Fourplay

I’m really slacking here. I’ve gone on four dates since my last update and I still haven’t written about them yet. So I’m pushing this post out because I have at least three more dates set up for this week.

Date #15 – The Jokester
She was a cute 20yo blondie. Yes, 20 years old. The youngest girl to date I’ve gone out with. I’m not neglecting women my own age, but I’ve been unashamedly pursuing younger ones as well. Because let’s face it – what guy wouldn’t want to get with a 20yo? Not to mention that I’m turning 30 in three months and this is my last chance. It’s going to be infinitely harder to reel one in; 29 is more palatable than 30.

Anyway. She mentioned on her profile that she liked corny jokes and pizza, so after a few messages I proposed an outing where we could indulge in both. Game on. I met her at the pizza place and she was even better-looking in person. Wow. And she greeted me with a handshake, and gave me the same when we parted ways. Interesting. Hugging had been the standard greeting on all prior dates up until then, so I wasn’t sure what to make of that. Then she threw me another curve ball when we went inside. We ordered our food and I took out my wallet to pay, but she waved me off.

“Don’t worry, I got it,” she said. I assumed she meant she was paying for herself, but she repeated herself when she saw I was still taking bills out. I looked up at her.

“Oh! Are you sure…?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

Well, if she insisted. It was only pizza and drinks and I wasn’t going to stand there and argue with her. There are some girls who like to pay for themselves. I even have a couple of female friends who refuse to ever let a guy pay for them. Besides, at the time I was fresh from reading this post by Dating Fresh and this post by Tarnished, so I didn’t think much of it, even if she did take it a bit further by paying for the whole date. Perhaps that was just the sort of girl she was.

However, JBlondie was horrified when I told her about this: “Don’t ever let the girl pay on the first date!” she admonished. Now I’m not sure what to think. Out of everything in this post, this is the subject I’m most curious to hear your comments on, so have at it.

Anyway, we got our food and sat down and started our joke exchange. Eventually the conversation turned towards more serious matters like work/family/etc. After about an hour she called it a night. As I’ve said before, it’s never a good sign when the girl calls an end to the date. Especially when it’s only 9 o’clock. I walked her outside, and then I asked her straight-up how she thought the date went.

“It was very nice meeting you and I had a good time,” she said. A very diplomatic answer. Stupidly I’d forgotten to come prepared with a second date idea. Dammit. But I told her I liked her and asked whether she’d like to see me again.

“Potentially,” was her response.

I’ve been on enough dates by now to know what that means. Anytime a girl says, “maybe” or “that sounds nice” or “we’ll see” or anything of the sort, it actually mean “no.” Then she told me that she was probably going to stop talking to people on OKC because she was going back to grad school the next week, and between that and work and driving 50 miles each way every day, she just wasn’t going to have the time. Sure enough, a week later she took her profile down, but not before viewing my profile several more times in the interim.

And that was all she wrote.

Date #16 – The Puerto Rican
My first Puerto Rican girl. She made me blush when she kissed me on the cheek. Very affectionate. However, I wasn’t attracted to her and she was a lot heavier than her pictures indicated. Sorry, not my thing at all. We still had a fun time nonetheless. We met at Starbucks and sat and talked for two hours. Two hours! I didn’t think we were that long, so obviously we had an even better time than I realized. She thought I was very funny and I made her laugh a lot. But sadly I wasn’t interested. So I finally called it a night. I’ve decided that from now on I’m going to take control of the date and be the one to end it. I walked her to her car, gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek, told her it was very nice to meet her and wished her a safe trip home. And that was that. No talk of a second date. No problem.

Date #17 – Bella Dancer
Another goddamn coffee date. I know I’ve said this before, but I’m definitely done with coffee dates now. Food or activities from now on. But we met at another Starbucks. It was close to where she lived and easy to get to, and it was also in the mall, so after we got our beverages we walked around and checked out some of those gadget-and-gizmo stores and whatnot.

