Bad Sex

Sorry for leaving you on a cliffhanger for six months. I had another date indeed, which resulted in my first less-than-stellar sexual experience.

We met for an outdoor lunch, and then we headed back to her place. Unlike the others I’ve met, this one didn’t act like she was screening for a boyfriend. She gave me the cursory tour, ending it in her bedroom. Without hesitation I pulled her close and we started making out. And… ugh. She had lip injections that were terribly distracting. I was willing to overlook them, but they felt super weird. Then I noticed the bad breath. Holy shit. She had to be a closet smoker. Had to be. It was like she munched cigarette butts and gargled bleach. I decided it would be better if I put my mouth elsewhere, so I started pulling her clothes off.

That didn’t help either. She wouldn’t let me take her bra off because she said her breasts were too big. And she must have had some kind of skin condition because there were rashes and scabs everywhere. Oh my god. I hurried down south and buried my face in her. That’s when I started to smell something else. Was that… holy shit, yes it was. It absolutely reeked of ass down there. I was afraid to look. Instead I did that trick where you pinch your nostrils shut with your thumbs and knuckles so you can continue. Fortunately she was easy to get off, and I rolled over onto my back as she returned the favor. Just as I came I chanced a glance and saw her drooling yellow spit all over my dick.

I was certainly finished after that. There was no way I was attaining erection again under those circumstances, yet before long she was all over me, kissing and grabbing and trying to get me ready for intercourse. Yeah, no. I was too grossed out to continue, and I told her I wasn’t feeling well and left. And I wasn’t lying because my stomach was churning for a day and a half afterwards. Meanwhile she had lotions and potions and soaps on ropes all over her bathroom, so what the hell? I didn’t reach out after that, nor did I hear from her again, so I was spared the awkwardness of explaining why there’d be no Round 2. But we both achieved orgasm, so yay for that I guess.

I didn’t forget that we were in the middle of a pandemic, but this took place in the middle of the summer while our numbers were approaching zero. Emboldened by that fact – as well as thinking with my dick – I went on a bunch more dates over the next few weeks. There’s no need to recount them individually, because they all followed the usual trajectory: whatever chemistry or rapport we had quickly evaporated in person, or wasn’t even there to begin with. The last one in this group bluntly told me that she wasn’t feeling things and got up and left. Yeouch.

So fuck this pandemic for fucking up the great thing I had going with College Girl. She was really a rare find, and who knows when or if I’ll find something like that again. And I’m still surprised and confused that I never heard back from Pharmacy Girl. She gave me her number before unmatching with me on Bumble, but shot me down when I texted her. Why even give me your number then? So it looks like I had my first one-night stand. Not what I wanted, but nor am I complaining. Just bummed that I have to go through so many rejections and failed dates to find something as good as that, and then it never lasts. And for all the people who’ve told me that sex in a relationship is better… that hasn’t been the case for me at all. The casual, no-strings sex has far outstripped anything romantic that I’ve ever had – Stinky Girl aside.

I’d heard a lot about Facebook Dating, and most of it wasn’t positive. Nonetheless I decided to give it a whirl. I found that nearly all the users were single mothers. I went on a date with one of them, and I don’t think I’ll be going on dates with any more. I just can’t connect with people with kids. They’re operating on such a different set of values as to render us incompatible. I did find a strong prospect who was young, hot and childless and willing to come to my place. However the day before she claimed bad allergies and wanted to postpone a day, then two, and then she ghosted me. Sigh. Meanwhile she’s still following me on social media, joining over a dozen other lurkers who continue to view my Instagram stories. Women really mystify me sometimes.

By this point I’d been on dating sites for 8-9 unbroken months. As the fall approached and covid numbers started to rise, I started divesting myself of the apps. First to go was Facebook Dating. Next up was Bumble. By then both the quality of matches and the selection was abysmal, not to mention they’re fucking it up by introducing swipe limits and taking away the backtrack feature. The last one standing was Tinder. I disabled it for a time, but I’m back on there swiping for the hell of it. But I don’t plan on meeting anyone until it’s safe to do so. Plus it doesn’t make sense to try in the meantime. I’ve had a celibate seven months and I’m settling in for the long haul. Good thing I’ve had 30 years of practice at this…

All that aside, as shitty as 2020 has been for others, personally and professionally I had a great year and I’m looking forward to seeing what 2021 brings. Happy New Year everyone.

23 thoughts on “Bad Sex

  1. #78 oh my goodness. I feel bad, but I did feel really repulsed by your description of how it went. My stomach kind of hurts haha. I mean, good for you for continuing! I think I would have just left if I was in that situation …

  2. Woah 😂 I love your blog! What a story you have. Take it from me, we all have our less than pleasant sexual encounters. But I probably wouldn’t have ate that cat. At the same time, you’re a good sport. 😏

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