Tarnished

For the longest time I’ve been seeking a serious, long-term relationship, convinced that’s what I really want.  But the more I think about it, the more I’m not sure.  I’ve grown so accustomed to being single and I relish my freedom and independence.  Not to mention that I’m so busy with work and extra-curricular activities that a relationship would just suck up my remaining time.  So while I don’t really want someone to share my life with just yet, it might be nice to have someone to occasionally do fun things with.  And stick my penis into.

In other words, I’ve decided I’m looking for a friend with benefits.  At least I think that’s what I want right now.

Friends With Benefits: Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake

Certainly I’d consider more for the right person, but considering my situation this seems like a good starting point.  In any case it’s a possibility I’d like to investigate.

These feelings began their distant rumblings several months ago, intensifying when I came across this post by fellow blogger Tarnished Sophia.  She has a long-term monogamous FWB, and the more I read about their relationship, the more such an arrangement attracted me.  What’s more, she was considering finding a second FWB.

Her lover is the only person she’s ever had sex with.  Tarnished has a history of abuse at the hands of her stepfather, so many walls needed to come down first.  And after eight years together, her lover thought she was finally ready to take on a second partner.  While they’d always been monogamous, they have an open relationship.  He was going to be out of the picture for a while, and thought it would be a good idea for her to have someone on hand to help feed her insatiable appetite.

This is where I entered the picture.  I half-jokingly left a comment that I might be able to help her out if she were truly looking for “male or female disease-free virgins that don’t want children, marriage, commitment, or to live together…”  We exchanged emails for a few weeks, talked on the phone a couple of times, and finally set a date.  Even if we didn’t hit it off, she said she could still give me a blowjob so I’d have at least that much experience.  That sounded good to me, especially if she was as good at it as she said she was.

And shit – a girl that gives blowjobs?  Guys around me always talked about girls who gave blowjobs as if they were unicorns… always heard about them, but who ever really met one?  On the rare occasion I’d meet a guy bragging about getting a BJ, I’d chalk it up to typical locker room bullshitting, and I’d scoff and go, “oh yeah, I bet she let you put it in her ass too!”  It wasn’t until I started reading girls’ blogs did I discover that not only did they give blowjobs, but some of them even enjoyed doing it!  I was completely and utterly shocked.  Even now it’s still hard to swallow.  No pun.

It had always been one of my biggest fantasies, but I’d long ago given up hope of it ever happening to me.  To me, blowjobs only existed in porn and “real” girls didn’t do that.  I suggested it to my ex once, and she was horrified.  “No way, you pee out of there!” she screeched.   I’ve seen plenty of girls go as far as to put disclaimers on their OKC profiles or match answers such as:  “I will never do it.  EVER. So don’t even ask” or “maybe I’d give you a BJ if I was still in high school, but I’ve grown up and so should you, I’m more mature  now” or even “asking me to do it is a dealbreaker.”  Even articles like this one showcase what I’ve always understood to be the typical female attitude towards oral sex; the norm rather than the exception.

The day came and Tarnished and I finally met.  I was quite pleased with her appearance.  Assets like whoa.  I went in for a handshake but she went in for a hug instead, which surprised me considering how touch-averse she is with strangers.  She was also a lot more bubbly and talkative than I was expecting. We spent an hour eating a late breakfast at the diner (her treat) and then walked around town for a while.

“So what do you want to do now?” she finally asked.  I chuckled to myself.  Oh, you know what I want to do now… I felt like saying.

“I don’t know, that’s as far as I’ve planned,” I responded.  She laughed.  Then she informed me that she only had a little while left before she had to meet up with her family.  Oh.  We hadn’t set plans apart from what we’d already done, but I’d assumed I was going to have her to myself for the whole day.  My hopes crumbled under me as I looked at my watch and realized there wasn’t really enough time left for sex, especially since we still had yet to address that particular elephant and I didn’t want to do things in a rush.  It seemed apparent that this was just going to be the initial “interview” rather than a sex date. So I devoted our remaining time to talking about sex.  We drove to the outskirts of town to walk along a popular hiking trail, and it was here that I finally broached the subject (once the coast was clear of children or anybody else – we kept looking over our shoulders to make sure).

“So… I was wondering if you’ve decided whether to take me on as a partner?”  Tarnished hemmed and hawed, and started saying things like, “I’m probably not what you’re looking for,” and “I don’t think I could give you what you want”  Finally I sussed out the reason for her hesitation, and it turned out she was not really on board with the idea of taking on a second FWB.  It was more something that her lover wanted her to do, rather than something she wanted to do.

