Serial dating

Well, guess who was back on Bumble and scored a bunch more dates?  Yours truly.  Yup. I know, I know… I keep saying I’m done forever and never going back, yet I keep returning every few months like an Alzheimer’s patient.  I guess deep down I think a 3-6 month break to regroup will result in better luck next time, but (spoiler alert!) I still haven’t cracked online dating.

Of course, I wasn’t taking it seriously this time either.  I put up a joke profile in order to collect more funny screenshots of my conversations.  However I also collected dozens and dozens of matches along with my first hookup, so maybe I was onto something. People appreciated my sense of humor so I started screening them for first dates.  If they enjoyed a pic of me sitting on the bowl reading the bible, then maybe they were worth getting to know.

#51

First one up was a 36yo teacher from a few towns over.  We met at a bar/restaurant where I’d met a few other dates from the same area.  She came across way older and more mature than I expected.  I felt like I was having a sit-down with one of my teachers from high school.  It was a little off-putting.  We sat and drank and talked about a bunch of shit for two hours and… nothing.  Didn’t feel anything.  We called it a night and she told me to call her if I wanted to get together again.  I think she was just being polite, but I wasn’t interested.  However she did introduce me to Blue Moon.  Pretty tasty and went down very easily.  I put away two of them and ended up very giggly.  After the date I had to sit in my car for a while before I felt ready to drive home.

#52

Next one was a 29yo social worker.  She lived locally and we went to the nearby crepe place – another venue I’ve met a few dates at.  I approached this one with caution.  All of her pictures were from the neck/cleavage and up, so you know what that means.  She was waiting outside the place, and I parked a little bit away so I had to time to appraise her as I approached.  “Hmm… okay, I can work with that,”  I thought to myself.  Things got off to a strong start conversation-wise but dropped off after a while.  We were only there for an hour, hour and a half at most.  I was mildly interested in seeing her again and reached out afterwards, but no response.  Another girl down.

#53

34yo, worked in sales for some health product company.  And she was a former Mormon.  Very interesting.  We had similar strict religious upbringings, so we could relate to each other a lot.  She was even more sheltered than I was though.  She was a recent transplant from the city and lived in a town that I knew very well.  Unfortunately, I didn’t know it as well as I thought because the mac and cheese place I took her to was still under construction.  Whoops.  My internet research told me it was open.

Fortunately I knew a sports bar in the center of town.  In fact, it was yet another place I’d taken a few dates to.  Apparently I have regular date spots, but they’re good spots so why fix what’s not broken?  And they had a mac and cheese dish she really liked so… hero!  I was rather taken with her too.  She was the hottest girl out of this latest bunch.  But I was relaxed and comfortable with her and conversation flowed well.  Only at the very end of the two hours did things start to peter out.  I suggested another place just down the road, but she passed. Damn.

We walked to the parking lot, exchanged nice meeting yous, hugged good night and went our separate ways.  We stayed in touch for a couple days and then things fizzled. Oh well.  I thought she might have been fun to spend more time with.  But she also might have been a bit too conservative for my tastes.  I don’t mean politically, because we covered that topic on our date and we were mostly on the same page.  I just need someone with a bit more edge.

#54

29yo lawyer, and you know what lawyers use for birth control… their personalities.  Okay, it wasn’t that bad.  She looked just like her pictures and it was pleasant enough, but she was kinda “meh” to me.  Apparently the feeling was mutual because while I did my best to keep the conversation going, she hardly asked a single thing about myself.  At least she bought her own drink while I had myself another Blue Moon.  She called it a night at 9:30.  Then we walked to the parking lot, exchanged nice meeting yous, hugged good night and went our separate ways.

 #55

I seem to be see-sawing between 29yo and 34yo here.  This one was 34 and worked in the events and activities office at her college.  And she lived all the way in Brooklyn. Oof.  Apparently we matched due to one of my trips in and out of the city.  I normally wouldn’t consider someone that far in, but she was being all flirty and winky in our conversations so I thought it was worth investigating.

We met at a halfway point but the place we agreed upon was noisy as fuck.  Oh hell no.  I suggested a bar down the street which had live music but was marginally better.  This is why I don’t like to do bars for weekend dates.  I want to have a nice, relaxed, fun and flirty conversation – which is hard to do when you have to shout everything.  Not to mention I have to sit or lean in so close to hear that I feel like I’m invading personal space.

She looked great though.  She also had some of the spirit and energy I was looking for.  That was because she was a stereotypical Italian.  Yappity yappity yappity.  Never a quiet moment with her.  But she was a bit of a conversational steamroller, crushing all other words and sentences in her path.  Between that and the increasing volume of the place (I swear the guitarist was increasing it one notch after every song) I was getting aggravated and not feeling things anymore.  After two hours I also had a headache.

