Currents

I went on a second date with Nineteen.  Nothing big deal, just grabbed some food and caught up on things.  Once again, she was just as mature if not more so than some of the other girls I’ve gone out with.  And she earned major points when I learned that she doesn’t want kids or pets either.  However, neither of us is really looking for anything serious right now.  Nor do I think either of us feels any real attraction.  But we may still see each other occasionally, as friends.

***

My FWB profile experiment on OKC isn’t really going anywhere these days, but nor have I been putting much time or effort into it.  Several girls have messaged me, mostly of the “is this for real?” and “how come you’re still a virgin?” variety.  Curious passersby. There was one girl I was talking to who seemed to have potential, but she disappeared once I suggested meeting.

Some of you have wondered why I didn’t include face pics on my profile.  I wrote that I would send face pics to anyone who asked for them, and I obliged a couple of girls who did.  But I’m hesitant to put my face on my profile; that may come back to bite me should I later want to go back to looking for a relationship.  There’s also the possibility that someone I know  will stumble across it. I’ve also mentioned that I’m a virgin, because I figured if I’m going to try the FWB route then they should know what they’re getting into.  Yea or Nay on this last part?

The other reason for not including my face is that I’ve actually been using my FWB profile in an attempt to start conversations with girls I’ve messaged before… or even girls I’ve gone on dates with before.  I wanted to see how they would respond to a “different” person.  Maybe I’d learn more about them and some light would be shed on why things didn’t work out.

Only one responded.  The Jokester. She had updated her profile to include a bit about she’s looking for someone to potentially hook up with.  Oh?  She didn’t seem like the type, and I messaged her and told her so.  Her response was:

“Normally I’m not into hooking up, I’ll admit that. Honestly, I want a relationship; I want someone to care for me the way I will care for them, but at the same time, I know I’m better off alone. I won’t lose being my own person in the “we”, and I won’t break anyones heart, or my own. So I actually have been hooking up with someone who is literally moving to the other side of the country in a few months, and I can do what I was meant to do, be a charismatic person on their way to the top. Of the corporate ladder that is…”

Well, this shed an interesting light on things indeed.   I strongly suspect she was already hooking up with said guy at the time we went on our date.  We continued messaging for two weeks, but then the conversation ended and she took her profile down.  Methinks she’s decided to forget OKC and focus on her hookup buddy.  Just a theory.

Meanwhile, there have been a couple of other girls I’ve been wondering about.  Marine Girl, who canceled last minute with the promise of rescheduling, only to never get back to me.  And Bella Dancer, who said she wanted to go on a second date but completely blew me off and ignored me instead.  But instead of messaging them from my FWB profile, I decided to make a completely new profile, just like my old one but with different pictures.  I used that profile to send them both messages that boiled down to: “Hey… so whatever happened?”

Both girls viewed my profile, so I know they got my messages.  However, only Marine Girl responded, and she did so with a lengthy explanation and an apology.  She was talking to another guy at the same time she was talking to me, but he asked her out first and she felt even more of a spark with him than with me.  So she said she panicked and canceled our date.  “I fucked up,” she wrote. “I plain and simple handled the situation poorly. I am usually a very honest and straightforward person – which you have every right not to believe at this point, but for some reason I guess I just figured it would naturally dissolve and I wouldn’t have to address it any further.”

I was very appreciative of her honesty, and it was quite refreshing after all the other girls I’ve dealt with up to this point.  Within two messages we were literally writing each other essays – just like we had been doing the first time we talked on the site.  We fell back into our old rhythm with such ease that I said to her, “You wouldn’t still be interested in meeting… would you?  I feel like there might still be something here worth investigating.” She was hesitant to agree to a date, since she didn’t know if she’d be able to meet without much expectation after all of this.  I assured her that we would be fine, because I was fairly confident that we would be.

And we were.  We went out for drinks Friday night, and I thought things were going great.  She was all smiles and laughter and playing with her hair while she was talking to me, but when I told her I wanted to see her again, her verdict was “just friends.”  Surprising.  Disappointing. But okay, I can live with that.  She was just as witty and charming as I expected she’d be, and I would love to have her on board as a friend.

However, that was not meant to be either.  A day after our date, the word came down the pike:  “Upon further reflection I don’t think I’d be comfortable pursuing a friendship. We lead very different kinds of lives and I just don’t feel a common ground that could branch into a friendship.  All the best.”

Wow.  That stung a little.  The tone of her message suggested I did something off-putting, but goddamned if I can figure out what that might be.