That settled it for me.  I wasn’t going to have her do anything she didn’t really want to do.  Had she taken my hand with a sly smile and said “are we going to do this or what?” or “let’s get out of here,” I would have been all-in.  I need to feel desired. But she’s also demisexual, so in any case she’s not attracted to me the way she’d need to be in order for us to do anything sexual past a one-time encounter.  She said she could still give me a blowjob if I wanted one, and that it would be really good, but I turned her down.  Yes, I turned down a blowjob, heavily aware that another opportunity may never arise.  No pun.  But I could tell she wasn’t keen on that idea either.  (She later told me that my declination was both a major relief and a huge letdown – she’d spent a lot of time pumping herself up mentally to do it.)

To be perfectly honest, at the time I wasn’t 100 percent sure about entering a FWB relationship but was willing to explore the possibility, but I knew that I wanted my first time to be with someone I felt comfortable with and trusted completely.  Tarnished fit the bill.  She’s amazingly caring and accepting and non-judgmental, and her lover is incredibly lucky to have someone like her in his life.  However, we were just not meant to be.  But I was grateful for the chance to meet her and we still had a fun time together.  And she considers our meeting a date so I will update the counter accordingly.

Anyhoo.  Nowadays I’m finally 100 percent on board with the FWB idea.  The question is… how do I go about finding one?  I’d appreciate any advice on this topic.  I’ve taken one of the most obvious steps already: after I disabled my regular OKC profile, I created another one (sans head shots) solely for the purpose of finding a FWB/casual sex partner.  At first I received messages from a handful of well-wishers and curious onlookers, but then I received messages from a couple of girls that were potentially interested.  One of them was into some really kinky shit, though.  At one point during our conversation she told me she was into “rape play, being pinned down by sheer force and human strength, choking, hair pulling, spanking, lots of biting, a decent amount of impact play, cock and ball torture, trampling, humiliation/degradation, cruel methods of torture for my own amusement, leaving marks, whipping/spanking/paddling… and that’s not even getting into the heavier stuff I like lol.”

Wow.  Okay.  Going to stay away from her.  However, I do have another potential FWB that I’m talking to, and between my profile and my messages I’ve been completely honest about what I’m looking for and about what I’m looking for.  And she’s still talking to me, so that’s an encouraging sign.  I’m angling to move this conversation offline now.

***

In other news, I have one last update on Shorty.  She would not stop bitching at me, so I finally I composed a lengthy message telling her to get fucked.  Those weren’t the words I used – in fact, in contrast to the way she’d been talking to me lately, I used no swear words at all – but that was the jist of it.  I detailed exactly what my problems with her were, concluding my essay with “if this is how you act towards people, then maybe that’s why you’re having such a miserable time on the dating scene.  Just a thought.  So goodbye and good luck to you.”

Within the next hour I received seven missed calls, four voicemails, and two texts.  I deleted them all without looking or listening.  And that was that.  All has been silent ever since, and what a goddamned relief that is…

First dates:  21
Second dates:  2
Third dates:  2
Cancellations:  3
Stood up:  2
First kisses: 1
Sexual experiences:  0.6

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78 Comments

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78 responses to “Tarnished

  1. beautifulmess7

    The first potential FwB on OKCupid sounded like fun until cock and ball torture. Almost everything after that is too far even for me, and I’m pretty kinky.

    Congrats on figuring out a little more about what you want. There’s nothing wrong with not being ready to settle down forever, especially when you have other things keeping you occupied. Not to mention that you don’t really want to get married to the first person you sleep with. The odds of that person being the best match for you aren’t very high. And good for you for reading Sophia’s signals and being a really decent person.

    I know it is disappointing, but trust me, women who like giving blowjobs are not that rare. Personally, it’s one of my favorite sexual activities. That article you linked to is total sexist bullshit. A man’s cock is the most fascinating, sexy thing in the world, and bringing my partner sexual gratification is the biggest turn-on ever. Plus, the stark contrast between the submission of serving him with the incredible power of being in charge of his pleasure and in control of his orgasm is an amazing combination unlike anything else.

    • Well as far as that article goes, I was just trying to find an example of what I was talking about, and Google quickly provided.

    • blurkel

      Based on my experiences, I have to express doubt about your assertion that BJ-willing women aren’t rare. I also can’t testify that women care enough about my sexual satisfaction as they do their own – and I work at meeting their pleasure expectations. I wish I could support your assertions. I’m enviously glad that some lucky man enjoys your attentions.

