Bad Sex

Sorry for leaving you on a cliffhanger for six months. I had another date indeed, which resulted in my first less-than-stellar sexual experience.

#78
We met for an outdoor lunch, and then we headed back to her place. Unlike the others I’ve met, this one didn’t act like she was screening for a boyfriend. She gave me the cursory tour, ending it in her bedroom. Without hesitation I pulled her close and we started making out. And… ugh. She had lip injections that were terribly distracting. I was willing to overlook them, but they felt super weird. Then I noticed the bad breath. Holy shit. She had to be a closet smoker. Had to be. It was like she munched cigarette butts and gargled bleach. I decided it would be better if I put my mouth elsewhere, so I started pulling her clothes off.

That didn’t help either. She wouldn’t let me take her bra off because she said her breasts were too big. And she must have had some kind of skin condition because there were rashes and scabs everywhere. Oh my god. I hurried down south and buried my face in her. That’s when I started to smell something else. Was that… holy shit, yes it was. It absolutely reeked of ass down there. I was afraid to look. Instead I did that trick where you pinch your nostrils shut with your thumbs and knuckles so you can continue. Fortunately she was easy to get off, and I rolled over onto my back as she returned the favor. Just as I came I chanced a glance and saw her drooling yellow spit all over my dick.

I was certainly finished after that. There was no way I was attaining erection again under those circumstances, yet before long she was all over me, kissing and grabbing and trying to get me ready for intercourse. Yeah, no. I was too grossed out to continue, and I told her I wasn’t feeling well and left. And I wasn’t lying because my stomach was churning for a day and a half afterwards. Meanwhile she had lotions and potions and soaps on ropes all over her bathroom, so what the hell? I didn’t reach out after that, nor did I hear from her again, so I was spared the awkwardness of explaining why there’d be no Round 2. But we both achieved orgasm, so yay for that I guess.

#79-83
I didn’t forget that we were in the middle of a pandemic, but this took place in the middle of the summer while our numbers were approaching zero. Emboldened by that fact – as well as thinking with my dick – I went on a bunch more dates over the next few weeks. There’s no need to recount them individually, because they all followed the usual trajectory: whatever chemistry or rapport we had quickly evaporated in person, or wasn’t even there to begin with. The last one in this group bluntly told me that she wasn’t feeling things and got up and left. Yeouch.

So fuck this pandemic for fucking up the great thing I had going with College Girl. She was really a rare find, and who knows when or if I’ll find something like that again. And I’m still surprised and confused that I never heard back from Pharmacy Girl. She gave me her number before unmatching with me on Bumble, but shot me down when I texted her. Why even give me your number then? So it looks like I had my first one-night stand. Not what I wanted, but nor am I complaining. Just bummed that I have to go through so many rejections and failed dates to find something as good as that, and then it never lasts. And for all the people who’ve told me that sex in a relationship is better… that hasn’t been the case for me at all. The casual, no-strings sex has far outstripped anything romantic that I’ve ever had – Stinky Girl aside.

#84
I’d heard a lot about Facebook Dating, and most of it wasn’t positive. Nonetheless I decided to give it a whirl. I found that nearly all the users were single mothers. I went on a date with one of them, and I don’t think I’ll be going on dates with any more. I just can’t connect with people with kids. They’re operating on such a different set of values as to render us incompatible. I did find a strong prospect who was young, hot and childless and willing to come to my place. However the day before she claimed bad allergies and wanted to postpone a day, then two, and then she ghosted me. Sigh. Meanwhile she’s still following me on social media, joining over a dozen other lurkers who continue to view my Instagram stories. Women really mystify me sometimes.