JBlondie was shocked when I shared this with her.  I’d shown her Marine Girl’s profile and she was like, “She’s perfect for you!”  I’d thought so too.  But apparently not.

Once I landed my first OKC date, it was like I broke the wall and other first dates came easily after that.  But now I’m up against another wall and I’m wondering whether it’s my virginity that’s somehow holding me back?  Maybe if I wasn’t a virgin, things would have ended differently with some of the girls I went on dates with.  Maybe I would have been bolder, more aggressive, more relaxed… something. I don’t know.  Even when it comes to finding a FWB, maybe it would be better to not be a virgin first?

If I really wanted to, I suppose I could completely lose my standards and just “get it over with.”  Not that I’m seriously considering it, but I’m curious as to your thoughts nonetheless.  What do you think about losing your virginity just to lose it?

First dates:  22
Second dates:  3
Third dates:  2
Cancellations:  3
Stood up:  2
First kisses: 1
Sexual experiences:  0.6

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34 thoughts on “Currents

  1. You’ve waited this long…why just “get it over with?” Being a virgin isn’t who or what you are. It’s just an interesting fact about you. Btw…loved the shout-out! Holla!

    • A guy losing his virginity in less than honorable circumstances won’t do him one bit of good toward ending the loneliness he feels and the strong desire for loving relationship.

      Sure, he may get some temporary pleasure, but trust me, it will end very quickly and he will ask himself, “That’s all there was??”

      Sex and romance are separate things.
      What he really wants is a committed relationship from a woman who loves him.

  2. One thing you might want to do is be more honest with yourself and these girls. Next time there’s a girl you want to be more than friends with, ask yourself honestly, “Do I?”

    Taking control of what you want and rejecting what you don’t want is honest confidence. That’s what will make you grow. I can’t think of someone better suited for a fwb than a person who has command of their life. I can’t imagine a person who doesn’t could thrive in one.

    Next time, tell the girl, no, being just friends won’t work. You want more than that. It may seem like a game, but its not. You’re taking care of yourself, and that is way more attractive than letting someone treat you that way.

    The more you push out what you don’t want, the more time you’ll have for what you do.

    I personally don’t have all the time for a deep, dedicated relationship. So, I don’t spend time going for needy women. I want an independent woman, who wants some time, and has her own things.

    • That’s a good point. And that actually sounds like where Marine Girl’s head is at right now – taking control of what she wants and rejecting what she doesn’t. Hence the “I’m not comfortable being friends.” Perhaps I should take a page out of her book.

  3. After growing up with some serious Catholic guilt regarding sex and making it through college as a virgin, despite having had three serious 2+ year relationships at that point, losing my virginity in my early 20s was completely anti-climatic.

    I was fortunate to have been with an experienced partner who was also a serious boyfriend who was willing to be patient, and I’m glad for that.

    But, at the same time, I think losing your virginity is a concept that’s way over-hyped. I would recommend having your first time with someone you like (a romantic partner) or trust (like a good friend)- to give it a positive connotation, but I honestly don’t think it’s a big deal regardless. I think it basically comes down to, do you want to have sex or not? If so, then do it!

      • Just think of how, if the Gods/God didn’t want you to feel pleasure during sex or masturbation…you wouldn’t. Of course, this is easy for me to say since I believe in evolution and think the Lord and Lady simply gave the spark of life to the primordial ooze then let it naturally progress from there. Abiogenesis, I think it’s called.

  4. Naw, I think you”re just fine. There’s no rush. Be a self-hating,
    self loathing POS like yours truly. Enjoy the wonderful life of
    a 56 year old male virgin! Leave this mortal coil the same way you
    came in.
    It’s a lot of fun spinning the bullet chamber of a gun, not knowing
    when “relief” will occur. To quote a famous title from a film:
    “It’s A Wonderful Life!”

  5. I don’t like adding people to my friend list that I even considered dating. It’s awkward to me. It’s always looming in the back of your brain and I don’t like muddled thoughts.

    Losing my virginity was the least exciting moment of my life, and the 2 that I was given by other people were just a step above that. But then again, I’m not the intimate sex type. I don’t want to say “I love you” or cuddle after. So although I’d say get it over with, maybe I’m not the best to comment on this topic.

    Longest comment by me ever. You’re welcome.

  6. I lost my v card on the brink of turning 18 “just to get it over with”. I was like “fuck it, everyone’s done it so whatever”. And I’ve regretted it ever since – would have been better to at least fumble with someone who actually knew me!

