I’ve got quite a few dates to tell you about. Now that things are relatively back to normal, I’ve been making up for lost time.
My first date out of the pandemic was from Tinder with a cute little 28yo with a stay-at-home job. She seemed a little shy but was pleasant and easy to talk to. In fact, I was in full flow when she suddenly went, “oh my god, you went out with one of my friends!” Huh? Apparently I have a favorite subject to expound upon on dates, and she recognized it from a story her friend told her. I asked who her friend was and she said Jen. Ah, yes. I remembered her… until I got home and checked my notes and realized I’d gone out with more than one Jen. Now I’m not sure which one was her friend. All I know is that I’m seemingly developing a reputation out there. As far as she went, though, we took a stroll around town after we finished eating, stopped in at a bar to continue our conversation, and finally I walked her to her car. I thought about going in for the kiss but wasn’t really feeling the chemistry, so I settled on a goodbye hug instead. We continued texting for the next few days, and then things quietly fell off until they came to a natural end.
My next date was from also from Tinder. She was 27 and had some boring medical billing job. I was pleasantly surprised by her appearance, as I wasn’t sure I’d be into the long nails and numerous piercings seen in her photos. But she was remarkably toned down in person. We didn’t have much in common, although I learned we’d actually graduated from the same high school nine years apart, so that provided us with some fodder. Nonetheless we talked for a good while before we called it a night. I wasn’t sure what else to do with her, so I suggested she show me her favorite video game sometime. She was a big gamer, and I have zero experience or knowledge. I didn’t grow up with them, nor ever had any desire to play. But hey, I’m always down for trying something new. She didn’t take me up on my suggestion and things petered off in the days afterward.
It’s funny how my luck vacillates between apps, but I was on a Tinder hot streak. All my matches from this point on were in their early- to mid-30s. Womp. This one was 32. We met for lunch and then we headed back to my place to, erm, hang out. However, once she started showing me all these ultra-conservative memes and sites on her phone, I lost any interest I might have had. Ten years ago she would have been a perfect match, but I’m not into that scene anymore. Now it’s a total buzzkill for me, especially when I found out she hadn’t taken the pandemic seriously. She was one of those “I’m sick of the pandemic, so therefore it’s over” types. Okay, goodbye.
This one I met from Facebook Dating, the second time ever meeting someone off that app. She was 35 and worked in the court system, so we talked about that for a while. It was a refreshing change from the usual mix of teacher/nurse/social worker that populates dating apps. After an hour and a half the conversational well was running dry, and I needed some air. Literally. Her perfume was killing me. When we walked outside I was surprised birds didn’t fall from the sky, it was that potent. I gave her a quick hug and we parted ways, thankful I didn’t carry her scent home.
Finally I reeled in the big one. She was 34 and worked at the hospital. We’d matched in the past, but nothing ever came of it. I don’t remember what happened, but I likely met someone else and deleted my Tinder. But now we had a second chance. She was on the same wavelength, and sent me some saucy pictures. However, they were all taken from the usual angles, so I was a bit leery. Nevertheless, I persisted. My dick led the way.
I picked her up at her house, which I always find odd. You’d think people would be more careful these days, but at least I know I’m not a psycho so I went with it. She looked just as I expected. I took her on a Taco Bell date, and man that place is good. I hadn’t been there since I was a kid, and no wonder chicks go crazy for it. And I was surprised to learn that I was the first one to take her on a Taco Bell date, which she had proposed in her profile. We ate in my car and traded dating stories, and we had plenty between us. I almost told her about the blog, but that’s one thing I’ll probably never tell anyone I date.
Then she shocked me by suggesting going back to my place. She laughed when she saw the look on my face. “Don’t underestimate your hoe-getting abilities,” she said. Fuck it. Back to my place it was. I gave her the cursory tour and we ended it in my bed. We didn’t even kiss first, she just went right for the dick. She gave me some amazing head, and swallowed too. Damn, girl. I passed out shortly afterwards, and when I awoke again we had sex.
Long story short, it was nasty, and not in a good way. It was like Stinky Girl all over again. Definitely had cigarette breath, and it was awful. I don’t know how I missed it before, but I could barely stand kissing her. I fucked her in missionary for as long as I could, constantly turning my head sideways to avoid the blasts of nicotine fumes from her mouth. I lasted maybe five minutes, and after I was done I started fingering her to get her over the edge. She pushed my hand away and told me she was too insecure for that. Uh, okay.
Later on we went for round two, which was to be the final round ever. She maneuvered herself onto all fours so we could do it doggy style. Ugh. That was a sight I did not want to see again. Once again, it was like my experience with Stinky Girl, now with the overwhelming smell of ass. Actually, it was more like a sewer in a bad neighborhood. I had to lean forward and bite her back to stop myself from retching. I started losing my erection, so I just faked an orgasm and that was the end of that. Afterwards I stole away to the bathroom to douse my dick in rubbing alcohol. Just in case.
I couldn’t get her out of my place fast enough in the morning, so I just lied and said I had to get to work even though I had the day off. In the days following she sent more and more sexy pics until I finally told her I wasn’t feeling things. And that was the end of that. I haven’t checked recently, but I’m pretty sure she’s joined the ranks of the other girls from Tinder and Bumble who continue to stalk me on social media. But I finally broke my year-plus, pandemic-induced dry spell.
And there were still more dates to come.