      • beautifulmess7

        I can only speak for myself and the women I know. None of the women that I’m friends with or have talked to online have any problem giving blowjobs. They may not all be as completely in love with giving head as I am, but none of them are grossed out.

  2. Lon Spector

    I have to believe you’re getting something on “the side.”
    Otherwise, your blog should be titled: “Better Living Through Torture.”
    BTW, I CAN SEE why feminiasts gripe. Nobody loves them, for them.

  3. Thanks for such a glowing review, UV. 😉

    For what it’s worth, if it’s worth anything at all, I am *incredibly* sorry things didn’t work out between us. I always knew I was demisexual (once I knew what the term for it was and I started seriously considering having other partners). I can be physically attracted to, and even aroused by photos/videos/seeing attractive men or women and it’s fun to fantasize about having sex with them. My FwB loves it when I talk about having threesomes…always him + another guy or gal…but when I actually think about doing the deed irl? It’s like a switch turns off.

    And yeah, because of this it was a huge relief. But also a huge letdown because I’d spent the previous 2 weeks coaching myself. Kinda funny, really. I would think to myself:
    “Okay, it’s cool. You know how to suck cock…you know you’re excellent at it. Yeah, you rule at giving head. Nothing can go wrong. It’s fine, other people give them out spur-of-the-moment all the frickin time. Damn it, brain, stop thinking about our lover, you can DO this!”

    Lol, like I said. Funny. Even when my FwB is nearly begging me to have another relationship because he feels guilty about not being around…I can’t do it. Guess I’m just a one-partner-at-a-time person.

    Oh, and beautifulmess is 100% correct, that article you linked to is an absolute piece of misandric crap. I enjoy looking at male and female genitals (hell, I watch porn nearly every day to combat my urges) and so long as they’re *healthy* naughty bits, they are all very awesome and sexy. Gonna also echo her sentiment about the rush of power one gets from giving oral sex…I don’t feel the “submission” aspect of it like she does, and neither does my lover when he’s going down on me…but the power? Hell, yes.

  4. Reblogged this on Tarnished Sophia and commented:
    Unfortunate Virgin, and his post about our date a few months ago. If you aren’t following him already, you honestly should.

  5. So interesting! Tarnished seems to have an exclusive relationship, not a FWB so I’m curious as to why she calls it that. I’ll have to dive deeper into her blog. I think this avenue will be great for you considering you want to avoid all other women like Shorty. Good luck Friend 😀

    • I call it a FwB relationship because that’s what it is. 🙂

      As I explained to someone else recently, the fact that my demisexuality makes me exclusive, and his busy schedule + finding complete sexual satisfaction in me has made him exclusive for our time together doesn’t mean the relationship is an exclusive one. I wouldn’t mind one bit if he told me he had found an additional partner, so long as she were disease free. It also explains why he actively suggested I look for another FwB…I don’t have any claim to him, he doesn’t have any claim to me.

      We are simply good friends who have sex whenever it’s possible for both of us. Neither of us want marriage, or higher commitment, or to be boyfriend/girlfriend. Hope this clears things up!

  6. eoylus

    Shorty is really insane. I am sorry Tarnished and you didn’t work out. I guess be very specific and direct in stating that you are looking for a FwB on Ok Cupid. The person who you are talking to on OkC seems very promising. BDSM style stuff freak me out, and I find it barbaric, objectifying and degrading. I think many people who go for extreme BDSM are generally very messed up in the head imho.

  7. I was highly amused by your article – I mean amused in the kindest of ways. I’m sitting here still chuckling about it.

    Re the blowjob: “She later told me that my declination was both a major relief and a huge letdown – she’d spent a lot of time pumping herself up mentally to do it”.

    Honestly, that is so absolutely typical of the said Tarnished that I can hardly type I’m laughing so much! It’s her kind heart, you see. She would do anything for a fellow traveler (as long as he is sincere and clean). She truly is a unicorn, as my mate Spawny would say. Her first reaction when she sees you is to give you a hug. Again, absolutely typical! Her heart is so big she wants to extend it to all the fauna on this planet (even blue lobsters).

    If that had been my date with Tarn, I have no doubt that both of us would have spent our time together in uproarious uncontrollable laughter leaving us with scarcely enough breath to crawl home.

    • I was also amazed at how unfailingly courteous and polite she was to those around us, even just in the way she held doors open for everyone. I, on the other hand, typically speed up or slow down my steps when approaching doors so I won’t have to hold them for anyone and so nobody will have to hold them for me.