By this point I’d been on dating sites for 8-9 unbroken months. As the fall approached and covid numbers started to rise, I started divesting myself of the apps. First to go was Facebook Dating. Next up was Bumble. By then both the quality of matches and the selection was abysmal, not to mention they’re fucking it up by introducing swipe limits and taking away the backtrack feature. The last one standing was Tinder. I disabled it for a time, but I’m back on there swiping for the hell of it. But I don’t plan on meeting anyone until it’s safe to do so. Plus it doesn’t make sense to try in the meantime. I’ve had a celibate seven months and I’m settling in for the long haul. Good thing I’ve had 30 years of practice at this…

All that aside, as shitty as 2020 has been for others, personally and professionally I had a great year and I’m looking forward to seeing what 2021 brings. Happy New Year everyone.

Cockblock-19

Just when I was getting into my stride, too.  However, nobody close to me is sick or dying or dead, so I can’t really complain.  And I’m lucky to say that, considering how close we are to the epicenter.   As of this writing there have been over 22,000 deaths in New York state alone.  The daily toll has gone down but we’re still losing 400 people on average.  Yet some people I know still think it’s much ado about nothing, a big hoax, a Democratic power grab, caused by 5G networks, or some other nonsense.

There’s no telling what effect this will have on dating once things get back to normal (whatever “normal” will mean).  Dating will either be freakishly easy because everyone will be horny and desperate after being cooped up for so long, or freakishly difficult because they’ll be more afraid of catching covid than an STD.  In the meantime I have to laugh because now everyone’s in the same boat:  can’t get a date, can’t meet anyone, can’t get laid… hey, welcome to what was my world for 30 years.

I was still swiping on Tinder and Bumble the whole time I was banging College Girl.  I felt slightly guilty but – knowing my luck – things could go sideways real fast and I wanted a backup plan.  Sure enough, things ended with College Girl, but due to unforeseen circumstances outside our control.  Maybe we’ll get a chance to hookup again, but I’m not counting on it.  However, I racked up a few more dates before the quarantine began and people started panic-buying toilet paper (for reasons still unclear to me).

#72
33 years old, from Bumble.  Another teacher.   We were supposed to meet at this indie coffee shop but they unexpectedly closed early, so we ended up at Starbucks instead.  It was an above average date.  We talked for two and a half hours and had a nice flow.  She’s one of the rare few who actually likes to compare dating stories and experiences.  But while she’s recently out of a relationship and supposedly on board with the idea of something casual, she wanted to take it slow and spend more time getting to know each other outside the bedroom first.

Yeah…that sounds more like traditional dating to me.  I don’t think that’s how this FWB stuff works.  I suspected she wasn’t fully on board after all.  She gave me her phone and told me to put my number in, but after texting a couple of times she went MIA.  Suspicions confirmed.   Although, during our conversation we’d found out I’d once gone on an OkCupid date with one of her friends (Melody, girl #23).  It’s a long story how that came up, but talk about a small world.  Maybe that had something to do with her ghosting on me.

#73
She was 46, from Tinder, and my oldest date yet.  I should have listened to my instincts and not wasted my time with this one, but I have this awful habit of giving people a chance.  The initial warning was when I opened Tinder and found two messages from her.  The first message was some general question, followed by “oh well, guess you’re not interested in meeting.  Good luck to you.”  I checked the timestamps and they were sent eight minutes apart.  Seriously?  “Geez, how about giving me a chance to respond?” I wrote back, and she sent me a facepalm emoji.

Then I suggested a place to meet.  “Are they open today?”  I answered that they should be and she came back with, “well, why don’t you put on your big boy pants and call and find out,” as if I hadn’t already intended to do so.  Normally I would have taken her passive-aggressive attitude and told her to pound sand, but I’m just looking for a sex partner right now so I’m not as fussy.   When we met she asked me lots of questions which I was happy to expound upon, but she was pretty tight-lipped when I turned the questioning around on her.

I grew irritated as we were in a noisy-as-fuck bar on a Saturday night, and I was losing my voice from having to talk louder and louder until I was almost shouting.  Meanwhile she was one of those people with no concept of traveling of sound and maintains the same speaking volume no matter the situation.  I was losing interest and the feeling was mutual.  She didn’t talk much and didn’t want to answer questions, so I turned my attention to the live music starting up – which she wrinkled her nose at.  What a stick in the mud.

