally moving to the other side of the country in a few months, and I can do what I was meant to do, be a charismatic person on their way to the top. Of the corporate ladder that is…”

Well, this shed an interesting light on things indeed.   I strongly suspect she was already hooking up with said guy at the time we went on our date.  We continued messaging for two weeks, but then the conversation ended and she took her profile down.  Methinks she’s decided to forget OKC and focus on her hookup buddy.  Just a theory.

Meanwhile, I’ve been wondering about Marine Girl. She had canceled last minute with the promise of rescheduling, only to never get back to me.  So I sent her a message (on my regular OKC profile) that boiled down to: “Hey… so whatever happened?”  This time she actually responded, and did so with a lengthy explanation and an apology.

She was talking to another guy at the same time she was talking to me, but he asked her out first and she felt even more of a spark with him than with me.  So she said she panicked and canceled our date.  “I fucked up,” she wrote. “I plain and simple handled the situation poorly. I am usually a very honest and straightforward person – which you have every right not to believe at this point, but for some reason I guess I just figured it would naturally dissolve and I wouldn’t have to address it any further.”

I was very appreciative of her honesty, and it was quite refreshing after all the other girls I’ve dealt with up to this point.  Within two messages we were literally writing each other essays – just like we had been doing the first time we talked on the site.  We fell back into our old rhythm with such ease that I said to her, “You wouldn’t still be interested in meeting… would you?  I feel like there might still be something here worth investigating.” She was hesitant to agree to a date, since she didn’t know if she’d be able to meet without expectation after all of this.  I assured her that we would be fine, because I was fairly confident that we would be.

And we were.  We went out for drinks Friday night, and I thought things were going great.  She was all smiles and laughter and playing with her hair while she was talking to me, but when I told her I wanted to see her again, she kinda laughed and said her verdict was “just as friends.”  Surprising.  Disappointing.  But okay, I can live with that.  She was just as witty and charming as I expected she’d be, and I would love to have her on board as a friend.

However, that was not meant to be either.  A day after our date, the word came down the pike:  “Upon further reflection I don’t think I’d be comfortable pursuing a friendship. We lead very different kinds of lives and I just don’t feel a common ground that could branch into a friendship.  All the best.”Wow.  That stung a little.  The tone of her message suggested I did something off-putting, but goddamned if I can figure out what that might be.

JBlondie was shocked when I shared this with her.  I’d shown her Marine Girl’s profile and she was like, “She’s perfect for you!”  I’d thought so too.  But apparently not.

Once I landed my first OKC date, it was like I broke the wall and other first dates came easily after that.  But now I’m up against another wall and I’m wondering whether it’s my virginity that’s somehow holding me back?  Maybe if I wasn’t a virgin, things would have ended differently with some of the girls I went on dates with.  Maybe I would have been bolder, more aggressive, more relaxed… something. I don’t know.  Even when it comes to finding a FWB, maybe it would be better to not be a virgin first?

If I really wanted to, I suppose I could completely lose my standards and just “get it over with.”  What do you think about losing your virginity just to lose it?  Not that I’m seriously considering it, but I’m curious as to your thoughts nonetheless.

First dates:  22
Second dates:  3
Third dates:  2
Cancellations:  3
Stood up:  2
First kisses: 1
Sexual experiences:  0.6

Tarnished

For the longest time I’ve been seeking a serious, long-term relationship.  But I’ve grown so accustomed to being single and I relish my freedom and independence.  Not to mention that I’m so busy with work and extra-curricular activities that a relationship would just suck up my remaining time.  So I’m thinking… maybe it would be nice simply to have someone to occasionally do fun things with.  And stick my penis into.

In other words, I’m considering looking for a friend with benefits.

Friends With Benefits: Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake

Considering my situation this seems like a good starting point.  In any case it’s a possibility I’d like to investigate.

These feelings began their distant rumblings several months ago, intensifying when I came across this post by fellow blogger Tarnished Sophia.  She has a long-term monogamous FWB, and the more I read about their relationship, the more such an arrangement attracted me.  What’s more, she was considering finding a second FWB.

Her lover is the only person she’s ever had sex with.  Tarnished has a history of abuse at the hands of her stepfather, so many walls needed to come down first.  And after eight years together, her lover thought she was finally ready to take on a second partner.  While they’d always been monogamous, they have an open relationship.  He was going to be out of the picture for a while, and thought it would be a good idea for her to have someone on hand to help feed her insatiable appetite.