      Blue lobsters?

  8. She had a blue lobster that used to stick its head out of the water to be scratched. I pulled her leg about it at the time, but I do happen to know it to be true. As a diver, I’ve had a lot to do with crustaceans. We can “hypnotize” them by standing them on their heads and rubbing the ends of their tails. They go into a trance. Sometimes they are the other way around, like tarn’s.

  9. A Gecko befriended me and I boasted to tarn how it would sit under my computer desk so I’d scratch it under the chin with my toe. It was tongue in cheek on my part. It’s quite well known Down Under that you can put a lizard into a trance by doing this.

  10. Good post. Curious why you would remove head shots from your OKC profile for meeting potential FWB. I mean, should friends and potential lovers not know what you look like? Perhaps you should further think on whether you want FWB or just casual sex because the two are not synonymous. Being open to casual as well as long-term seems pretty common and certainly not anything to hide your face over.

  11. vixenincognola

    I have to say, I’m all about realizations and self exploration but I’m a little “eh” on your post.

      • vixenincognola

        I’m not sure, I guess because I don’t believe you can just post your wants and people show up to fill them.
        I guess I’m more of the believer of having to meet and interact with a lot of people and each experience gets you closer to your “star” or golden egg or whatever you want to call it.
        But maybe I’m being cynical and that’s not the way to be either.
        Who knows, your talking to a gal who gets hives when a guy asks me to leave a toothbrush or some clothes at his place.

  12. Well if you want casual sex, blowjobs galore, I know the place for it. I could give you a link that tells you where it is and why, but bear in mind that it’s an article written by a MGHOW.

  13. eoylus

    It means Man Goes His Own Way. A MGHOW is a man who generally says “fuck it, I am not dating anyone but myself.” It is usually a guy who faced so much hardship in relationship stuff that he basically decides to date himself.

  14. There’s something I need to make clear about my first comment, because it could *possibly* be taken the wrong way. When I said “She would do anything for a fellow traveler” I meant “a person in need” as you would have appeared to be. She would NOT splash herself around and I’m appalled to think I could have been interpreted that way. It’s perfectly obvious that this was a first time for her, and it can’t have been easy. But the effort she put into it, “the time pumping herself up” really is typical of the kind hearted Tarnished the men and women at tarnishedsophia have come to love so well. She would do her utmost to help.

    Tarn would go around this Earth collecting orphaned fish and giving them a home, if she could.

    And talking about something being “absolutely typical”, it’s absolutely typical of me that I find myself having to explain a comment that I should have approached with more care.

    • I didn’t see anything wrong with your comment, Cill. Did I miss something elsewhere, or did another commenter insinuate that I was “easy”?

      If so, you should let them know the only thing easy about me is my willingness to care for others and make them feel comfortable.

      Oh, crap…I’m a kindness slut! 😉

  15. wallflowerlove

    I’d be down if you want to travel to Canada 😉

  16. Lon Spector

    Please Google the song: “Tempted By The Fruit Of Another,” to
    find out how all this trash started,

  17. “I’d be down if you want to travel to Canada”
    Hahahaha!
    You sort of give each other a nod and a wink at the border?

  18. blurkel

    @UV

    Finding anyone is essentially the same process. You have to meet, display interest, reveal something about yourself (especially the desire that your relationship be FwB) and see how it works out.

    I recently stumbled into a possible FwB (not that I was looking!), but I stopped pursuing it when it was clear to me (if not her) that she would be so guilty about it that I couldn’t go there with her. The point to this comment is that you have to watch her behavior more than her words, for like you she doesn’t necessarily know what she’s getting into, and just might say anything in the heat of the moment. Best to respond to unambiguous discussion rather than act upon what you think is acceptance – the basic description of your interaction with Tarnished.

  19. Tyler L

    I found this through a google search. I’m not sure of your progress since..

    I will say though (From a male perspective) you made several mistakes:

    -You kind of took away her agency of thinking/decision making. It seemed like you wanted to her to give you a BJ, but stopped it because you had concern for how she would feel after. And that goes for any situation across the broad.. Assuming you want to have sex with that person and he or she agree.. then you’re like “mm no, I don’t want you to feel like I’m using you..” you’ve made a decision for them. No surprise they’ll properly react less then stellar to it.

    -You also went into your first meeting with her with some expectations, and seemed like they were unannounced expectations. I’ve just noticed with girls in general, they tend to make plans afterwords (even, as i’ve found out, if they’re total BS) I think it’s just kind of a safety thing. Till you are monogamous with one another, don’t expect to be a strong force in her universe. And a guy should not either til then. This mistake is what we tend to over obsess over it.