Finally I called it a night and bid her adieu.  Waste of an hour and a half.  Earlier in the night I had broached the FWB topic and she was like, “this isn’t a date, it’s a meeting” and “I don’t like to put a label on things,” adding that she likes to be friends first and see what happens.   Once again… I don’t think that’s how this works.  I figure you match, meet up and see if you get along and find each other physically attractive, and move onto the fucking.  At least that’s how it works in my mind.  Am I oversimplifying it?  I don’t think so, because College Girl came right over to my place to have sex without preamble.  I struck gold with her, so I’m sure I can do it again.

#74
I had one last date (33yo, from Bumble) before quarantine started.  Once again it felt more like a traditional date, although it was a unique choice of venue – the beach in wintertime.  I never thought I’d find someone else into stuff like that.  However, everyone else in the world had the same idea because it was packed like the middle of July instead of March.  We walked six feet apart, doing the whole social distancing thing.  That lent itself to a weird dynamic, although she did venture close enough to sample the homemade cookies I’d brought for us to munch on.  We got off to a good start but by the end it seemed we were running out of things to talk about.  And that was that.  No contact afterwards.

***

That’s it for the foreseeable future.  I won’t be doing virtual or Zoom dates or any of that nonsense.  However I matched with someone on Tinder who possibly shed some light on my struggles.  First she admitted she hadn’t read my bio first, so she wasn’t interested in a FWB.  Then she psychoanalyzed me based on my pictures, telling me that I wanted kids, that I’m looking for something meaningful, and “you crave connections, bro.”  Dafuq?  Why, because I was holding an animal?  Then she went on to suggest that I retool my Tinder profile, because “anyone advertising FWB subconsciously wants something.”

Yeah.  I don’t know what to make of this – thoughts anyone?

And last but not least, I have something exciting to announce in my next post.  I’m expanding my social media presence onto Instagram.  Details coming soon…

Call Me Daddy

The next time I saw College Girl it was for an afternoon rendezvous that was the hottest encounter yet.  We had sex three times in the span of three hours.  Near the end of the first round I told her I was getting close, and she sat up and put her hands on my chest.  She pushed me back until I was sitting on my heels and proceeded to suck and jerk me off until I came like a lawn sprinkler.  It went everywhere; all over her and the bed.  Damn.  What a mess.  During our subsequent rounds she wanted me to choke her, and when I did she cried out things like “choke me, daddy” and “pound me harder, daddy.”

Daddy issues confirmed.  Maybe this explains our dynamic and why we don’t talk much (read: at all).  Either that or she’s just really shy outside the bedroom.  Or both.  A few days later she hit me up and asked if I was free that night.  We were originally shooting for the following afternoon and I said that would be better for me.  Ten minutes later I came to my senses.  Passing up/postponing sex?  Was I crazy?  No, I wasn’t crazy, so I texted her again and said I’d make myself available.

When I brought her back here we spent a good deal of time rolling around in bed between kissing and foreplay.  She was definitely better at kissing this time, whereas in the beginning it felt like she was trying to chew my face off.  Finally we got to it and had sex another three times.  My bedroom floor was a minefield of condoms and wrappers.  She slept over again, and while there was still no conversation I noticed she was a bit more snuggly this time.

I woke up the next morning with her hands on my cock.  She sucked and stroked me, bringing me to the brink two or three times and before stopping.  Ugh.  It was torture.  We went for another round and I pounded her good and hard for a long time.  She was really into it, wrapping her legs around my back and then placing them over my shoulders.  I had to keep stopping myself so I wouldn’t splooge too soon, and when I did unload I collapsed on top of her shaking all over.  I earned some fresh bruises on my shoulder and wondered vaguely if that was her way of marking her territory.  The sex was only getting better and better, and I tossed her around a bit which she seemed to like.  Sure enough, I received the following text a few days later:

img_0492

I was just wrapping up work the other day when I got a text asking if I was free that night.  Totally unexpected, but hell yeah I was.  I picked her up at 5PM and she came out to the car looking adorable in her oversize college sweatshirt and short white shorts.  I gripped and massaged her bare thigh all the way back to my place, and once here I pulled her clothes off to reveal matching white lace bra and panties.  Nice, very nice.  I was incredibly turned on already.

