I don’t understand why people on the checkout line always have to be right up my ass with their purchases. Nudging me with their shopping carts. Breathing on the back of my neck. And as soon as one measly square inch of space opens up on the conveyor belt they rush to start piling on as many things as they can, vertically if they have to until it resembles a Jenga tower.
Really? Is that somehow going to get you out of the store faster? You do know there are still two people in front of you on line and you’re still going to have to stand here for six more minutes until they’re finished, right? Sigh. These are probably the same people that are burning rubber out of the parking lot because they’re in a big rush to get to the red light.
So I was at the store tonight, and sure enough I could sense somebody shifting back and forth behind me, and out of my peripheral vision I could see someone peeping around me. Finally there came a nudge in my back. I turned around.
“Hey, do you mind if I cut in front of you? I’ve only got this one thing…” this girl asked me. She held up her hand and dangling from her finger was a hanger with the tiniest bikini I’d ever seen. And she had the body to wear it. Wow. Holy crap. My jaw dropped open, and I think my eyes might have bugged out of my head a little.
“Uh… yeah, sure. Go right ahead!” I finally squeaked out.
She laughed and put a hand on my upper arm. “Oh no, I’m not really in a hurry! I just wanted to see what you were going to say. I thought you were going to give me a dirty look or something.”
My brain whirred frantically, struggling to produce a witty response. I came up with: “Well, I might have given you a dirty look if it was a Monday or something…” Huh!? What the hell does that even mean?? However, she thought it was funny. Strangely enough.
The line was at a standstill at this point, so she looked over and muttered to me, “My God, what is the hold up?”
“Who knows?” I said. “Maybe they ran out of quarters or something.”
“Ha! Don’t say that! You don’t want to jinx us…” she told me.
“Well, usually when I’m on a non-moving line like this it’s because there’s an old lady at the front who’s rummaging in a purse the size of a potato sack trying to find a nickel or her 15% off Rice-A-Roni coupon,” I said. She thought that was hilarious, and she started gripping my forearm instead. By this point she wasn’t standing behind me anymore; she was right next to me. Huh?
Finally the line started moving again, and guess what happened when I got to the register? No quarters. So I had to stand there and wait for someone to bring them over so I could get my change. Bikini Girl and I laughed about that, then we bade each other smiley good-nights and I walked out of the store in a daze.
As soon as I was outside on the sidewalk the fresh air hit me and I stopped in my tracks. I stared unseeing at the parking lot in front of me. I felt my brain running in overdrive. That was one of the most bizarre things that’s happened to me in a long time. What the hell just happened? What was that all about? Was she… hitting on me? Is that possible? Nah, that’s impossible. Girls who look like that… don’t even talk to guys like me, let alone hit on them. Or do they…?
Nobody else had come out of the store yet, so I turned around and went right back in. She was gone. Completely went ghost on me. Whoa. I still have no idea what I was going to do or say when I found her, but she was nowhere to be found. Dammit. I turned back around and trudged out of the store, my heart hammering wildly in my chest.
Please tell me that I’m just reading way too much into this, as usual. Please tell me I didn’t just miss the opportunity of a lifetime.