    -It also seems like you are kind of wearing your V-card on your sleeve. I was a late v-carder myself (26), you dont have to lie about being a virgin, just shut up about it. Some of these late vcard holders let it get the point where they might as well say (when first meeting a girl): “Just so you know, I’m a virgin.” Unless you give otherwise, she won’t know that you are one. Generally speaking, if you come off as well adjusted, it is assumed (guy or girl) that you’ve been in a relationship, had sex, dated a few a so on.

    -It also seems like you are uneasy unless you have control over the situation. if that is the case, you can’t.. You can’t control what a girl is going to say or do. Allot of inexperienced guys really blow it because they wont get their feet wet if it is out of their control–and that is why they are aging virgins/no girlfriend ever,, they’re wanting something that they will never truly have.

    I know these things because I’ve made them all myself.

    I don’t like sites like okcupid because you get allot of odd balls there. By the way, that is not true about most woman hate blowjobs. In the sense of, if she likes and has affection for a guy on a sexual level-Most don’t mind giving him oral pleasure. Sure, some do not like it. But surveyed high percentage said that they do not mind the act. It is more of pleasing their partner–not a “I’m craving dick!, any dick!!” and it seems like you’ve come across some females on there that have men problems. A significant amount of those dating sites are filled with guys and girls who don’t know what the hell they want.

    Have you tried just meeting new girls through social circles? pursue woman who are open to sex outside of committed monogamy. Girls who tend to party allot or the indie style ones are often more open to that, Mind you, most will carry themselves modestly up front, but open up if they like and want to become better friends.. And a girl is likely not just going to give you sex,, you as a man need to in a flirtatiously lead the advancement–set up the opportunity for sex to happen. It is usually of Showing not Telling directly that you want to have sex (in person) that makes it happen. A FWB relationship can take some weeks to develop.

    Above all, don’t seek out a FWB with a “I’m a virgin, want to be FWBs?” approach, from a girl pov, she’ll properly see that as “can you teach me what to do? then once I’ve had my fill, just vanish into the abyss?” even in those style of relationships (that do exist,, more of a “sex just happens between us sometimes”) the woman wants to be respected and feel valued and loved,, not that you are in love with each other (necessarily) but it is love between you two.

    Good luck, man. Sex is within reach for you, you gotta keep going, you will get more No s then Yes s, but once you get that one Yes and actually allow it to happen, you’ll forget all the rest.

    • I’m not sure where you’re getting some of this from…

      I took away her agency of thinking/decision making? Huh? She was clearly hesitant and did not want to do it, and confirmed that afterwards. What was I supposed to do? Have her do something she didn’t really want to do? Certainly not how I want my first sexual experience to go. And at no point did she react “less than stellar” to that either.

      What expectations would you say I went into this meeting with? Apart from the possibility of getting a blow job, the only other thing on my mind was, “I wonder whether she’ll want to take me on as a second FWB?”

      I’m also not sure what makes you say I’m uneasy unless I have control over the situation? Nor am I sure what gives you the impression that I wear my V-card on my sleeve? I talk about in my blog, that’s it. I don’t talk about it on my profile, in my messages, and certainly not on dates. I think I only ever told one girl, and that was basically because I wasn’t that attracted to her and only brought it up just for shits and giggles to see what she would say. Nobody in my family knows, and out of all my friends only one knows. The rest of them don’t know or even suspect.

      I’m involved in all sorts of groups and activities, which I’ve talked about on here in the past, but I simply don’t meet any potentials that way. The girls I meet that way are either not available or not interested. Or both.

      • I’m rather confused by some of Tyler’s assertions too…

        -You didn’t take away my agency, you simply decided that my fencesitting on having some kind of sex with another partner wasn’t what you wanted for your first time. I deferred to you, since it’s *your* first, not mine. I can 100% understand wanting your first to be with someone who is totally into you, rather than just having sex to have sex.

        -Expectations? I thought we had spoken about those before the date…Yup, pretty confident on this fact.
        Re: plans for after the date
        I only have 1 day off a week, and usually try to visit my family on it. Also, not dating for 10+ years, I had no idea how long a typical date should last. Ours was over 5 hours long, whereas I’d been expecting 2-3. Simple miscommunication, that.