I went down on her, teasing her for as long as she could stand, and she did the same for me.  I told her to keep going until I came, and I very nearly did except I had a change of mind.  It was a tough choice, but I didn’t want to deprive her of a nice, hard dick.   So I flipped her over, handcuffed her hands behind her back, and went to town.  Needless to say I didn’t last long, and clearly I was on the right track because she bit into my arm so hard I nearly bled.  Even she was surprised when she saw what she did.

We lay there a bit as I fingered her, and she stroked me as well and I was hard again in no time at all.  Very short recovery time and within minutes we were at it again.  This time I lasted longer and pounded her deep and hard like she was begging me to.  I earned additonal bite marks in the process and we were a sweaty mess under the sheets when we were done.   Afterwards we cuddled and dozed until it was time to drive her back, and it was a silent ride as always.  I had long since given up trying to have a conversation with her.

I wished we had time for thirds or fourths, but all the students are being kicked out of university housing for the rest of the semester due to the coronavirus.  So she needed to gather her things and head back home to NJ.   I tried to give her as good a dicking as possible, because that may be the last time I see her for a while – if ever again.  Before we parted ways I told her she should take a trip out sometime, noting that the train station was just down the road from my house.

So we’ll see what happens, but if I don’t see her again we definitely had a good run.  I was incredibly lucky, and she’s the hottest girl I’ve been with by far.  Definitely made up for some lost time and missed opportunities with this one, although in the end the question remains – why did all this take so long and why did I struggle so much? Just bad luck all those years, or was it something more?

Oh well… onward and upward.

Currents

I went on a second date with Nineteen.  Nothing big deal, just grabbed some food and caught up on things.  Once again, she was just as mature if not more so than some of the other girls I’ve gone out with.  And she earned major points when I learned that she doesn’t want kids or pets either.  However, neither of us is really looking for anything serious right now.  Nor do I think either of us feels any real attraction.  But we may still see each other occasionally, as friends.

***

I tried putting together an OKC profile where I was looking for FWB, but I wasn’t sure how to word things.  Several girls have messaged me, mostly of the “is this for real?” and “how come you’re still a virgin?” variety.  Curious passersby. There was one girl I was talking to who seemed to have potential, but she disappeared once I suggested meeting.  And funnily enough, I actually talked to The Jokester. She had updated her profile to include a bit about she’s looking for someone to potentially hook up with.  Oh?  She didn’t seem like the type, and I messaged her and told her so.  Her response was:

“Normally I’m not into hooking up, I’ll admit that. Honestly, I want a relationship; I want someone to care for me the way I will care for them, but at the same time, I know I’m better off alone. I won’t lose being my own person in the “we”, and I won’t break anyones heart, or my own. So I actually have been hooking up with someone who is literally moving to the other side of the country in a few months, and I can do what I was meant to do, be a charismatic person on their way to the top. Of the corporate ladder that is…”

Well, this shed an interesting light on things indeed.   I strongly suspect she was already hooking up with said guy at the time we went on our date.  We continued messaging for two weeks, but then the conversation ended and she took her profile down.  Methinks she’s decided to forget OKC and focus on her hookup buddy.  Just a theory.

Meanwhile, I’ve been wondering about Marine Girl. She had canceled last minute with the promise of rescheduling, only to never get back to me.  So I sent her a message (on my regular OKC profile) that boiled down to: “Hey… so whatever happened?”  This time she actually responded, and did so with a lengthy explanation and an apology.