I called it a night.  Then we walked to the parking lot, exchanged nice meeting yous, hugged good night and went our separate ways.  The usual story.  I debated with myself on the way home, wondering if I was making a mistake casting this one aside.  I kinda liked her, but I didn’t think I could manage the distance.  I also wasn’t sure what else I could do with her.  I slept on it, and when I awoke in the morning I realized I was fine with not seeing her again.

***

I got along really well with the next girl I talked to.  Twice I tried to set up a first date but she kept sidestepping my attempts.  Finally she confessed that she connected with someone else and wanted to explore things.  Okay.  Goodbye.

The next one lived even further away than Brooklyn Girl, but she was the first one in ages to match me in silly and witty banter.  We talked for two weeks and set up a date for a Sunday, but she developed cold feet a few hours beforehand.  First she made noises about rescheduling, then asked if I didn’t prefer to meet someone closer?  She went on and on about how she doesn’t typically meet guys from my area, this isn’t going to work in reality, etc. etc.  Jesus.  This didn’t occur to her at any time before during the past two weeks?  The whole thing collapsed like a house of cards, but on the bright side I had a Sunday all to myself.

And lastly, I had a really hot prospect that I was talking to for the past three weeks.  We even graduated to the phone and had hours-long conversations, something I’d never done before.   I was really excited to meet her and we were supposed to meet this past Saturday, but she went cold turkey on me come Thanksgiving.  I texted her a couple of times over the weekend and got no response.  So I have no idea what happened, but I figure someone more interesting came along.

That’s all for now, folks.

Surgery

 

eyes

I’ve been a little quieter than usual lately.  That’s because I had a little downtime as I recovered from surgery.   Eye surgery.  LASIK, to be precise.  A month later it remains one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.  Now the nightmare is over and I’m finally free.  When the school nurse told me 24 years ago that I needed glasses, I felt my world crumbling around me.  The kids already made fun of me to no end, and they didn’t need more ammunition.

I’d read that carrots were good for eyesight, so for the next week I devoured them like my life depended on it.  Unfortunately it wasn’t enough to stave off my first prescription.  But I only needed them to read the blackboard, so it could have been worse.  However it got worse.  Over the years my eyesight deteriorated, going from 20/80 to 20/400.  I ended up wearing glasses nearly all the time just to see the world around me.  I hated the way they looked and how they made me felt.

When I went on dates I’d put my glasses on and quickly scour the bar or restaurant to find her, then hurriedly stash them out of sight before I was seen wearing them.  If there was a menu I’d read it online first so I’d already know what to order.  Style before comfort.  Finally I’d had enough.  Once I saved up the necessary cash (nearly $4000 – I got a discount) I went for a consultation and scheduled the procedure for a few weeks later.  My sister had it done two years ago and highly recommended the doctor.  I had very little idea what to expect since I didn’t ask my sister anything and purposely did no research.

I didn’t get nervous until I was in the waiting room, but even then they  gave me a Xanax and suddenly I was too busy examining the wallpaper and laughing at nothing.  Then I was led inside where they put numbing drops in my eyes and swung this big contraption over me.  The doctor put in some kind of plastic speculum  to hold my eyelids open and then he did something and everything went blurry.  I was told to stare at a blinking red light and that I would hear a loud ticking sound as the laser operated.  And that was it.  He spent a minute or two on each eye and I was in the room for less than ten minutes total.  Quick, easy, painless.

When I was upright again, I could see the clock on the wall with my naked eye, something I’d never been able to do.  Things were still a bit blurry and watery but they cleared up over time.  I kept my eyes closed on the ride home and went right to bed.  For the next ten days I did two sets of eyedrops three times a day, and wore eye covers at night.  The morning after procedure I removed  my eye covers and sat up in bed.  I could see the books on my shelf across the room.  I could even read the titles.

It was so amazing I nearly cried.  For those of you who already see for free, you have no idea what a miraculous transformation it was.  I could see!  I kept exclaiming that aloud over the next week, marveling at how I could read street signs and menu boards at fast food joints, how I could type on the computer or watch a movie unaided.  That wasn’t the only difference.  I’d never noticed how blue my eyes were until now, because I could never see them properly.  I couldn’t hold things close to my face anymore to read them, I had to hold them a foot or two away.

To top off, when my family and I went to the Chinese buffet to celebrate a few days later, I caught a girl looking at me.  She was working the front desk in the dance studio next door and our eyes met as I passed by the window.  Her expression was hard to decipher, but… was it possible?  Was this one actually checking me out?  Have others been checking me out?  Have I been missing things over the years because I literally couldn’t see them?  Now I find myself constantly looking about, taking in every details, looking for things I might have missed before.

Ditching the glasses gave me a nice confident boost.  I stand a bit taller now, comforted by the fact I don’t look like Harry Potter anymore.  In fact I went on a new string of dates to test things out, which I will update you about in the next post.  I don’t have to limit my screen exposure anymore, so it’s time to get back to writing.