        -You certainly don’t wear your virginity on your sleeve. If I didn’t previously know you from here, I wouldn’t have known you were a virgin. Maybe you should get that fixed, UV…a nice tattoo or something. 😉

      • Tyler L

        Well, I certainly misread then. Sorry.

  20. eoylus

    I also get a lot of unrequited love and a lack of attention from women in general. I am super introverted and serious minded. I can flirt very smoothly, but I do not get much attention at all with them reciprocating.

  21. Please only take it at face value when I say that I think you will find yourself getting extremely hurt if you pursue the fwb avenue.
    It almost sounds like you’re talking yourself into it.
    However, as ever, looking forward to seeing how things play out x

  22. Pingback: How I feel about head | boyonthenet

  23. eoylus

    He doesn’t have much of a choice other than the FWB route to be honest. If he wanted to save himself for marriage, I can guarantee it will be a very long time before he finds a wife. Many women want men to be sexually experienced to be honest In fact, some of my Facebook friends are engaged or married and are younger than me, some were pregnant and unmarried at the time. It is very daunting and discouraging to see that people younger than me having such successful sex and romantic lives and I do not. So yes, many women expect men to be sexually experienced, however not all. However, hopefully he can find a FWB that will respect his virginity and will allow him to go at his own pace and teach him the ropes.

    • I can relate to that. It’s definitely discouraging seeing a 14-15 year old boy in the store buying condoms. And what’s even worse is seeing the old man in there buying Viagra.

      And you know what’s even worse than that? Seeing them both leave in the same car.

  24. Tarnished sounds like a cool chick and I am interested to check out her blog. I think you did the right thing turning down the blow-job, sex stuff is best when everyone is all enthusiastically into it.
    Good luck finding your FWB! I don’t think they are always so easy to find but I hope you do.
    I have to say I was surprised by what you said about blow-jobs, I thought most people gave them, at least occasionally! It’s not my favourite thing on the sexual menu, but I don’t mind!

  25. Lon Spector

    Is another name for FWB, “F-ck Buddy?” The “Return Of Kings”
    blog endourses that. We all know what THEY think of women.

    • eoylus

      You sound like an extreme feminist, Lon, to be frank. Lighten up. I think you are forgetting that TUVM is very unlucky at finding dates and human beings have sexual needs that need to be fulfilled. Return of Kings is an extreme MRA. There are examples of mild to moderate feminists and MRAs in the world. Men and women both need to have their sexual desires and needs to be fulfilled. There are some men who treat women like objects, men who hate women, and men who adore women. You are also forgetting that TUVM is very respectful towards the women he dates and treats them decently. Both men and women have been known to seek FWBs to fulfill sexual desires, specifically if they are having difficulty coping with rejection and unresolved past issues. People also seek FWBs to get sexual pleasure and intimacy.

      • And no, the two terms aren’t synonymous.

        A “fuck buddy” or “booty call” is literally just a man or woman you have sex with. You know each other enough that you’re comfortable fulfilling your mutual sexual needs, but that’s it.

        A “FwB” is a Friend with Benefits…emphasis on the friend part. This is someone who (typically) starts off being a normal friend. You hang out together, share meals, go to movies, pick one another up from the airport, help each other move, grab drinks after work, play videogames together, and share hobbies/other interests. You know, just regular friend stuff. However, you both later acknowledge a mutual sexual attraction and so remain friends but now with the additional benefit of having a trustworthy sexual partner.

        This is the relationship type I am in. There is no “just having sex” since you still spend fun times together like you did previously, and it’s great to be with someone who you already know likes you without the lure of sex present.

  26. Lon Spector

    I don’t think the UMV has difficulity obtaining dates. Some have not
    had dates in 10 years or more. Some have NEVER even had a date,
    not to mention the “warm-up activites” the UMV had with his best
    prospect of a few weeks ago.
    The problem with UMV is he wants things “just so.” There is no such
    thing as “just so.” And if there is, it is ALWAYS AFTER the fact it seemed
    that way. Did you ever hear the song “The Way We Were?”
    The 5th house of the Astrological chart, is the “house of pleasure.”
    Contained within that house is sex, creativity, gambling, and children.
    Sex is a physical and emotional “gamble,” which sometimes produces
    children. It seems that none of UMV’s prospects are ever “perfect”
    enough for him. Either their physical or mental imperfections
    prevent UMV from closing the deal. It’d difficult to see how UMV will
    ever close the deal.
    That’s why I reccomend that UMV have his Astrological chart done
    and see what planet he has in his 5th house. At least he will learn
    if he can ever realistically expect to have sex, and decide to take it
    from there.