After an hour we ended up back at the Starbucks where we had started from. I was about to wrap things up, but dammit would you believe she beat me to it? However, she said she wanted to see me again and said we should definitely go on a second date! Forward… I like it! How about dinner on Friday, I asked? Game on. I promised to get back to her the next day with the details. Then I was out – but not before hugging her and planting a big fat kiss on her cheek. Wow. Real daring.

After I got home I sent her the cursory I-got-home-safe-and-hope-you-did-too text. At least that seems to be what people do these days.  I also reiterated what I good time I had with her.

No response.

Whatever. I shrugged it off and went to bed, and when I awoke Tuesday morning I sent her a “good morning” text.

No response.

Now this was getting really odd. In the days leading up to our first date, we were texting constantly.  And she would respond to my texts almost instantly, no matter what time of day it was. Now she went from instant response to no response. What was going on? Finally I picked up the phone and called her later that evening. Two and a half rings, then straight to voicemail as if she had hit the “ignore” button on her phone. I left her a pleasant message, telling her I’d had a nice time the previous night, and asked her to call me back so we could work out the details for Friday.

Friday came and went and still no word from her, and I took to OKC and saw that she actually updated her profile to complain about what a waste of time the site is and how hard it is to find a gentleman. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. This is how you treat people, and then you want to complain about what a rough time you’re having on the dating scene?

Needless to say, I was kinda pissed.

Date #18 – Honest Girl

True to my word of “no more coffee dates,” we met at Panera Bread. Before now I’d always assumed it was just a bakery and all they had were bread and rolls. I didn’t know that they served, you know, like real food there. Sandwiches and whatnot. So I pleasantly surprised, and even more so when I met her outside. She was very cute. And another one that greeted me with a handshake. Uh oh. This again? I let it pass without comment. When she later told me that she’s fresh from a 10-year relationship and has only been single for two months and I was only the third guy she’s been on a date with, I simply chalked it up to that.

We had a good time, and the conversation really hit its stride once we discovered our mutual love of reading and writing. My phone vibrated in my pocket at the hour mark, and a couple of minutes after that alarm I called it a night. I explained that I had an early morning and I had to drive back home yet. And this time I came prepared with a second date idea. That coming weekend I was performing with my dance group at a festival that was right in her town. I invited her to come out and watch, and afterwards we could enjoy the rest of the festival. It was perfect.

However, she said she’s had to check her schedule because she worked two jobs and didn’t know yet whether she’d be free. Right. I could see where this was going, especially when I didn’t even get a handshake when we parted ways. She just waved goodbye and walked to her car. Uh… okay then. Sure enough, after I sent my hope-you-got-home-safe-blah-blah-blah text, I received the following response:

“I did, thanks, you’re an interesting guy but I think I’m looking for someone a little more rough around the edges. Believe it or not I’m a pretty intense character.”

I knew I wasn’t imagining her apparent lack of enthusiasm. But I wasn’t going to let this go without comment. I wrote back that I thought it was a little premature to say that, especially when we’d barely gotten to know each other. Case in point, she told me was a pretty intense character but I didn’t see any of that in her at all. Hell, I didn’t even like my ex when I first met her, but six months later we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

Long story short, we discussed it for over an hour. Fast forward a week and a half and we’re still talking. If nothing else, perhaps I’ve simply made a new friend. I’m cool with that. But she was the first girl I’ve met that finally gave it to me straight. Quite refreshing for a change. The only thing that would have impressed me more would have been if she’d told me all this in person rather than after the fact. But no matter.

***

I’ll come back later to fix grammar and make other revisions, but I’ve dawdled on this post long enough and I really wanted to bring everyone up to date. And like I said, I’ve got three more dates lined up. Wish me luck!