  7. UVM, I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 27 – and it was a drunken, unprotected, ONS with a guy who was as uninterested in me as I was in him. Do you know what I remember thinking while he was f*cking me? I was thinking “Well, that’s it. I’m a grownup now. I can cross that off the list.” That’s not what you should be thinking while being so intimate with someone for the first time – on one hand, losing the v-card is no real biggie physically, but on the other hand it’s probably the first time you will have been so very close (physically) to another person, and have the experience of cumming inside them (even with a condom) for the first time. Don’t waste that on someone you organised to meet up with just to bone them. You don’t have to save it for marriage either, and certainly you should feel free to bone as many ladies as you want as long as it’s mutually consentual. But your first time? From experience, I’d recommend at least holding on for someone you might have met more than a couple of times, and feel that she ‘likes’ you – not someone who just finds you physically attractive enough to let you put on a love glove and hump until you’re done. That’s just my experience, I daresay others will disagree, as is their right.

  8. Dude, stop being such a loser and troll of your own life. Dating and women don’t begin and end on fucking OKCupid. Delete your bloody profile, put a website blocker on dating websites and go out into the big wide world like a big grown up boy and meet women. How anyone can keep doing the same thing over and over and keep messing up on online dating and take it personally instead of trying to get better with women in general in REAL LIFE where REAL LIFE happens is beyond me.

    I wouldn’t say you’re hopeless, but you’re doing a good job of making YOURSELF hopeless. Never before have I heard of a man so willing to shoot himself in the foot. You might as well open a firing range on your toes at this point.

    • Speaking of trolls… *ahem* welcome back! I’ve been wondering where you’ve been as of late, because it’s been a bit dull around here without you. Normally I wouldn’t pay much heed, but since I’m in a jolly good mood today I’ll actually humor you for a change!

      Dating and women don’t begin and end on fucking OKCupid.

      No kidding. I don’t recall ever saying that, either.

      go out into the big wide world like a big grown up boy and meet women

      Who says I haven’t been?

      instead of trying to get better with women in general in REAL LIFE where REAL LIFE happens

      Once again, who says I haven’t been trying to get better with women in general in “REAL LIFE?” Funny, though – all these dates I’ve gone on via online dating took place in “real life,” but perhaps that’s a different place than the one you’re referring to. But as we all know, women in “real life” are a different species than those you meet in “real life” from a dating site.

      You might as well open a firing range on your toes at this point.

      I don’t know about that, as I’m not really a fan of guns, mostly because of the noise they make. My ears are a wee bit sensitive. Besides, there are many risks with having so many guns on your person. You might accidentally discharge one indoors, and then you have to do all sorts of drywall and upholstery work, and ain’t nobody got time for that.

  9. The 19 year old was more mature, but you didn’t have much spark with her. Also, women like Shorty are emotionally unstable and will project a lot of their issues on to you. Steer clear from women like that. Women going through their bad boy phases won’t stop falling for bad boys until they feel tired of the mistreatment the bad boys inflict upon them, and once they try to attract you once their phase is over, they may or may not fall of you just because you are available, caution. It’s probably best to fall for a woman who has very little baggage, as not many women have a clean slate, or a woman who is very successful as far as a career and makes level headed, logical choices. Sorry I sound cynical, but I am just saying based upon what I have observed in life. Perhaps find someone non religious who may or may not be a virgin, but is definitely tolerant of virgin adult males, is very mature, and level headed. If she seems like a great person, ask her, when appropriate if she would like to be a FwB.

  10. No harm with mentioning you’re a virgin on your FWB profile. Agreed with Jblondie – you’ve waited this long… I wouldn’t just lose it for the sake of losing it. The right girl will come along soon enough!

  11. Just to add some balance – I lost my virginity aged 27 to a woman with whom I had gone on about 5-6 dates. We were both physically and emotionally attracted to each other and had kissed each other before that.

    Unlike some other posters, the experience was very enjoyable and psychologically significant for me. I’ll skimp on the exact details, but I made a few ‘mistakes’ – I put the condom on inside out and I ‘came’ really early, but we both enjoyed the cunnilingus bit. I admitted afterward that it was my first time. She was surprised but felt ‘special’ to be the person who took my virginity. We had intercourse the very next morning, where she guided me on what she liked etc.

    The feeling of intimate, physical contact with another sentient being was profound. The penetrative bit was nice, but I actually preferred the post-coital hugging – one of the best feelings I’ve ever had. As some other posters insinuate, this is probably more likely to be achieved with someone who is interested in you both physically and emotionally. So, if that’s what you want, then hold out for someone worthwhile. That said, there is nothing wrong with losing your V-card just the sake of it. Losing my V-card lifted a massive, wounding and commonly stigmatised burden off my shoulders.