  27. eoylus

    He has difficulty keeping a steady date, as he dates multiple women at a time. He has also been stood up and had cancellations. For many people, physical attraction is just as important as mental, emotional and personality attraction. He has had a lot of first dates, but not as many 2nd or 3rd dates. He is looking for a woman with an attractive physicality, engaging, friendly personality, is mentally agile, and emotionally stable. I think he is also looking for someone self confident and secure within herself. I think the main reason he seeks a FWB is for sex, intimacy, pleasure, as well as someone who shares hobbies and interests and someone he can hang out with.

    • I wouldn’t really say I’m dating multiple women at a time. To me, that would going on a date with A on Wednesday, seeing B on Friday, seeing A again on Saturday seeing B again on Monday, seeing C on Tuesday, etc…. I haven’t been juggling my prospects like that. Going on multiple first dates? Certainly (unless that’s what you meant…) When it came to girls like Shorty, where I progressed past the first date, I didn’t go out with anyone else in the meantime.

  28. Lon Spector

    It’s quite possible that U.M.V. COULD be as unlucky has he says he is.
    But such lousy luck can only be confirmed though Astrology.
    I’m assuming that U.M.V. is at least “average” looking. Females
    don’t flee in terror from his appearence as they do with some
    unfortunate few. Therefore U.V.M. sufferers from Asperger’s or
    Autism. The entire female gender can’t be at fault. And hasn’t U.V.M.
    gotten offers from the posters here? He could meet them for liazons.
    But NOT “Tarnished!” Never! Never! Never! Tarnished is NOT an
    ordinary woman. She is making a slow and steady progress from
    HORIFFIC abuse. She has been with one consistant partner for 14
    years and seems content with him. Another name for this is
    “Common Law Marriage.” Million’s have such arraingements.
    In Biblical times a clergyman did NOT “marry” a couple. The marriage
    was “consumated” by the act of sex. So “Tarnished” IS married to
    her boyfriend. If Tarnished allows the fact that a couple of evil men
    abused her to make her believe that men are the victims of women,
    it does her no good. She is not at fault. Her abusers are at fault.
    We do not want Tarnished to suffer a setback to her recovery by
    offering herself up for the fly-by-night-pleasures of the “pump & dump”
    crowd. SHE’S HEADED FOR AN EMOTIONAL CLIFF, AND DECENT
    PEOPLE SHOULD CARE ABOUT THAT!

    • Lon,

      1. Yes, UV is a nice looking guy. He’s just unlucky in the dating arena.

      2. I’m not in the medical profession, but I have a good number of customers and acquaintances who are on the autism scale. During the hours I spent with UV, I saw none of the typical traits associated with autism.

      3. My lover and I have been friends for 9 years, FwB for 8. Not 14…I’m 30 and he is 45.

      4. I have not been abused by “many” men, just two: my father and stepfather. Their actions aren’t indicative of all men, just like an abusive mother or stepmother isn’t indicative of all women.

      5. I would never allow myself to become a “pump and dump”. I’ve too much self respect and love for myself to do such a thing. Offering to share intimacy with someone who has never experienced it is not even remotely like being used for sex. Either way, I’m not into casual sex regardless.

      6. Please stop putting me up on a pedestal. I understand that this may be difficult for you to do, but I’m not deserving of praise for being a good person. That should be the minimum requirement for engaging in society, not something to be applauded.

      Thank you.

  29. Hi UV! It is always fun reading your blog. Whenever I feel ho-hum, i go to your page and realize, darn, other people sure have more exciting lives than me 🙂

    Sexual experience 0.6 — well that’s better than 0, yes?

    As to girls and BJs. Darling, we love giving them if:
    1. the guy is neat and showers everyday
    2. he asks very nicely
    3. if he does something really nice (like remember our anniversary without us prompting him) — he doesn’t even have to ask
    4. we’re really horny, because we know that when we go down, he will reciprocate

    So there 😉

  30. eoylus

    Maybe ask Tarnished on a second date. Ask her about tips on sex positions, how to have sex properly, how to stimulate and pleasure all a women’s erogenous zones, since UV knows how to use mammary stimulation and stimulation of the breasts and had partially sexual encounters with women. Maybe Tarnished can give UV a hands on coaching on the different sex positions and how they work. Tarnished did say “Offering to share intimacy with someone who has never experienced it is not even remotely like being used for sex.” So, I think UV needs a break from the hurt he has experienced and needs to experience a healthy intimate encounter with a woman like Tarnished. Maybe Tarn will be willing to have an open relationship with UV and her other partner and take turns as far as intimacy. I don’t know, this is just my best suggestion off the top of my head.