She was talking to another guy at the same time she was talking to me, but he asked her out first and she felt even more of a spark with him than with me.  So she said she panicked and canceled our date.  “I fucked up,” she wrote. “I plain and simple handled the situation poorly. I am usually a very honest and straightforward person – which you have every right not to believe at this point, but for some reason I guess I just figured it would naturally dissolve and I wouldn’t have to address it any further.”

I was very appreciative of her honesty, and it was quite refreshing after all the other girls I’ve dealt with up to this point.  Within two messages we were literally writing each other essays – just like we had been doing the first time we talked on the site.  We fell back into our old rhythm with such ease that I said to her, “You wouldn’t still be interested in meeting… would you?  I feel like there might still be something here worth investigating.” She was hesitant to agree to a date, since she didn’t know if she’d be able to meet without expectation after all of this.  I assured her that we would be fine, because I was fairly confident that we would be.

And we were.  We went out for drinks Friday night, and I thought things were going great.  She was all smiles and laughter and playing with her hair while she was talking to me, but when I told her I wanted to see her again, she kinda laughed and said her verdict was “just as friends.”  Surprising.  Disappointing.  But okay, I can live with that.  She was just as witty and charming as I expected she’d be, and I would love to have her on board as a friend.

However, that was not meant to be either.  A day after our date, the word came down the pike:  “Upon further reflection I don’t think I’d be comfortable pursuing a friendship. We lead very different kinds of lives and I just don’t feel a common ground that could branch into a friendship.  All the best.”Wow.  That stung a little.  The tone of her message suggested I did something off-putting, but goddamned if I can figure out what that might be.

JBlondie was shocked when I shared this with her.  I’d shown her Marine Girl’s profile and she was like, “She’s perfect for you!”  I’d thought so too.  But apparently not.

Once I landed my first OKC date, it was like I broke the wall and other first dates came easily after that.  But now I’m up against another wall and I’m wondering whether it’s my virginity that’s somehow holding me back?  Maybe if I wasn’t a virgin, things would have ended differently with some of the girls I went on dates with.  Maybe I would have been bolder, more aggressive, more relaxed… something. I don’t know.  Even when it comes to finding a FWB, maybe it would be better to not be a virgin first?

If I really wanted to, I suppose I could completely lose my standards and just “get it over with.”  What do you think about losing your virginity just to lose it?  Not that I’m seriously considering it, but I’m curious as to your thoughts nonetheless.

First dates:  22
Second dates:  3
Third dates:  2
Cancellations:  3
Stood up:  2
First kisses: 1
Sexual experiences:  0.6

Tarnished

For the longest time I’ve been seeking a serious, long-term relationship.  But I’ve grown so accustomed to being single and I relish my freedom and independence.  Not to mention that I’m so busy with work and extra-curricular activities that a relationship would just suck up my remaining time.  So I’m thinking… maybe it would be nice simply to have someone to occasionally do fun things with.  And stick my penis into.

In other words, I’m considering looking for a friend with benefits.

Friends With Benefits: Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake

Considering my situation this seems like a good starting point.  In any case it’s a possibility I’d like to investigate.

These feelings began their distant rumblings several months ago, intensifying when I came across this post by fellow blogger Tarnished Sophia.  She has a long-term monogamous FWB, and the more I read about their relationship, the more such an arrangement attracted me.  What’s more, she was considering finding a second FWB.

Her lover is the only person she’s ever had sex with.  Tarnished has a history of abuse at the hands of her stepfather, so many walls needed to come down first.  And after eight years together, her lover thought she was finally ready to take on a second partner.  While they’d always been monogamous, they have an open relationship.  He was going to be out of the picture for a while, and thought it would be a good idea for her to have someone on hand to help feed her insatiable appetite.

