Craigslist

A little while ago I was in one of my silly moods, so I decided to post a completely ridiculous ad in the Craigslist personals section.  You know, just for shits and giggles.  This is what I wrote:

“Single and Disease Free

Yes I am! And I’m that way because I don’t think much of sex. The thought of seeing a vagina scares me – all those folds and smells… ew. I’d rather just stay home and rub one out once a day. That seems to work for me, and it keeps my head clear.

Some people consider me an asshole. I am remarkably self-centered. I live in my own little world and I only care for things that interest me. I like to talk about myself and I rarely care what other people have to say because most of you are boring with your inconsequential bitching and kvetching about the hopelessly trivial and mundane. I don’t want to hear about your job, your car, your school, your money problems, your family issues, or your bitchy friends and all their juicy gossip. I don’t like chatterboxes. Any girl who opens her mouth too much around me is going to find something shoved inside it to shut her up. And I’ll give you three guesses as to what that might be.

If I have to go someplace or do something that I’d rather not, I try to make sure everybody else is as miserable as I am. I don’t like shopping, I don’t like people who like to shop, and I don’t like people who shop – period. So no, I will not go with you. I’ve seen enough sad men trudging along with their girlfriends at the store, holding armfuls of clothes while their girls run around like squirrels picking out 20 more things, only to put 19 of them back after trying them all on so they can take pictures of themselves in the mirror making kissy faces or sticking their tongues out so they can Instagram them.  What a way to waste an evening. I’d rather stay home and chew broken glass. And rub another one out.

But I digress.

I also hate sports and video games. Most boring shit I can imagine is sitting around with a bunch of other asshole guys playing DDR or Tekken 2 or Wii or whatever the hell they do these days. Oh yeah – Guitar Hero. Nothing like sitting around pressing buttons to impress your friends. But I would like to press your buttons.

I don’t like smoking. I don’t like people who treat every occasion as a beer fest. I don’t like tattoos or piercings. Animal sacrifices and pyromaniacs are okay with me. If you can combine the two, that’s even better. I once found a dead cat in somebody’s basement and I set it on fire in their driveway. True story. So I may not like eating pussy, but I do like cooking it.

I also don’t like kids. So don’t look for me to be Mr. Right, because I’m just Mr. Right Now. I don’t like kids for the same reasons I don’t like dogs or Italian girls: they’re loud, annoying, and expensive. Not to mention that I’m also Irish, so dislike of Italians is mandatory. Actually, I’m not 100% Irish, but I wish I was. I’m 25% Kraut, and that’s my dopey dad’s fault..  

When I build a friendship with someone I have only one rule: if you ask, you buy. I will give you a few chances to not push the bill towards me at the end of the meal, but if you push it towards me I will be very upset, and I will shove my spoon up your ass, so don’t mess with me.

Other than that I’m a great guy and pretty easy to get along with – say my prison friends – as long as I’m not in one of my un-medicated rages or high on amphetamines.

So send me a message and we’ll talk. Or I’ll do all the talking and you can listen, because I like that. I want to meet a person who is understanding (agrees with everything I say), caring (wink wink), and friendly (likes to make money from strangers). I’m sure there is the perfect girl for me out there. And if you do decide to send me or any other guy a pic, please don’t send any that include you holding your 2yo nephew in your lap, because that sends the message that “I want one of these soon” and that is entirely the wrong message to send. Especially in this economy.

And yes, that is really me in the picture. How would you like to wake up next to that face every morning?

Hope to hear from you soon!”

***

The responses were fast and furious, and to my surprise I received equal amounts of fan and hate mail over the course of several weeks.  Here are some of the best ones in their completely unedited form:

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U r rediculous !!!! What do u like? All u said Is what u don’t and to
be honest it’s no wonder why u need to put an add on craigslist. U
no… what beggers CAN NOT be choosers and u can have fun ” rubbing
one out ” bcuz I think tht is what u will be doing for the rest of ur
life… Thts how ugly u r!!! U have no room to bitch and complain
about girls when u obviously have ur own issues to deal with. Setting
a cat on fire someone should set ur mother on fire and see how u like
it !!! ur a cruel human being and god must have really fucked up when
he made u. I hope u live a sad lonely life and I hope u do fall in
love… And I hope she realizes what a loser u r and rips ur heart out
and takes u for everything u hve u fuckig douchebag

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Hi saw you on craigslist, was that description of you real? Im just asking because i found it fascinating im not really looking for a realationship or anything but you just seem so authentic and unique just a cool person to know, What town do you live in?

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You seem fairly normal though i could be completely wrong. Which wouldn’t be unusual because really I’m awful at picking character. So you really could be the dick that most people would conclude you as from your little prompt. Anyhow, from first impression to me, which i said is probably a poor reading, you seem normal. I’d like to know if you are really looking for someone via craigslist. I’m fairly positive that you might be able to get a girl in person but i honestly have know idea maybe you pass out when talking to us or are just a freak i dont know anyhow. Talk and i’ll listen, egotist. Because I’d like to.

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wow I don’t know how u are ever going to find a woman with that attitude. Aparrently you need some mental help.if any grl replys to this message seriuosly there more messed up then u are. im glad ur not my friend cuz that shit dont fly with me. with that kind of attitude your gonna bump in to the wrong person one day and ur gonna be sorry. People dont take kindly to some of the things that ur sayin. and if ur so scared of the pussy then maybe your gay. And u need a boyfriend not a grl friend. So maybe you need to come out of the closet. and i think its funny that you dont like people who always treat every occasion as a beer fest but u contridick your self later on by saying your a pretty easy going guy unless ur in a drunkin rage or high on amphetamines. I bet you dont even work that’s y ur cheap and wont pay for anything. and a guy suppost to take the woman out on the date not the other way around. You really sound like you have the makin of the next serial killer. burning cats in a driveways is really sick and sudistic. i have a name of a really good doctor would u like it? And ur face is scarer then your add for a date. no wounder ur single if i had to wake up to that face everyday i think i would kill myself.

