For the longest time I’ve been seeking a serious, long-term relationship, convinced that’s what I really want.  But the more I think about it, the more I’m not sure.  I’ve grown so accustomed to being single and I relish my freedom and independence.  Not to mention that I’m so busy with work and extra-curricular activities that a relationship would just suck up my remaining time.  So while I don’t really want someone to share my life with just yet, it might be nice to have someone to occasionally do fun things with.  And stick my penis into.

In other words, I’ve decided I’m looking for a friend with benefits.  At least I think that’s what I want right now.

Friends With Benefits: Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake

Certainly I’d consider more for the right person, but considering my situation this seems like a good starting point.  In any case it’s a possibility I’d like to investigate.

These feelings began their distant rumblings several months ago, intensifying when I came across this post by fellow blogger Tarnished Sophia.  She has a long-term monogamous FWB, and the more I read about their relationship, the more such an arrangement attracted me.  What’s more, she was considering finding a second FWB.

Her lover is the only person she’s ever had sex with.  Tarnished has a history of abuse at the hands of her stepfather, so many walls needed to come down first.  And after eight years together, her lover thought she was finally ready to take on a second partner.  While they’d always been monogamous, they have an open relationship.  He was going to be out of the picture for a while, and thought it would be a good idea for her to have someone on hand to help feed her insatiable appetite.

This is where I entered the picture.  I half-jokingly left a comment that I might be able to help her out if she were truly looking for “male or female disease-free virgins that don’t want children, marriage, commitment, or to live together…”  We exchanged emails for a few weeks, talked on the phone a couple of times, and finally set a date.  Even if we didn’t hit it off, she said she could still give me a blowjob so I’d have at least that much experience.  That sounded good to me, especially if she was as good at it as she said she was.

And shit – a girl that gives blowjobs?  Guys around me always talked about girls who gave blowjobs as if they were unicorns… always heard about them, but who ever really met one?  On the rare occasion I’d meet a guy bragging about getting a BJ, I’d chalk it up to typical locker room bullshitting, and I’d scoff and go, “oh yeah, I bet she let you put it in her ass too!”  It wasn’t until I started reading girls’ blogs did I discover that not only did they give blowjobs, but some of them even enjoyed doing it!  I was completely and utterly shocked.  Even now it’s still hard to swallow.  No pun.

It had always been one of my biggest fantasies, but I’d long ago given up hope of it ever happening to me.  To me, blowjobs only existed in porn and “real” girls didn’t do that.  I suggested it to my ex once, and she was horrified.  “No way, you pee out of there!” she screeched.   I’ve seen plenty of girls go as far as to put disclaimers on their OKC profiles or match answers such as:  “I will never do it.  EVER. So don’t even ask” or “maybe I’d give you a BJ if I was still in high school, but I’ve grown up and so should you, I’m more mature  now” or even “asking me to do it is a dealbreaker.”  Even articles like this one showcase what I’ve always understood to be the typical female attitude towards oral sex; the norm rather than the exception.

The day came and Tarnished and I finally met.  I was quite pleased with her appearance.  Assets like whoa.  I went in for a handshake but she went in for a hug instead, which surprised me considering how touch-averse she is with strangers.  She was also a lot more bubbly and talkative than I was expecting. We spent an hour eating a late breakfast at the diner (her treat) and then walked around town for a while.

“So what do you want to do now?” she finally asked.  I chuckled to myself.  Oh, you know what I want to do now… I felt like saying.

“I don’t know, that’s as far as I’ve planned,” I responded.  She laughed.  Then she informed me that she only had a little while left before she had to meet up with her family.  Oh.  We hadn’t set plans apart from what we’d already done, but I’d assumed I was going to have her to myself for the whole day.  My hopes crumbled under me as I looked at my watch and realized there wasn’t really enough time left for sex, especially since we still had yet to address that particular elephant and I didn’t want to do things in a rush.  It seemed apparent that this was just going to be the initial “interview” rather than a sex date. So I devoted our remaining time to talking about sex.  We drove to the outskirts of town to walk along a popular hiking trail, and it was here that I finally broached the subject (once the coast was clear of children or anybody else – we kept looking over our shoulders to make sure).

“So… I was wondering if you’ve decided whether to take me on as a partner?”  Tarnished hemmed and hawed, and started saying things like, “I’m probably not what you’re looking for,” and “I don’t think I could give you what you want”  Finally I sussed out the reason for her hesitation, and it turned out she was not really on board with the idea of taking on a second FWB.  It was more something that her lover wanted her to do, rather than something she wanted to do.

