Social distance and unrest, and a little bit of sex…

It’s been sad and disappointing seeing people posting and spouting the most unbelievable shit in response to current events this year.  No knowledge of civics, no critical thinking, outright dismissal of facts in favor of conspiracy theories and junk science, and a startling lack of empathy or understanding.  On that note – if you’re so tired of hearing about racism, just imagine how tired some people are of experiencing it.  If I wanted I could do a whole post (or a whole new blog) on these issues.  Maybe someday, but in the meantime I had to put my two cents in.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.  I had a few more dates recently.  I’d sworn off dating until things returned to “normal,” but as always I listen to my dick.

#75
This one was another waste of time – one I saw coming a mile away but proceeded anyway.  She sidestepped my flirty comments but still seemed keen on meeting me.  We ended up at the beach, and I made a joke that she was a little overdressed for the occasion.  Indeed she was – with her black pants, black leather jacket, and black heeled boots, but she got a little defensive about it.  She reminded me of my older sister, who’d go to the beach with a full face of makeup and would get equally as defensive if you ribbed her for it.

As soon as we got to the boardwalk she handed me her phone to take a picture of her.  Not just one, though, but a dozen.  She’d snatch the phone back after each one to make sure she looked good.  Once again, just like my oldest sister.  I rolled my eyes a bit, but it didn’t stop there.  We walked down to the big rocks at the water’s edge, and then it was picture time again.  And not just pictures of her in various model poses, but slo-mo and time lapse videos as well.  She showed me how she edits them all together into video montages of herself set to music.

I made another joke that I was starting to think I was only there to be her photographer, and she got defensive again.  Hoo boy.

We sat and made chit-chat and small talk while we waited for the sunset, but it was clear we were a total mismatch.  I learned she was an Aries.  Once again… just like my older sister.  Now, I don’t set much stock by that stuff, but it’s fun to think about and eerie how accurate it is sometimes.  But I find Aries women a bit high-maintenance, a bit flaky, and often a bit full of themselves.  (Teacher comes to mind; she was an Aries too.)  Then she dropped a bomb and disclosed that she was 40, not 30 as advertised.  She claimed that she didn’t know why it said that, nor how to change it.

As soon as the sun went down I called it a night and said goodbye.  She was making noises about wanting to see me again, suggesting I join her and her friends to go hiking upstate the following weekend.  I’m looking for a FWB, not a hiking buddy.  I don’t know if she didn’t see that in my profile, or just didn’t understand what it meant, but I was out.

#76
This one lived a bit of a distance away so we picked a halfway a spot – a scenic park on the lake.  We took a few laps around the water while we made conversation, but it wasn’t until we landed on the subject of her job as a financial planner that she became really animated.  She was really passionate about it… a little too much.  After what felt like a half-hour of her TED Talk, I called it a night.  It was getting dark anyway.  I suggested a movie night back at my place next time.  Hint hint.  She said she wasn’t interested in anything romantic with me, but maybe we could still hang out.  

Sigh.  Once again I was like… do these chicks not read my profile, or understand what I’m looking for?  I told her I wasn’t looking for anything romantic, nor am I looking for people to just hang out with.  So I wished her the best of luck finding what she was looking for and we parted ways.  Another one down.

#77
It’s funny how online dating activity ebbs and flows.  It was exceptionally quiet after that.  The next thing I knew, it looked like my theory was coming to pass – that girls would be so horny and desperate coming out of quarantine that getting laid would be ridiculously easy.  I was on track to get laid the next two nights by two different girls.  Was it possible?  Alas, no.  The first one crapped out, so I texted the other and asked, “are you still free tonight by any chance?”  Yes, she was.  I’ll call her Pharmacy Girl

Long story, it was some of the best sex either of us ever had.  The kissing was amazing by itself, so much better than College Girl.  (For the record, this one was 28).  My dick went in her mouth shortly afterward and I nearly burst right then and there.  Her oral skills surpassed anyone else I’ve been with.  She was also the first one to ride me cowgirl without it feeling uncomfortable.  PG obviously felt she same because gaped down at me and said “oh my God!  It’s like a perfect fit!”  She also appreciated that I assisted instead of just lying there like other guys.

