I’ve just returned from my first cuddle therapy session. Eoylus had suggested it, and the idea was so crazy I figured I’d try it – especially since there’s been a serious dearth of cuddling or just plain physical touch in my life. So I looked at some sites, checked out the girls in my area, and submitted a request for a session with one of them. Within a day she had contacted me and we worked out an appointment for this evening. She texted me her address and off I went.
When I arrived I discovered that she lived in a trailer park. Huh. Well… okay. Not what I expected, but whatever. I couldn’t find her particular unit and the numbers were barely visible, so I parked and got out to take a closer look. After a couple of minutes I found it and knocked on the door. When she answered I was pleased to see that was indeed the same girl listed on the site. Unfortunately, the one on the site appeared to be in her mid-20s while the one that greeted me was nearly 50.
We exchanged hellos and I asked her where to park, since I’d left my truck in a No Parking zone. She directed me to park right in front of her trailer, and as I went to move my truck I considered ditching out. But I’d already come all that way so I figured… what the hell. By the time I got back to her place and stepped inside, she was busy lighting a million candles. At first I thought we were holding a seance, but she was just covering up the smell from her chain-smoking habit.
And there were cats.
Cats everywhere. I lost count at 20.
A chain-smoking crazy cat lady. She asked me if I wanted anything to drink before we got started. There was a cat sitting in the kitchen sink with his tail in one of the glasses. No, ma’am, I do not. We moved to the bedroom and she lit more candles. She yabbered endlessly about everything under the sun. I think I was the first person she’d seen in years.
Prior to meeting she had told me that she gives mostly massages. I’ve been in the mood for a massage for quite some time, so that was fine with me. I lay face-down the bed and she started working on my back. Mmm. Very nice. She told me she had this special lavender massage oil, and would it be okay if she used it? Go for it. But what about your shirt? No problem – I took it off so it wasn’t in the way.
I grunted as she climbed up on the bed and straddled me. Then I felt something warm and furry right after she started rubbing the lotion in. I laughed and asked her what that was.
“Oh, that’s just Bobo.”
I twisted my head around and saw there was a cat on my back. Jesus. What is it with me and girls with cats? She laughed and told me her cats like the smell of the oil. Meanwhile Bobo was settling into a nice, comfortable position. He wouldn’t move when she tried to shoo him away, and he dug in his claws in protest when she tried to pick him up. When Bobo was finally hauled away, several pieces of my skin went with him.
She then soaked me with so much massage oil I feared for my life. One false move near a candle and I might burst into flames. But she worked it into my skin, working out all my knots and kinks with her expert hands. Ahh… this was more like it. I tried to relax and lose myself in the moment, but she was all talk talk talk talk talk talk. I did my best to answer, but as my face was buried in her pillows it was all I could do to mumble a response.
After 45 minutes of that, she got up and lay down beside me without touching me. I rolled over and put one arm around her. We stayed like that for a little while, her yabbering on and me listening. There were at least four cats watching us from various parts of the room. Finally it was time for me to go, and I was ready. That massage was just what I needed, though. I was all peaceful and calm and tranquil and yes.
At least I was until I hit and killed a deer on the way home. I swerved at the last possible second, but I still managed to catch him by the antlers. Just clipped him with the front corner of my truck. I heard a soft thud, and when I got out to look he was lying in the shoulder with his head bent back at a real unnatural angle. Whoops. Oh well – not my deer, not my problem.
So that’s what cuddle therapy was like for me. Not quite what I expected, nor the experience I was looking for. I might try it just one more time with a different girl, but at these prices I’m certainly not going to be a repeat customer.