That settled it for me.  I wasn’t going to have her do anything she didn’t really want to do.  Had she taken my hand with a sly smile and said “are we going to do this or what?” or “let’s get out of here,” I would have been all-in.  I need to feel desired. But she’s also demisexual, so in any case she’s not attracted to me the way she’d need to be in order for us to do anything sexual past a one-time encounter.  She said she could still give me a blowjob if I wanted one, and that it would be really good, but I turned her down.  Yes, I turned down a blowjob, heavily aware that another opportunity may never arise.  No pun.  But I could tell she wasn’t keen on that idea either.  (She later told me that my declination was both a major relief and a huge letdown – she’d spent a lot of time pumping herself up mentally to do it.)

To be perfectly honest, at the time I wasn’t 100 percent sure about entering a FWB relationship but was willing to explore the possibility, but I knew that I wanted my first time to be with someone I felt comfortable with and trusted completely.  Tarnished fit the bill.  She’s amazingly caring and accepting and non-judgmental, and her lover is incredibly lucky to have someone like her in his life.  However, we were just not meant to be.  But I was grateful for the chance to meet her and we still had a fun time together.  And she considers our meeting a date so I will update the counter accordingly.

Anyhoo.  Nowadays I’m finally 100 percent on board with the FWB idea.  The question is… how do I go about finding one?  I’d appreciate any advice on this topic.  I’ve taken one of the most obvious steps already: after I disabled my regular OKC profile, I created another one (sans head shots) solely for the purpose of finding a FWB/casual sex partner.  At first I received messages from a handful of well-wishers and curious onlookers, but then I received messages from a couple of girls that were potentially interested.  One of them was into some really kinky shit, though.  At one point during our conversation she told me she was into “rape play, being pinned down by sheer force and human strength, choking, hair pulling, spanking, lots of biting, a decent amount of impact play, cock and ball torture, trampling, humiliation/degradation, cruel methods of torture for my own amusement, leaving marks, whipping/spanking/paddling… and that’s not even getting into the heavier stuff I like lol.”

Wow.  Okay.  Going to stay away from her.  However, I do have another potential FWB that I’m talking to, and between my profile and my messages I’ve been completely honest about what I’m looking for and about what I’m looking for.  And she’s still talking to me, so that’s an encouraging sign.  I’m angling to move this conversation offline now.


In other news, I have one last update on Shorty.  She would not stop bitching at me, so I finally I composed a lengthy message telling her to get fucked.  Those weren’t the words I used – in fact, in contrast to the way she’d been talking to me lately, I used no swear words at all – but that was the jist of it.  I detailed exactly what my problems with her were, concluding my essay with “if this is how you act towards people, then maybe that’s why you’re having such a miserable time on the dating scene.  Just a thought.  So goodbye and good luck to you.”

Within the next hour I received seven missed calls, four voicemails, and two texts.  I deleted them all without looking or listening.  And that was that.  All has been silent ever since, and what a goddamned relief that is…

First dates:  21
Second dates:  2
Third dates:  2
Cancellations:  3
Stood up:  2
First kisses: 1
Sexual experiences:  0.6



Despite the fact that I’d taken down my profile and was fed up with the whole dating scene, I finally landed a date with the 19yo.  We were already talking on the phone by that point, so I figured I’d see where things went.  Stars and schedules aligned and we finally met.  And there she was – the youngest girl I’ve ever gone out with, as well as the first black chick I’ve met.  Woo, diversity!

I’d sworn off coffee dates, yet that’s precisely where we ended up.  It was just the easiest thing to do at the time. We sat and talked for over two hours, long enough that we ended up getting kicked out of the shop because it was closing.  Before we parted ways we made plans to see each other again, granted that our schedules line up again.  I straight out asked her what she’s looking for – a conversation I’ve neglected to have on most of the first dates I’ve been on.  She’s still new to this, I’m the only guy she’s met so far, and she’s one of these I’m-not-really-sure-what-I’m-looking-for types.  Basically just friends with the potential for more.  Okay.  I was honest with her and said that I’ve been looking for a serious relationship and that hasn’t been coming together for me.  Right now we are both on that same page of “friends and maybe more.”  We greeted each other with a handshake, and we left with a hug.

However, after my last post I came to a decision which I will discuss further in my next post.  I promise that this time I will finally tell the story of how I met a fellow blogger… especially since it relates to my new decision.  Let’s just say that I’m going to try a new direction as far as what I’m looking for.

In the meantime, I wanted to touch base and keep everybody updated.  I’ve also been remiss at responding to some of your comments.  Gotta get on that…

First dates:  20
Second dates:  2
Third dates:  2
Cancellations:  3
Stood up:  2
First kisses: 1
Sexual experiences:  0.6