I flipped her over and pounded her in missionary since she wanted to see what I could do.  Either she’s very orgasmic or I’ve become an exceptional lover, because she came hard with her heels digging into my back.  It was so intense for her that she was writhing and nearly bucking off the bed.  I came pretty hard myself; she felt amazing inside.  When she calmed down she said, “Well… THAT’S never happened before.”  I’d given her a full-body orgasm for the first time.  She tried sucking me off to repay me, but I knew it would take a long time after I’d just came.  I told her to get on her stomach and I fucked her from behind.  She absolutely loved that, and she got so wet that I kept sliding out.  “What’s the matter,” she giggled.  “Too wet to stay in?”  We switched back to missionary and we each came again.

PG previously told me that she’d never enjoyed receiving oral sex from any man (perks of always dating assholes), but I was determined to be the first.  I went to work, teasing my way down and working all around until she was going crazy with anticipation.  Then I buried my face in her.  I used all the techniques I’d studied and things I’d remembered from old girlfriends.  It took a while but I got her there.  She was in a daze afterwards, but I wasn’t done yet.  I used my fingers to get her off one more time.  She was on the verge of climaxing so hard I thought she was going to squirt.  No such luck, but I did give her another full body-orgasm and she left puddles all over my bed.

Afterwards she said she couldn’t believe how good I was with my fingers and tongue. “How did you learn to do all that?” YouTube, I joked.  From all accounts, I gave her the best sex and oral she’s ever had.  I asked if she was staying the night, but she had work in the morning and didn’t have a change of clothes.  Dammit.  But could we squeeze in one more round before she had to go?  I found that we could.  One last time in missionary, and we fucked so long and hard that the sweat built up between us and was dripping off my chin in the end.  And the eye contact we made… damn.  It was so hot.

We exchanged numbers a few days later so we could talk outside the app.  I asked about Friday.  She had to work.  Saturday?  Plans with friends.  I waited but she didn’t suggest a day in return, so I said I was ready for Round 2 the next time she was free.

I haven’t heard from her since.

I was flabbergasted.  How could she not want seconds when the sex was so good the first time?  She’d seemed excited at the prospect of regular sex again, but maybe she only intended it to be a one-time thing.  I guess I’ll never know.  She might still surprise me, but I’m moving on and already have another hot prospect lined up.  In fact, tonight is date night.  Stay tuned…

 

 

Cockblock-19

Just when I was getting into my stride, too.  However, nobody close to me is sick or dying or dead, so I can’t really complain.  And I’m lucky to say that, considering how close we are to the epicenter.   As of this writing there have been over 22,000 deaths in New York state alone.  The daily toll has gone down but we’re still losing 400 people on average.  Yet some people I know still think it’s much ado about nothing, a big hoax, a Democratic power grab, caused by 5G networks, or some other nonsense.

There’s no telling what effect this will have on dating once things get back to normal (whatever “normal” will mean).  Dating will either be freakishly easy because everyone will be horny and desperate after being cooped up for so long, or freakishly difficult because they’ll be more afraid of catching covid than an STD.  In the meantime I have to laugh because now everyone’s in the same boat:  can’t get a date, can’t meet anyone, can’t get laid… hey, welcome to what was my world for 30 years.

I was still swiping on Tinder and Bumble the whole time I was banging College Girl.  I felt slightly guilty but – knowing my luck – things could go sideways real fast and I wanted a backup plan.  Sure enough, things ended with College Girl, but due to unforeseen circumstances outside our control.  Maybe we’ll get a chance to hookup again, but I’m not counting on it.  However, I racked up a few more dates before the quarantine began and people started panic-buying toilet paper (for reasons still unclear to me).