This is where I entered the picture.  I half-jokingly left a comment that I might be able to help her out if she were truly looking for “male or female disease-free virgins that don’t want children, marriage, commitment, or to live together…”  We exchanged emails for a few weeks, talked on the phone a couple of times, and finally set a date.  Even if we didn’t hit it off, she said she could still give me a blowjob so I’d have at least that much experience.  That sounded good to me, especially if she was as good at it as she said she was.  That alone had always been one of my biggest fantasies, but I’d long ago given up hope of it ever happening to me.

The day came and Tarnished and I finally met.  I was quite pleased with her appearance.  Assets like whoa.  I went in for a handshake but she went in for a hug instead, which surprised me considering how touch-averse she is with strangers.  She was also a lot more bubbly and talkative than I was expecting. We spent an hour eating a late breakfast at the diner (her treat) and then walked around town for a while.

“So what do you want to do now?” she finally asked.  I chuckled to myself.  Oh, you know what I want to do now… I felt like saying.

“I don’t know, that’s as far as I’ve planned,” I responded.  She laughed.  Then she informed me that she only had a little while left before she had to meet up with her family.  Oh.  We hadn’t set plans apart from what we’d already done, but I’d assumed I was going to have her to myself for the whole day.  My hopes crumbled under me as I looked at my watch and realized there wasn’t really enough time left for sex, especially since we still had yet to address that particular elephant and I didn’t want to do things in a rush.  It seemed apparent that this was just going to be the initial “interview” rather than a sex date. So I devoted our remaining time to talking about sex.  We drove to the outskirts of town to walk along a popular hiking trail, and it was here that I finally broached the subject (once the coast was clear of children or anybody else – we kept looking over our shoulders to make sure).

“So… I was wondering if you’ve decided whether to take me on as a partner?”  Tarnished hemmed and hawed, and started saying things like, “I’m probably not what you’re looking for,” and “I don’t think I could give you what you want”  Finally I sussed out the reason for her hesitation, and it turned out she was not really on board with the idea of taking on a second FWB.  It was more something that her lover wanted her to do, rather than something she wanted to do.

That settled it for me.  I wasn’t going to have her do anything she didn’t really want to do.  Had she taken my hand with a sly smile and said “are we going to do this or what?” or “let’s get out of here,” I would have been all-in.  But she’s also demisexual, so in any case she’s not attracted to me the way she’d need to be in order for us to do anything sexual past a one-time encounter.  She said she could still give me a blowjob if I wanted one, and that it would be really good, but I turned her down.  Yes, I turned down a blowjob, heavily aware that another opportunity may never arise.  No pun.  But I could tell she wasn’t keen on that idea either.  (She later told me that my declination was both a major relief and a huge letdown – she’d spent a lot of time pumping herself up mentally to do it.)

To be perfectly honest, at the time I wasn’t 100 percent sure about entering a FWB relationship but was willing to explore the possibility, but I knew that I wanted my first time to be with someone I felt comfortable with and trusted completely.  Tarnished fit the bill.  She’s amazingly caring and accepting and non-judgmental, and her lover is incredibly lucky to have someone like her in his life.  However, we were just not meant to be.  But I was grateful for the chance to meet her and we still had a fun time together.  And she considers our meeting a date so I will update the counter accordingly.

***

In other news, I have one last update on Shorty.  She would not stop bitching at me, so I finally I composed a lengthy message telling her to get fucked.  Those weren’t the words I used – in fact, in contrast to the way she’d been talking to me lately, I used no swear words at all – but that was the jist of it.  I detailed exactly what my problems with her were, concluding my essay with “if this is how you act towards people, then maybe that’s why you’re having such a miserable time on the dating scene.  Just a thought.  So goodbye and good luck to you.”

Within the next hour I received seven missed calls, four voicemails, and two texts.  I deleted them all without looking or listening.  And that was that.  All has been silent ever since, and what a goddamned relief that is…

First dates:  21
Second dates:  2
Third dates:  2
Cancellations:  3
Stood up:  2
First kisses: 1
Sexual experiences:  0.6

Nineteen

Despite the fact that I’d taken down my profile and was fed up with the whole dating scene, I finally landed a date with the 19yo.  We were already talking on the phone by that point, so I figured I’d see where things went.  Stars and schedules aligned and we finally met.  And there she was – the youngest girl I’ve ever gone out with, as well as the first black chick I’ve met.  Woo, diversity!