This is where I entered the picture.  I half-jokingly left a comment that I might be able to help her out if she were truly looking for “male or female disease-free virgins that don’t want children, marriage, commitment, or to live together…”  We exchanged emails for a few weeks, talked on the phone a couple of times, and finally set a date.  Even if we didn’t hit it off, she said she could still give me a blowjob so I’d have at least that much experience.  That sounded good to me, especially if she was as good at it as she said she was.  That alone had always been one of my biggest fantasies, but I’d long ago given up hope of it ever happening to me.

The day came and Tarnished and I finally met.  I was quite pleased with her appearance.  Assets like whoa.  I went in for a handshake but she went in for a hug instead, which surprised me considering how touch-averse she is with strangers.  She was also a lot more bubbly and talkative than I was expecting. We spent an hour eating a late breakfast at the diner (her treat) and then walked around town for a while.

“So what do you want to do now?” she finally asked.  I chuckled to myself.  Oh, you know what I want to do now… I felt like saying.

“I don’t know, that’s as far as I’ve planned,” I responded.  She laughed.  Then she informed me that she only had a little while left before she had to meet up with her family.  Oh.  We hadn’t set plans apart from what we’d already done, but I’d assumed I was going to have her to myself for the whole day.  My hopes crumbled under me as I looked at my watch and realized there wasn’t really enough time left for sex, especially since we still had yet to address that particular elephant and I didn’t want to do things in a rush.  It seemed apparent that this was just going to be the initial “interview” rather than a sex date. So I devoted our remaining time to talking about sex.  We drove to the outskirts of town to walk along a popular hiking trail, and it was here that I finally broached the subject (once the coast was clear of children or anybody else – we kept looking over our shoulders to make sure).

“So… I was wondering if you’ve decided whether to take me on as a partner?”  Tarnished hemmed and hawed, and started saying things like, “I’m probably not what you’re looking for,” and “I don’t think I could give you what you want”  Finally I sussed out the reason for her hesitation, and it turned out she was not really on board with the idea of taking on a second FWB.  It was more something that her lover wanted her to do, rather than something she wanted to do.

That settled it for me.  I wasn’t going to have her do anything she didn’t really want to do.  Had she taken my hand with a sly smile and said “are we going to do this or what?” or “let’s get out of here,” I would have been all-in.  But she’s also demisexual, so in any case she’s not attracted to me the way she’d need to be in order for us to do anything sexual past a one-time encounter.  She said she could still give me a blowjob if I wanted one, and that it would be really good, but I turned her down.  Yes, I turned down a blowjob, heavily aware that another opportunity may never arise.  No pun.  But I could tell she wasn’t keen on that idea either.  (She later told me that my declination was both a major relief and a huge letdown – she’d spent a lot of time pumping herself up mentally to do it.)

To be perfectly honest, at the time I wasn’t 100 percent sure about entering a FWB relationship but was willing to explore the possibility, but I knew that I wanted my first time to be with someone I felt comfortable with and trusted completely.  Tarnished fit the bill.  She’s amazingly caring and accepting and non-judgmental, and her lover is incredibly lucky to have someone like her in his life.  However, we were just not meant to be.  But I was grateful for the chance to meet her and we still had a fun time together.  And she considers our meeting a date so I will update the counter accordingly.

***

In other news, I have one last update on Shorty.  She would not stop bitching at me, so I finally I composed a lengthy message telling her to get fucked.  Those weren’t the words I used – in fact, in contrast to the way she’d been talking to me lately, I used no swear words at all – but that was the jist of it.  I detailed exactly what my problems with her were, concluding my essay with “if this is how you act towards people, then maybe that’s why you’re having such a miserable time on the dating scene.  Just a thought.  So goodbye and good luck to you.”

Within the next hour I received seven missed calls, four voicemails, and two texts.  I deleted them all without looking or listening.  And that was that.  All has been silent ever since, and what a goddamned relief that is…

First dates:  21
Second dates:  2
Third dates:  2
Cancellations:  3
Stood up:  2
First kisses: 1
Sexual experiences:  0.6