I’ve just returned from my first cuddle therapy session.  Eoylus had suggested it, and the idea was so crazy I figured I’d try it – especially since there’s been a serious dearth of cuddling or just plain physical touch in my life.  So I looked at some sites, checked out the girls in my area, and submitted a request for a session with one of them.  Within a day she had contacted me and we worked out an appointment for this evening.  She texted me her address and off I went.

When I arrived I discovered that she lived in a trailer park.  Huh.  Well… okay.  Not what I expected, but whatever.  I couldn’t find her particular unit and the numbers were barely visible, so I parked and got out to take a closer look.  After a couple of minutes I found it and knocked on the door.  When she answered I was pleased to see that was indeed the same girl listed on the site.  Unfortunately, the one on the site appeared to be in her mid-20s while the one that greeted me was nearly 50.


We exchanged hellos and I asked her where to park, since I’d left my truck in a No Parking zone.  She directed me to park right in front of her trailer, and as I went to move my truck I considered ditching out.  But I’d already come all that way so I figured… what the hell.  By the time I got back to her place and stepped inside, she was busy lighting a million candles.  At first I thought we were holding a seance, but she was just covering up the smell from her chain-smoking habit.

And there were cats.

Cats everywhere.  I lost count at 20.

Holy shit.

A chain-smoking crazy cat lady.  She asked me if I wanted anything to drink before we got started.  There was a cat sitting in the kitchen sink with his tail in one of the glasses.  No, ma’am, I do not.  We moved to the bedroom and she lit more candles.  She yabbered endlessly about everything under the sun.  I think I was the first person she’d seen in years.

Prior to meeting she had told me that she gives mostly massages. I’ve been in the mood for a massage for quite some time, so that was fine with me.  I lay face-down the bed and she started working on my back.  Mmm.  Very nice.  She told me she had this special lavender massage oil, and would it be okay if she used it?  Go for it.  But what about your shirt?  No problem – I took it off so it wasn’t in the way.

I grunted as she climbed up on the bed and straddled me.  Then I felt something warm and furry right after she started rubbing the lotion in. I laughed and asked her what that was.

“Oh, that’s just Bobo.”


I twisted my head around and saw there was a cat on my back.  Jesus.  What is it with me and girls with cats?  She laughed and told me her cats like the smell of the oil.  Meanwhile Bobo was settling into a nice, comfortable position.  He wouldn’t move when she tried to shoo him away, and he dug in his claws in protest when she tried to pick him up.  When Bobo was finally hauled away, several pieces of my skin went with him.


She then soaked me with so much massage oil I feared for my life.  One false move near a candle and I might burst into flames.  But she worked it into my skin, working out all my knots and kinks with her expert hands.  Ahh… this was more like it.  I tried to relax and lose myself in the moment, but she was all talk talk talk talk talk talk.  I did my best to answer, but as my face was buried in her pillows it was all I could do to mumble a response.

After 45 minutes of that, she got up and lay down beside me without touching me.  I rolled over and put one arm around her.  We stayed like that for a little while, her yabbering on and me listening.  There were at least four cats watching us from various parts of the room.  Finally it was time for me to go, and I was ready.  That massage was just what I needed, though.  I was all peaceful and calm and tranquil and yes.

So that’s what “cuddle therapy” was like for me.  Not quite what I expected, nor the experience I was looking for.  I might try it just one more time with a different girl, but at these prices I’m certainly not going to be a repeat customer.



I’ve been thinking about going for a massage lately.  Not the kind with a happy ending, although one of those would be nice too. But I’m kinda starved for another person’s touch, something I think most people take for granted.  I don’t think I’ve ever received a massage in my life.  I gave my ex a few neck and back rubs, but she never reciprocated. Finally I asked her one day if she would oblige me.  (Sucks when you have to ask.)  She proceeded to run her palm in wide circles around my back for about five minutes before complaining that her hand was tired and then stopped.

So… yeah.  That’s about it for me.

The idea came to me when I visited Atlantic City a couple of months ago.  It seemed like every third storefront on the boardwalk was a massage place.  Tempting, but I decided to wait until I was back on home turf, especially since some of the places were a bit seedy-looking. I’m thinking of scheduling one in December or January when I’m finished with work.  That way I can fully enjoy it.  My job is a bit rough on the joints and muscles and it would be great to work out the kinks in my body.

In the meantime, the idea came to me yet again when I got a haircut the other day.  I went to that place that does the hot towels and scalp massage.  The same place I made that Freudian slip to the girl cutting my hair.  I got the same girl again.  That was almost a year ago so I didn’t remember her at first, although I had no trouble once again recognizing her as hot. We had a fun chat while she worked, discussing how much Halloween sucks nowadays – because it really does.  Has anyone else noticed this?  I don’t know how it is where you live, but around here it’s become a rather dismal affair.  The number of trick-or-treaters has shrunk to virtually nothing, there are no shaving cream or silly string fights anymore, and by 5PM everything is dead.  No pun.

Anyway.  When it came time for the hot towel and scalp massage (along with a shampoo and rinse) I found myself both content and a little sad.  It was really nice to feel a girl’s hands on me even if it was non-sexual and strictly business.   But it also reminded me of what I was missing out on.  Jesus.  I need to step up my game some more.  I’m going to be the 31-year-old virgin next month.  And I can forget about her.  I finally found her on Facebook, and she has a boyfriend (three years).  Of course.  I’ve said it a hundred times: they always have boyfriends.  She’s also much younger than I realized.  Not that I have a problem with that.

Speaking of which…

Dance class was canceled the following week, so I didn’t see New Face until the other night.  Her real name is Missy.  She seemed excited to see me once again.  When I came in the door she got all breathless and flustered and dropped her bag.  I take that as a good sign.  I talked to her and learned a little more about her.  When I got home I finally found her on Facebook too.  Damn… I knew she was young but she’s really young.  She only just started college, which means she’s 18 or 19 at most.  Oh yeah, and she happens to be Facebook friends with my niece. That could get awkward. But what the hell.  Let’s see what happens.

And a quick rundown:

-Nothing more with Melody.  If she genuinely wants to be friends first, she’s certainly not acting like it.  I’m the only one who initiates contact; she never does.  And when I do engage her in conversation, it’s rather one-sided.  Never asks me anything in return.  So forget it.  Even if I wanted to see her again, she already said she has no time.  I don’t need any more hints.

-Nothing more with The Babysitter.  I texted her with a second date suggestion and she finally came back a couple of days later with:  “Hi sorry for not getting back to you sooner but I’ve been really busy and I’m trying to go back to school so I don’t think I’ll have much or any free time I’m sorry.”  Yeah, I know what that means.  I texted back: “So… not interested, in other words?”  No response.  Oh well.  Moving on.

I’ve exchanged messages with some more girls on OKC, but most of them petered out.  I have a couple I’m talking to right now, so we’ll see what happens.  Bit of a disappointing crop on there this year, but I’m continuing my search.

I can do this.