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THIS IS PROBABLLY THE MOST HILARIOUS THING I HAVE EVER READ. iM NOT ON HERE FOR DATING, JUST TO HAVE A LAUGH AT THE MIDDLE-AGED MARRIED MEN TALKING ABOUT PASSION AND EROTICISM, BUT I HAPPENED ACROSS UR PAGE AND I HAVE TO SAY, CHARMING REALLY. HAHA AND UR FACE AIN’T THAT BAD 🙂

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Dear Mr. COCKy,

Oh how refreshing it is to hear yet another misogynistic, rejected and defeated man complaining about his ex-girlfriend via craiglsist. Oh if we only knew each other, how I would give you a standing ovation…or perhaps, we could erect a monument to stupid in your personal honor. Oh witty you are, and small your penis be.

FUCK YOU.

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Omg your little self-righteous blurb is funny as hell. No wonder you are desperate enough to look for a girl on craigslist. If you end up with a 40-year old virgin guy I will consider that you are blessed. Btw – Irish/Italian is the most common combination so obviously hating italians ain’t really all that popular, but you can keep telling yourself that that’s why you hate us. LMAO thanks for the laugh and good luck on your endeavors kid.

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I can see why someone as ugly as you is so miserable. KILL YOURSELF LOSER

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Are you a modern-day Holden Caulfield?
Because that is how it seems.
But like a modern-day bitter Holden, who let Jane escape him.
Not sure if you’ve ever read the book (or read at all) but I felt such a strong desire to just let you know that.
I also laughed throughout the entire post.
“But I digress” ? Ha! I’ve used that in research papers in college when I felt the need to escape writing a whole new paragraph.
Anyway, I hope this finds you well.

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Go fuck your mother. Go fuck your sister. Go fuck yourself. I hope you get raped up the ass with an AIDS dick you fucking faggot

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Bravo. That is really all I can say in response to your post on Craigslist.

While reading, I simply thought, “Jesus Christ. I need to meet this guy.”

I hate kids. They have sticky, jam hands. I hate shopping. It’s a consumeristic obsession with shit – shit that doesn’t pay the bills, doesn’t make you happy, and doesn’t get you laid. I hate video games. … I’d rather rub one out. Pyromania is were it’s at. I’m selfish. I left my boyfriend in Louisiana and moved to New York a few weeks ago. He was socially retarded anyway. I do what I want to do, and I don’t ask permission or let others tie me down. I’m not a bitter, cynical man-hater who bitches about every guy that ever crossed me and complain that maybe “I’m just too fat” or maybe “Men are just intimidated by me” or the age old, “I don’t understand what is wrong with me!” Christ. I’d like to make pinatas out of those complaining women. Foremost, I just can’t stand bitching. Be happy. If it’s not one thing, it’s another – so shut the fuck up and enjoy yourself.

I’m 21, just graduated college with a degree in English, planning on going to law school in the Fall. My ideal career would involve making people cry and kicking ass and taking names on a regular basis – so, attorney is the plan for now. I believe in justice, but I’m politically moderate – conservative on spending; liberal on lifestyle.

Some people consider me a bitch. I, too, am remarkably self-centered. However, I am surprisingly low-maintience, which makes me sound like a dishwasher, but, regardless, I am easy to please. There’s not much that I do not enjoy (besides kids, complaining, laziness, video games, shopping, reckless drivers, intolerant fuckers, the usual). I don’t do much here considering I only know how to get to my apartment, my office building, and the grocery store. I’ve lived in Louisiana my whole life, so this is completely new to me, but so far it’s pretty great. I do like to go out, but, as you mentioned, I’m not one to turn every occasion into a “beer fest.”

I attached some nephew-less photos – dorking cooking shot (my first day in NY), the day I graduated giving a thumbs up in my living room … like a dork, and my best friend and I at a football game this past December (yes, she’s hot, but she belongs to my brother and lives in Louisiana). Altogether, I’m … dorky. Book worm, movie buff, writer (but none of that terrible teenage angry-at-my-parents shit; real writing), and general insomniac that loves Google-ing everything to learn more. I’m generally the clown of the group, and the one people turn to for laughs … or the first person asked to do or try something stupid for a bet or merely entertainment, and I usually do it.

My name is Amanda, by the way. I understand you don’t like sex, kids, games, smokers, heavy drinkers, shopping, chatty women, Italians, dogs, etc … so, what do you like?

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just had to say that ad was classic dude, havent seen an ad like that in forever

not a chick so obviously it doesnt fit me, just had to say that was epic

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lmfao i have to say that i absolutely loved ur ad!! so, other than the smoking, having a child and liking animals part i’d totally be ur type of girl, but i do smoke, have a 6 yr old son and had 2 kittens as of yesterday, but put 1 to sleep!! although you have many stipulations when it comes to ur miss right, u may very well find that 1, yes ONE, girl out there just for u and i truly hope that u do because u seem very interesting and extremely entertaining and amusing!! good luck!! 😉

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Greatly amusing, as is everything I do. But I do tire of things eventually and finally took the ad down.  Oh, and that girl Amanda that wrote to me?  We’ve exchanged messages and numbers.  And yeah, we have a date coming up.  Looks like it might be time to resurrect the counter.

Cheers.

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12 thoughts on “Craigslist

  1. I’m glad you have a meet up with Amanda. She is clearly the only woman to message you to not have had her irony meter removed or a sense of humour bypass.

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