My dance group recently hosted a post-holiday get together. This is not the group with Dancer Chick and Teacher. In that group we’re all roughly the same age. This is the other group, where I’m the youngest by at least 15 years.
And I’m the only guy.
That did not bode well for the party.
Have you ever been to parties hosted by and attended primarily by women? Holy crap. They’re horrible because they don’t have any food. I mean, they have food… if you like munching on carrot sticks and salad and potato-lentil twists (whatever the hell those are) for four hours. When guys throw a party, they have the four basic food groups – beer, soda, chips, burgers. Women have parties like Jenny Craig meetings. Everything is fat free, sugar free, salt free, gluten free, flavor free… The drinks are all diet and they taste like piss. And the only thing is worse is when you go to one of these parties and everything is vegan. GTFO with that shit. I need heaping plates of meat and potatoes, brimming with chemicals and trans fats – just the way God intended. I ain’t got no time for calorie counting or healthy eating.Before I went to the party, I decided to stop at the store and pick up some snacks and drinks. My mother always taught me never to go to someone’s house empty-handed. And if nothing else, at least there would be stuff there that I would enjoy eating. But the store was an absolute zoo. Took me five minutes just to get into the parking lot, and once I was inside there were lines at every single register that stretched halfway to the back of the store. What in the blue fuck was going on?
Then I overheard snatches of conversation – apparently the few inches of snow that were initially forecast to hit had ballooned into a “historic” blizzard. Oh, really, another one? We get so many of these “historic” blizzards that I’m starting to lose track. Where I live in New York, everyone has an SUV and lives a half-mile from a 7-11. Yet every time there is snow in the forecast, people stock up like we’re going to be stranded for weeks without food or water. Morons.
So it was especially frustrating standing on line due to all the nonsense. I wish they had a checkout lane just for single guys, because we race around the supermarket like we’re on an episode of Shop ‘Til You Drop. I could fill two entire shopping carts in the time it takes my mother or any one of my sisters to pick out six things. They have to juggle the fruit, hold it up to the light, squeeze it, smell it, and examine it from every angle. They park themselves in front of the meat and stare at it for ten minutes like it’s an art exhibit, after which they finally narrow it down to two packages of pork chops like finalists on American Idol. Oh, and of course they have the check the dates and ingredients on every single thing. Guys don’t care about any of that. Food looks funny? Expired two weeks ago? Includes fragments of small children? Whatever. BAM! In the cart and onto the next item on the list.
But I digress.
The women were happy to see me when I finally arrived, but no one happier than Lizzy. I’m pretty sure she’s got the hots for me. She lights up whenever she sees me, and she always makes time to talk to me. If I’m standing close to her she’ll rub my back or hold onto my arm or touch me in some way. And lately she’s been asking whether I want to carpool to dance practice. Not to mention that she’s always making jokes to the effect of, “oh, if only I was 20 years younger!”
Because she’s like 47.
That’s what’s giving me pause. She’s also divorced, but on the other hand she doesn’t have any kids, so that’s a plus. And if she were indeed 20 years younger I’d be all over that without hesitation. But lately I’ve been considering making a move. Every time I see her now I’m checking her out and appraising her possibilities. She looks pretty good, and she’s awfully nice and sweet and pleasant to be around. I don’t know… what do you all think? Should I go for it? I’m pretty sure I could pull it off if I did.
In other news, I’d nearly forgotten about my FWB profile experiment on OkCupid until some girl sent me a message:
“Hi, how are you doing ?”
Sigh. Any profile I’ve ever written, I’ve always ensured it provides plenty of fodder for conversation. So I hate it when girls send messages like this. I checked her profile out of curiosity. She was a single mother and she was looking for a “SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP ONLY, NO HOOKUPS” (emphasis hers). So what the heck did she want with me?
“Well hello there,” I wrote back. “I read your profile, and I daresay I don’t seem to be quite what you’re looking for…?”
The response was swift and furious: “Ok then. You shouldn’t of even responded. Bye.”
“Well I’m on here looking for a casual, sex-based relationship. You’re looking for something serious and someone to have a family with. Sorry, but I thought that was worth pointing out,” I said.
Her: “Ok go get stds from casual sex and stop messaging me.”
Me: “If that’s how you feel, why did you message me in the first place? Didn’t you read my profile?”
Her: “It doesn’t say you just want to have random sex with strangers. So again. Good bye!”
Me: “That’s because I’m not looking for ‘random sex with strangers,’ just a casual relationship with one person, like a fwb situation. Bit of a difference. Anyhoo – thanks for stopping by!”
Her: “Omg I said stop messaging me!”
Her: “STOP FUCKING MESSAGING ME WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU????”
I could have easily kept this exchange going, but I decided I was already amused enough. But man, some people really go from 0 to 60 faster than anything, don’t they? In any case I certainly dodged a bullet if she’s that touchy.
I’ve neglected to mention this, but I created a profile on FetLife a couple of months ago. Partly out of curiosity, and partly because I have some interests on the kinkier side. This shouldn’t surprise some of you, as I’ve alluded to it before along with my bedside drawer of paraphernalia that I hope to employ someday. But as one of my fellow bloggers reminded me, “Baby steps, Tommy, baby steps… You gotta learn to fuck before you learn to freak,” she said. Words of wisdom, indeed.
Anyway, I also thought there might be a chance of finding a girl with a virgin fetish. Hey, anything’s possible. Unfortunately, there are a thousand other virgin dudes on the site, apparently all with the same idea. So this looks like a non-starter. Not to mention that most of the girls I check out on FetLife are already in relationships or are somebody’s “slave” or “property” and aren’t looking to meet anyone anymore. They’re just on the site to “talk to new people” or “look around.” Oh, screw you.
So I’m pretty much done with the online scene for the time being. I’d much rather meet someone organically and I still feel that’s the best way to do it. And after a while you start feeling like most people who are online dating are on there for a reason. In fact, most of the girls I’ve been on dates with are still pining away on OKC.