I’d sworn off coffee dates, yet that’s precisely where we ended up.  It was just the easiest thing to do at the time. We sat and talked for over two hours, long enough that we ended up getting kicked out of the shop because it was closing.  Before we parted ways we made plans to see each other again, granted that our schedules line up again.  I straight out asked her what she’s looking for – a conversation I’ve neglected to have on most of the first dates I’ve been on.  She’s still new to this, I’m the only guy she’s met so far, and she’s one of these I’m-not-really-sure-what-I’m-looking-for types.  Basically just friends with the potential for more.  Okay.  I was honest with her and said that I’ve been looking for a serious relationship and that hasn’t been coming together for me.  Right now we are both on that same page of “friends and maybe more.”  We greeted each other with a handshake, and we left with a hug.

However, after my last post I came to a decision which I will discuss further in my next post.  I promise that this time I will finally tell the story of how I met a fellow blogger…

In the meantime, I wanted to touch base and keep everybody updated.  I’ve also been remiss at responding to some of your comments.  Gotta get on that…

First dates:  20
Second dates:  2
Third dates:  2
Cancellations:  3
Stood up:  2
First kisses: 1
Sexual experiences:  0.6

Food

Two more dates this past week.  The first was with Burger Girl 2. She professed a love for cheeseburgers, and since the vast majority of girls on OKC enjoy what I call “rabbit food,” that got my attention immediately. Our first-date was a no-brainer. Burgers it was.  When she arrived the first thing I noticed that she was way heavier than her pictures indicated. And she was somewhat shy and awkward. Nonetheless we had a good conversation, and after our meal we took a walk around the plaza. I called it a night shortly afterwards. We both said “it was nice meeting you” and went our separate ways. No attraction. No spark. No big deal. But the burgers were to die for. Oh my God.

Thursday night I went on a date with Pharmacy Girl. Piercings, tattoos, not really my type. But that’s what I’ve been doing on OKC lately: talking to all kinds of girls, including ones that probably aren’t my type. My line of thinking is, let me talk to them anyway just to make sure. You never know who someone might turn out to be. So everybody been’s getting a second look. The fact that I’ve been expanding my horizons on the site is probably what’s been contributing to my new-found success in landing dates. Besides, I want to go on as many dates as possible. This is how I’ll get better at it while figuring out what I’m looking for (and not looking for).

Early in our online conversation, Pharmacy Girl mentioned that she just gotten out of a really long-term relationship – something she said tends to freak people out, so she wanted to get that out of the way. I’m not exactly sure why that would freak anybody out. And how or why does something like that even come up? The past is the past, so why do you need to discuss old relationships when starting a new one? I don’t know, maybe that’s just me. Maybe this is what people do?

But she thinks that would freak people out? Heh, I can top that. Since I didn’t think she was my type, I figured, “Hey, fuck it. Let’s tell her I’m a virgin and see what she thinks. Just for shits and giggles.” You know what? It didn’t freak her out. On the contrary, she was rather intrigued and asked me a lot of questions about it. Then she told me she was coming up with all sorts of ideas on how to corrupt me. Oh really? She also shared some details about her own sexual history. Maybe a bit too much information.

Anyway, we ended up going out to an Italian restaurant. We found plenty more to talk about, especially since we both have crazy dads. She found me quite funny and laughed uproariously at my stories, much to the chagrin of the other patrons. We also swapped obscene jokes, again to the chagrin of the other patrons, but neither one of us seemed to care.  Things went smoothly, things were comfortable… overall it was one of the better dates I’ve been on. It was raining when I drove her back home, and I walked her to the door under the cover of my umbrella. A really small umbrella. (Pro tip: the smaller the umbrella, the closer the girl.) I could have – and probably should have – gone in for the kiss, but I still wasn’t quite sure how I felt about her. So I gave her a hug instead. From what I learned beforehand, I was probably the first guy she didn’t have sex with on the first date.

While I wasn’t sure whether I was interested, I was still intrigued and wanted a second date to help me decide. We’ve been talking ever since but we’ve been unable to find a time and day that works for both of us. And now it seems the conversation is tapering off. A second date may or may not happen. And you know what? I’m perfectly fine with that. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll simply move onto the next one. As it is, there are three more girls I’m working on getting dates with, and another three I’m talking to and trying to get a feel for. It’s very likely that I’ll another date or two for this coming week. I’m very happy because this is exactly how I want to spend my summer – going on lots of dates and learning about myself in the process.

Finally, I’ve decided to add a date counter to the end of my blog posts (I may do this retroactively as well). I thought it would be a good way for everybody to keep track.

First dates:  9
Second dates:  0
Cancellations:  2
Stood up:  1
Sexual experiences:  0.5