First dates:  18
Second dates:  1
Third dates:  1
Cancellations:  3
Stood up:  2
Sexual experiences:  0.5

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48 Comments

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48 responses to “Fourplay

  1. Have you ever thought about playing it cool and NOT sending that follow-up text? I don’t know…the men who played it cool and didn’t “give a fuck” were always the hottest to me…I know-backwards! But truth. Also: Reality is your dates should last two hours or more…anything less then that?…it’s a dud!
    P.S. That anonymous blogger friend has it right…men should pay for the first date …always. She sounds super smart…and pretty 😀

    • The only reason I sent such a text is because I’d been advised to do so. I never did it before. And two hours or more? Hmm. I’d be curious to hear people’s thoughts on this as well…

      • Chin Up, Chest High!

        Sure, insist they stay seated for two hours. Keep an eye on your watch and berate them if they want to leave after a paltry 1:57. Follow them to the toilet to make sure they don’t leave early 😉

      • beautifulmess7

        If it’s a good date usually yes. I never did the coffee house, sandwich type of dates, though. Every single first date I’ve ever had has been a sit down meal at a restaurant. Y first date with my now boyfriend lasted two hours inside the restaurant, and when they basically kicked us out because they were closing it lasted another hour at least in the parking lot (probably more, to be honest). And the kissing part only lasted a few minutes at the very end before he put me in my car and I went home (alone).

      • I never consider that first meeting a date. I call it a “first meet” because it’s really just an introduction – drinks, coffee (yeah, I know – have a FROYO,) or possibly lunch or a happy hour, but you’re just seeing if you want to invest that 2+ hours in an actual date. It really takes the pressure off if first contact isn’t a 5-course meal that takes 2 hours and costs $130. Plus if you *DO* really hit it off on the first meeting you can always extend your meet-up into a date.

  2. I don’t think men should have to pay on the first date, if a woman offers to pay, why not? I think the men pay thing is totally old fashion.

    I agree with Jblondie maybe play it cool on the followup text?

  3. Chin Up, Chest High!

    However, JBlondie was horrified when I told her about this: “Don’t ever let the girl pay on the first date!” she admonished.

    Sure, if you want to be treated like a walking cash machine that is. Women who really want and claim to want equality are more than happy to pay their own way and some make a career of getting free food from men. It was surprising though that this girl paid for the lot. Perhaps she is super-rich and thought it was a fair thing to do.

    What really matters though is how you feel about it – don’t blindly follow social norms because of one person’s opinion. If you won’t feel you are being taken for a ride by every girl you go on a date with, and some will clearly be looking for a free feed here, then carry on. Just don’t end up as one of those bitter MRAs who didn’t have the balls to put their foot down at the time and then opt out of dating altogether because they feel they have been screwed over by women their whole life. What’s important is your personal boundaries.

    After I got home I sent her the cursory I-got-home-safe-and-hope-you-did-too text. At least that seems to be what people do these days.

    No response.

    You should have left it here. Don’t chase people who don’t deserve your time. I know it’s hard, but put a value on yourself. We sometimes expect others to act with the same chivalry that we treat others with, but they don’t. Her “no decent men” whine is her problem to deal with.

    • Well I wasn’t going to consign her to the rubbish heap just because she didn’t answer one text right away. Especially after how excited she seemed to be about going on a second date. Which is why I reached out more than once, because I assumed she meant what she said. I do value myself, but you just get to the point where you want a goddamn answer. I still don’t understand it – did something happen while I was driving home??

      As far as the whole “who pays” thing goes, I always was comfortable with the idea of paying for the first date. However, recently I’ve been learning there’s more than one way to skin a cat. For instance, I heard one guy say that he always splits the bill on dates, and it’s only when things graduate to relationship that he starts paying for the whole date. Interesting idea. Don’t know if it’s for me, but hearing differing opinions makes me wonder whether I should change up my approach. For now I’m happy to pay for the whole thing, but I’d still like to hear what others think.

      I don’t know if I mentioned this in my post (and I’m too lazy to scroll up and look) but I suspected that maybe she paid because I drove some distance to meet her. Then someone else told me that she probably paid so she wouldn’t feel like she owed me anything. Maybe she’s just egalitarian? Who knows. It wasn’t until afterwards that it even occurred to me to ask her about it. I should have brought it up on the date, that could have made for an interesting discussion.