      • A good question – alas, with no simple answer. I haven’t had sexual intercourse since that brief relationship (over a year and half ago). And having sex isn’t some magic bullet for all the other psychological insecurities I have. To an extent, the part of me that berated myself for being an adult virgin latched on to other things.

        But, when friends in the pub, people in the media, films etc. all talked about sex, I finally felt like I was in with the crowd. I was no longer some awkward outsider.

        Also, yes, I did feel a lot more confident (or at least, less ashamed) around women. That feeling of control, that I could and have successfully attracted and slept with a female, is quite comforting.

        Finally (and perhaps obviously) when I was having regular sex, I had better stuff to worry about (career, hobbies, world peace etc.). In the same way a hungry man becomes preoccupied with food, a sex-starved man will naturally think that sex is the most important thing in the world.

        My advice: the next time a woman shows the remotest interest in you and you manage to get to the making-out stage, try to progress to sex (only if she is willing too obviously), even if you see no relationship potential.

  12. Hey UV. That post you did about me got a good number of click backs…mostly to my post about how women can pay for dates too. Probably about 60+ altogether. I’m curious about how many clicks you got from my place to here. Hopefully a nice amount of traffic. 🙂

    In regards to losing your virginity just to lose it…hmm. It is a really tough question. On one hand, I can say that having an honest to goodness real connection with someone you’re having sex with is amazing. Take it from me, being used is not anything I’d wish on anyone else (my own experience with this is admittedly extreme though).

    On the other hand, if you feel like your virginity is holding you back…it might be. *You* know your mind and body better than anyone. Only you would know if it’s time to share yourself with another person. I would recommend finding a professional though, which in our country almost necessarily means saving up for a trip to Nevada. There’s a good number of legal sex workers since prostitution is allowed, but I’d say research a reputable cathouse like The Bunny Ranch. They have a nice website where you can browse through the ladies to find someone you find attractive, see what sexual options that particular woman will do (they are independent contractors, and different women do different things), and ask for a price quote ahead of time. It’s actually very legitimate and done in such ways to protect the workers as well as their clients.

    My 2 cents, anyway.

    • Yeah…no. I’m not going to go the prostitution route. Aside from the ick factor, to me that’s a level of desperation I’m not ready to sink to, and certainly not how I want to remember my first time. Nor do I think it’s worth spending that amount of money just for a one-time thing. Ask me again when I’m 40 or 50. If I’m still in the same boat by then ::shudder:: Then I might be singing a different tune.

  13. Interesting, whenever I try to say something along the lines of “Well, but we can be friends” to a guy I met via Online Dating, I will get an answer along the lines of “Why would I want to be your friend? We met in a dating app, I am there to date, not to make friends”. – No joke. Not to trying to defend these women 😉 But that’s my experience so far.

    I am sorry that your dates have been crappy. I hope this changes soon.

    • Well I certainly don’t begrudge making a new friend or two if the romantic aspect isn’t there. I really wouldn’t have minded having a couple of these girls on board as friends. But upon reflection, perhaps I shouldn’t even entertain the idea in the future.

  14. Personally, I wouldn’t advertise your virginity on the FWB profile, just because it could scare off girls before they even get to know you. A lot of people take virginity seriously. Maybe wait until you find somebody you have a connection with, and tell them when shit’s getting serious? And I reeeallllly don’t think you should bang somebody just to get it over with, where’s the fun/excitement/pleasure in that? But that’s just my opinion, no judgement, to each their own! I’m happy I found your blog, and looking forward to following your dating journey. Good luck!

  15. I just stumbled across your blog but I just wanted to say that you shouldn’t be ashamed of your situation. I would also recommend waiting until you find someone who you have a genuine connection with, not just someone to get it over with. Let’s just say I’m a 31 yo female in your same situation. I didn’t even go on my first date until I was almost through college. Even though I could care less about peer pressure I spent a lot of my 20s hiding and being a bit embarrassed about being shy and my situation. Trust me you are making this way too much of a big deal. I would not advertise it on your profiles and wouldn’t even talk about it until you get serious with someone but you shouldn’t be ashamed of it either. The right girl will like you for who you are and won’t care. Also I don’t see anything wrong with online dating as long as you are selective and as long as it isn’t the only way you are meeting women. I think you just need to figure out who you are, what you want, then not be afraid to reach out and get to know people.

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