Swingers

The long wait was finally over.  I’d wanted to try this for eons.  It wasn’t until tonight that I finally took the plunge and experienced it for the first time.

I approached the venue with trepidation, worried about the possibility of spending an evening cooped up with a crowd more akin to Bingo Night.  But alas!  Upon my entrance I immediately noticed a number of lovely young ladies.  I eyed them hungrily from opposite the room.  I was a lion on the hunt, a tiger lying in wait, a tomcat on the prowl.

Meow.

They held this shindig every week, devoting the first thirty minutes to acquainting everyone with their limbs and different positions to try. I paired up with one of the older, more seasoned ladies.  She grinned at me.

“So.  Did your friends drag you here or what?”  No.  I assured her I came of my own volition.  She nodded, apparently satisfied.  She took hold of me and told me where to place my feet.  I obeyed, not willing to quarrel with a more experienced woman.

Before long we settled into a routine and found each other’s rhythm.

“You’re really good at this!” she gasped at one point, clearly impressed with my abilities.

“What can I say?” I sighed, adopting my best aw-shucks persona.  “I guess I’m a fast learner.”

“Well, keep it up!  The better you are at this, the more girls will like you.”  I barely stopped myself from rolling my eyes.  I had been doing this by myself ever since I was a teenager, but I’d never seen firsthand proof that girls liked it too.  I supposed it was true.

After a short while the organizers called out for everyone to stop.  It was time for the real party to begin!  They dimmed the lights, put on some music and served drinks to help us get in the mood.  We were encouraged to switch partners constantly – regardless of whether we were finished – with the ultimate goal of taking turns with everybody in the room.

This is it, I told myself.  Time for my big debut.  Don’t be nervous…

I spent the first part of the night with a few more older women until I finally relaxed enough to take a turn with some of the girls around my age.  The first girl was okay looking, but she exhaled a scent like moldy cheese.  Ugh.  I didn’t last long with her; I couldn’t take her heavy breathing in my face any more.  The second one was really pretty, but she was there with someone and I felt really self-conscious with him watching.

Then I saw the next girl and my eyes nearly fell out of my head.  Wowshe’s really fit.  What a body!  I took a deep breath, put an arm around her and pulled her into me, and then we started to move.  Oh my God, this feels so good!  This is what I’ve been missing out on?  Why didn’t I try this sooner!?

I wasn’t expecting much conversation, but she wanted to talk.  I did the best I could, as I was trying to stay focused and concentrated on what I was doing.

“Is this your first time?” she asked.  Ha.  There was obviously no fooling her.

“Yeah… definitely my first time,” I said.  No worries, though.  She was very supportive and encouraging, and before I knew it I had found my mojo and we were really going at it.  It was even better than before!  I was positively bursting with excitement.  I heard singing in my head:  “Heaven… I’m in heaven… and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak… and I seem to find the happiness I seek…”

Then she went and burst my bubble.  “I usually come here with my boyfriend but he couldn’t make it this week…”  Ugh.  Way to spoil the moment.  But I got over it.  There were other ladies during the night, but none were as fine as she.  No matter.  I’m definitely going back there again.  This is just the kind of thing I’ve been looking for.

I really like swing dancing.

Chick

In 1961, John Howard Griffin posed as a black man and travelled through the segregated South, and published his experiences in a book titled Black Like Me. In 1997, Shawn Hunter posed as a girl in Boy Meets World and his experiences were turned into a column in the school’s newspaper titled “Chick Like Me.” And now, in 2013, I’ve decided to pose as a chick on an online dating site. Half of the girls on dating sites spend half of their profiles complaining about the messages they receive.  I wanted to find out exactly what they were experiencing.

First, I grabbed a couple of sexy girl pics off Google Images.  Next, I wrote a profile compiling every overused cliché I’d ever seen.  Then I posted it all online and sat back and waited.

The response was immediate and overwhelming.  Within the first 24 hours I received almost 250 visitors and 100 messages.  In the week since I’ve received another 400 visitors and 80 messages.  Wow.  And the messages were all pretty much like this:

“hey”  Hey what…?

“what’s up?”  Really?  That’s all you have to say?

“hey, my name is Mike”  Is it me or is every guy named “Mike”?

“you wanna go grab a drink sometime?”  Wow.  In the very first email.  Talk about getting right down to business without preamble.

“how was your weekend?”  In response to the fiftieth guy who wrote this, I replied:  “It wasn’t so good actually – I just found out my grandpa’s in the hospital after he fell off his toilet trying to change a light bulb”.  When the same guy wrote back to find out how “grandpa” was I told him he had died.  “Oh I’m sorry to hear that babe… so you wanna grab a drink sometime?”

“got any plans for today?”  Yes – waiting for better messages.

“so what brings you to this site?”  I’ll give you three guesses.

“hey, nice to meet you!”  Uh, you haven’t met me yet, dumbass.

“nice pics!”  I know.  😉

“im sure you get this all the time but your beautiful”  Wonderful!  Really original.

“if u wanna chat sometime msg me back”  Oho, is that what I have to do?  Thanks!  I had no idea how this worked…

“can you tell me a little more about yourself?”  Hm.  I guess you didn’t/can’t read my profile.

“whats ur name”  That was the opening line in my self-summary.  Fail.

“so hows the whole online dating thing treating ya?”  Oh, if you only knew…

The list goes on.  You get the idea.  I don’t think I’ve gotten one intelligent message.  If I had it’s certainly lost in the crowd.  Probably what my problem is when I send messages.  It’s very eye-opening seeing what I’m up against, seeing what it’s like from a girl’s perspective.  I really have to step up my game here.  But it’s unbelievable what tools these guys are.  Are they really surprised when they get no response?  And at first I wasn’t going to message anyone back (as a joke) but I just had to mess with some of them.  I wanted to see what I could say that would turn these guys off.

Nothing, apparently.  One guy messaged me asking if I was in the same part of the city as him.  I happened to know that was a heavily Jewish area, so I wrote back: “aren’t there a lot of Jews there? I don’t really like Jews LOL – are you Jewish?”

His response?  “lmao baby no I’m not jewish no worries it’s all good.  I don’t like them either.  so you wanna grab a drink sometime?”  *facepalm*  If I said I liked to murder black babies and drink their blood, they’d still be trying to get in “my” pants.  After the first day I just stopped responding.  There was no way to keep up with the volume flowing into my inbox.

Maybe online dating just attracts these types.  I’ve already fielded requests from guys wanting to have discreet affairs, or inviting me to swinger parties.  Naturally, I wrote them back asking for details.  And I got them.  Boy, did I get them…