#72
33 years old, from Bumble.  Another teacher.   We were supposed to meet at this indie coffee shop but they unexpectedly closed early, so we ended up at Starbucks instead.  It was an above average date.  We talked for two and a half hours and had a nice flow.  She’s one of the rare few who actually likes to compare dating stories and experiences.  But while she’s recently out of a relationship and supposedly on board with the idea of something casual, she wanted to take it slow and spend more time getting to know each other outside the bedroom first.

Yeah…that sounds more like traditional dating to me.  I don’t think that’s how this FWB stuff works.  I suspected she wasn’t fully on board after all.  She gave me her phone and told me to put my number in, but after texting a couple of times she went MIA.  Suspicions confirmed.   Although, during our conversation we’d found out I’d once gone on an OkCupid date with one of her friends (Melody, girl #23).  It’s a long story how that came up, but talk about a small world.  Maybe that had something to do with her ghosting on me.

#73
She was 46, from Tinder, and my oldest date yet.  I should have listened to my instincts and not wasted my time with this one, but I have this awful habit of giving people a chance.  The initial warning was when I opened Tinder and found two messages from her.  The first message was some general question, followed by “oh well, guess you’re not interested in meeting.  Good luck to you.”  I checked the timestamps and they were sent eight minutes apart.  Seriously?  “Geez, how about giving me a chance to respond?” I wrote back, and she sent me a facepalm emoji.

Then I suggested a place to meet.  “Are they open today?”  I answered that they should be and she came back with, “well, why don’t you put on your big boy pants and call and find out,” as if I hadn’t already intended to do so.  Normally I would have taken her passive-aggressive attitude and told her to pound sand, but I’m just looking for a sex partner right now so I’m not as fussy.   When we met she asked me lots of questions which I was happy to expound upon, but she was pretty tight-lipped when I turned the questioning around on her.

I grew irritated as we were in a noisy-as-fuck bar on a Saturday night, and I was losing my voice from having to talk louder and louder until I was almost shouting.  Meanwhile she was one of those people with no concept of traveling of sound and maintains the same speaking volume no matter the situation.  I was losing interest and the feeling was mutual.  She didn’t talk much and didn’t want to answer questions, so I turned my attention to the live music starting up – which she wrinkled her nose at.  What a stick in the mud.

Finally I called it a night and bid her adieu.  Waste of an hour and a half.  Earlier in the night I had broached the FWB topic and she was like, “this isn’t a date, it’s a meeting” and “I don’t like to put a label on things,” adding that she likes to be friends first and see what happens.   Once again… I don’t think that’s how this works.  I figure you match, meet up and see if you get along and find each other physically attractive, and move onto the fucking.  At least that’s how it works in my mind.  Am I oversimplifying it?  I don’t think so, because College Girl came right over to my place to have sex without preamble.  I struck gold with her, so I’m sure I can do it again.

#74
I had one last date (33yo, from Bumble) before quarantine started.  Once again it felt more like a traditional date, although it was a unique choice of venue – the beach in wintertime.  I never thought I’d find someone else into stuff like that.  However, everyone else in the world had the same idea because it was packed like the middle of July instead of March.  We walked six feet apart, doing the whole social distancing thing.  That lent itself to a weird dynamic, although she did venture close enough to sample the homemade cookies I’d brought for us to munch on.  We got off to a good start but by the end it seemed we were running out of things to talk about.  And that was that.  No contact afterwards.

***

That’s it for the foreseeable future.  I won’t be doing virtual or Zoom dates or any of that nonsense.  However I matched with someone on Tinder who possibly shed some light on my struggles.  First she admitted she hadn’t read my bio first, so she wasn’t interested in a FWB.  Then she psychoanalyzed me based on my pictures, telling me that I wanted kids, that I’m looking for something meaningful, and “you crave connections, bro.”  Dafuq?  Why, because I was holding an animal?  Then she went on to suggest that I retool my Tinder profile, because “anyone advertising FWB subconsciously wants something.”

Yeah.  I don’t know what to make of this – thoughts anyone?

And last but not least, I have something exciting to announce in my next post.  I’m expanding my social media presence onto Instagram.  Details coming soon…