Friends With Benefits

I made it until the day after New Years before I downloaded Bumble again. I figured… “new year, new me” and all that bullshit, right?   After two weeks I’d racked up 125+ matches and landed my first date of 2020.

She was 38 and lived a good distance away so we chose a halfway point – a bar where I’ve met a few other online dates over the years.  I keep swearing off bars but it was a Wednesday so I figured it wouldn’t be that crowded or noisy.  The bar stools were occupied by douchey-looking guys who looked as if they rolled off an assembly line.  And the music was loud, but we grabbed a table near a corner where it was somewhat quieter.  We had fun comparing dating stories and such, but I wasn’t feeling anything towards her.  Then she disclosed that she had a kid.  Ugh, another undercover single mother.   That explained it.  So that’s another one down.

The next date was with Migraine Girl.  She was 29 and suffered chronic daily migraines and we had to reschedule a couple of times because of them.  She lives right by the farm I work at and we finally met up for lunch one Sunday.  However she warned me that she was getting another migraine so she might have to cut things short.  I couldn’t tell if she was acting a bit “meh” because of me or the migraines (or both), but when I asked about a second date the next day I got: “aw thanks.  You were very nice but I just didn’t feel a romantic vibe.”

Fuck this.

I downloaded Tinder right after that.  I’d tried Tinder once upon a time but it was a ghost town of activity.  Maybe it would be different this time.  And this time I was looking for a FWB.  I’d flirted with that once before but this was for real.  I was getting fed up with regular dating and I’ve been horny AF, so I felt like it was time to try something different.

I got a shitload of matches.  Dozens and dozens, and after a week I decided “what the hell” and paid for unlimited swipes.  There were also 75 outstanding likes and now I could see who they were. Most were duds mixed with fake accounts, but I seemingly hit paydirt with one chick. 

 She was down for a FWB thing and we exchanged numbers pretty quickly.  She sent me some body shots – nothing scandalous or revealing – but I could see her nipples poking through her shirt in a couple. Hot damn.

Long story short she suggested I come over to her place that night.  You know, watch a movie, “kiss me first and get that out of the way… and see what happens.”  She flooded my phone with winking emojis and questions about what I liked sexually.  I was a bit leery and suspicious that she was okay with a complete stranger coming over to her place without meeting somewhere neutral first.  “My driveway is pretty neutral,” she joked.  Um, okay then.  As usual my dick won out in the end and I headed over.

I texted her from her driveway that I had arrived and would meet her at the front door.  “Okay, I’ll be right down!”  Then I waited outside for ten minutes.  What the hell… Finally she opened the door, and I had wild ideas that after all that waiting she’d be answering in a see-through negligee or something.  Instead she was dressed in layers, even sporting a scarf.  Interesting.  Thankfully she looked just like her pictures.  She didn’t have her age on her Tinder profile but I estimated it was the same as mine.

We chit chatted as she led me to the living room couch.  I was wondering how to approach this but we just sat down continuing our conversation.  She was full of awkward energy and giving off a weird vibe.  She put on the movie Green Book, put her feet up on the coffee table and clasped her hands between her legs.  We sat there watching for a bit and I wondered whether she was waiting for me to make a move.  Eventually I put my arm around her but she didn’t react whatsoever.  Thought she might lean her head against me, or cuddle into me… nothing.  Didn’t even so much as glance at me, not even when I took one of her limp hands in mine.

Finally I went in for the kiss (as she had earlier suggested) but she leaned back as far away from me as she could, her eyes huge.  No, she wasn’t ready yet, she said.  Oof.  Awkward as fuck moment.  I sat back up, my face burning.  What was going on here?  My mind worked furiously as we continued watching the movie in silence.  So I just came right out and asked her:  Was she not feeling me?  Was she having a change of heart about the FWB thing?   Both?  She hemmed and hawed and fessed up that this was her first time having a guy over that she hadn’t met previously, and she acts differently when she thinks she might like someone.  And the whole time she was talking she didn’t even make eye contact, just stared at the blank wall over the TV.  And I mean blank – there was literally nothing on any of the walls and nary a stick of furniture in her house.  The place was barren.

When the movie was over she stretched her arms and said she had to go to bed.  Alone?  Yup.  All righty then.  I gathered my stuff and she walked me to the front door.  She asked if I wanted to have another movie night sometime, and I shrugged and said sure – thinking in the back of my mind “maybe there’ll be sex next time.”  Either she didn’t mean it or that was the wrong answer, because she unmatched with me on Tinder by the time I got back home.  I already knew there wasn’t going to be a next time. Thus concluded one of the weirdest encounters I’ve had.  Not in the Top Five but definitely in the Top Ten.  Strange shit.

I made sure to confirm with this one that she knew I was looking for something casual.  For all the griping I see about men not reading women’s profiles, I can’t tell you how often I’ve been balls deep in a conversation only to get an “oh wait, I just looked at your profile – I didn’t realize that  you were looking for a FWB.”  But this one was on board, so all that was left was to meet and see how we hit it off.  She was a cute little 29yo blondie and we met at the local brewery.  We’ve never been there before and it was a pretty cool place (note to self for future dates).  However she didn’t seem that interested in me.  I guess my looks were not enough to overcome my personality… or vice versa.  Damn.  I suggested the ol’ “come over and watch a movie” and left the ball in her court, but it’s been a week and a half without hearing from her.  We’re still matched on Tinder but… it looks like the end of the line.

This one lived a little ways away from me but I was in the area and we met for an afternoon of coffee and cards.  She was 28 and better looking than her pictures. I was digging her but wasn’t sure if she was digging me.  Finally I asked if she was okay with the FWB thing, because this was feeling more like a regular date than anything.  “I’m not actually sure I’m looking for that right now.  I thought I’d be okay with it, but some things have changed and now I’m not sure I want to do that.”  Jesus Christ.  But she had fun and thanked me for a great time, and that was that.

I was started to get a little fed up again, but then things changed in a way I never expected…

(to be continued)

23 thoughts on “Friends With Benefits

  1. It sounds hard dating as a guy. I’ve never had so many first dates go nowhere with no kiss or anything. (Hoping I don’t jinx myself). I’ve had pretty good experiences and met cool people on Tinder in the short time I used it. Maybe only 2 were misses because I wasn’t interested in them like that, not even as a friend.

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