  31. eoylus

    Yes, but I think that you would have far better luck learning from someone like her than to continue getting hurt by women who not only lack in basic communication skills, but good manners. Tarnished also said in http://tarnishedsophia.wordpress.com/2014/02/27/a-question-for-my-more-experienced-readers/ “But he says that he thinks I’m ready to have another FwB, even if it’s just on a temporary basis. I’m still kind of hesitant, but he made the point that I’m getting better at allowing typical touches with strangers/my customers (handshakes, hugs, people standing in my personal space) and that I should probably “graduate” to having sex with other people besides him. A part of me agrees, but another part is wondering just how the hell one does this dating thing.” and “Like I said, if I could find a virgin (no real chance of STDs) who knows what he wants to try and doesn’t mind a non-feminine partner who would (due to her own brokenness) slowly bring him into the world of sexuality…that would be ideal. But what are the odds of that kind of catch *not* confusing sex for love? I’m terrified of ruining someone. :(” and “I was only thinking “virgin” due to the cleanliness factor, although I *would* love to be with someone and show them the ropes the same as my FwB did for me. He actually recommended finding a partner with less sex experience so I can feel more in control.”

    • Eoylus,

      It’s a nice thought and I’m really pleased that UV has someone looking out for him like yourself (especially after this last chick…wtf?) but it probably wouldn’t work the way you’re thinking. While I absolutely did entertain the idea of having another FwB, it has since become very evident that I’m a “one at a time” kind of person.

      Were I able to just engage in casual sex, I wouldn’t hesitate at all to share such intimacy with UV. But it seems that I can’t without potentially harming myself (mentally, not physically). However I am fine being an open book in regards to sex and female anatomy. You can ask me literally anything, and I’ll give you an honest answer to the best of my ability.

      • eoylus

        I understand, Tarnished. I have seen some educational videos on sex positions, but I am not sure how a virgin such as myself could pleasure a woman sexually. I certainly would like to be taught by someone around my age the ropes, but I am not sure how to ask without it inadvertently making them uncomfortable. Obviously virgins would have to be experienced in knowing sex positions in order to perform effectively.

        • The first thing I’d recommend is communication, and being open to learning what your partner enjoys. There’s some things I like more than others, including positions. For example…missionary, female-on-top, and other face to face positions are preferable (to me) over backward ones. It’s much easier to hit my g-spot that way. However, if I was with a partner who only did doggy style, I’d miss out if they weren’t receptive to trying other things.

          • eoylus

            I fear that if I were to ask a female who I know well that lives locally about starting a FWB, she might get freaked out. How do I ask in a way that would not freak them out?

            • Hmmm. This is a tricky question. Kinda depends on the woman…How well do you know her? Is she a close or longtime friend, or have you only known each other a short time?
              In my one personal experience, it just happened. We were friends for about a year+ beforehand, and he gently kissed me one night when we were alone. Surprisingly, it didn’t scare or startle me (probably because I knew I was safe with him) and it went from there. Took me another 8 months or so of relearning intimacy before we had full sex (yeah, I was a virgin till 22) but if this works out you probably won’t have to go through that.

              Let me ask this;
              Why would you choose her for a FwB?

  32. eoylus

    I know her from a few years (4 years), since we have a similar hobby. I would choose her because she isn’t smothering in her affection, is independent minded, intelligent, and 10 years older, which I feel I could connect better than most women around my age, since my harder life has sort of aged me emotionally. She once gave me a nice hug from behind during a social event a few years back. I generally am scared off by emotionally needy or smothering women. In other words, I like affection, but in small doses, not too much that it makes me uncomfortable. Since she did show she is physically affectionate, I am sure she would also be good at cuddling. She also has a similar body type as myself, which is helpful, since it would allow for better flexibility in physical affection.

  33. eoylus

    I thought of having FwBs with women during college, but unfortunately the women who I was most compatible with had significant others, so I chose not to risk that. Also, a lot of people at my college were emotionally immature. I also thought of having a FwB with someone who I knew from back in high school, but me and her personalities and interests were too different, since she is significantly more outgoing, impulsive, more conventional and more spontaneous. I pegged her as an ESFP perhaps based upon her facebook profile and behavior.

  34. F. P. Grimm

    Ah, lad, a moving chronicle, related most effectingly.

  35. Pingback: BoyOnTheNet How I Feel About Head | Commentary | BoyOnTheNet

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