      • Chin Up, Chest High!

        Yes, I get that contacting more than once because you want an answer, but if they have ignored you once, they are likely to ignore you again and again – as you found to your dismay. Once should be enough, put the ball in their court and let them take the initiative. This is the 21st century after all and online dating has given men options, women do not hold all the power in dating. In chasing and chasing, you either drive yourself crazy with feeling incensed at their rudeness or you learn to brush it off and chalk her up as another flake.

        It was probably nothing you did or said. Don’t go down that route because you will never make sense of it. She was either dishonest at the start when she said she wanted to see you again, or she changed her mind on the route home. Hell, at this point it’s likely she had a boyfriend she argued with a week before, broke up with and they made up that night and are back together again. It may have been nothing to do with you. Whichever it is, it doesn’t matter. You are not getting your second date.

        By “put a value on yourself” I mean that men far too often are given the run around by women on an ego trip and we are often daft enough to let them do it and keep doing it. Been there myself, never again. I may sound unnecessarily harsh, but I am talking from experience 🙂 Don’t waste your time and energy on people who don’t deserve it.

        Ah you didn’t mention you travelling farther, that makes sense. Either way, it was good of her to pay and it’s best not read anything into that. She had her reasons.

        I hope things get better soon. At least things are going in the right direction.

      • beautifulmess7

        I didn’t think about the driving thing. Yes, if you came a far distance (an hour or so) that would be another reason that a woman might pay.

  4. beautifulmess7

    If a woman wants to pay for a first sate I don’t see a problem with that. It is a different dynamic than I personally prefer. However, I can definitely see the reasons a woman might pay.

    First potential reason I can think of that I might offer to take care of everything: I really like him and I want him to know that I’m definitely not using him. Added bonus: a guy often doesn’t get treated the first time, so it can be a flattering surprise. This option would usually happen at the end of a dinner or a really great evening where the tab is paid last.

    Second potential reason: I don’t really like him at all. I want to make sure he doesn’t feel the slightest bit entitled to anything at the end of the date. This would usually happen immediately if I saw the guy in person and realized he’s not my type at all. Bonus: I’ve created a power dynamic that is in my favor, and facilitates a faster exit for me.

    Third potential reason: I want to show off. I don’t need him or his money, and I want to one up him.

    Fourth potential reason: Similar to number three, but one step further… I am a strong feminist and want to make it clear that I am in charge of myself and will set the tone for this relationship and have it my way or the highway.

    I also want to chime in one the girl you thought you had a second date set up with. Let’s assume I’m a woman who had a fantastic time on a first date or even just kinda liked the guy and wanted to give him a second chance. I get home, put down my phone, maybe sack out, maybe get involved with something else like hanging out with friends, watching a movie or some other activity that requires me to silence my phone and not pick it back up.

    I go to bed, and when I wake up in the morning that guy has sent me not one but THREE messages. It comes off as desperate, needy, and more than a little bit creepy. Even if I kinda liked him before, even if the messages seem harmless enough… The problem isn’t the content. Its the volume. And the short period of time. And the fact that he’s too eager. It’s now no longer cute, it’s making me feel uncomfortable. And like he’s way more into me than I’m into him, which is an immediate turn off.

    Let’s say she even saw your first message, but had something going on that she didn’t want to or couldn’t respond to right away. Maybe she was elbow deep in cooking. Or busy with schoolwork or friends or family. Before she has a chance to respond, there’s another message. Hmmm… This guy is a little too all up in her shit, and it reeks of desperation in a bad way. She decides to sleep on it and reconsider how she feels in the morning because its been a long day. She wakes up and now there’s a third message after she didn’t reply to the first two. Geez, she thinks, I can’t even get personal time or space now and its only been one date. This guy is never going to leave me alone if I we go any further.

    That notion is reinforced when she gets a phone call, then another text, then a message online. Its like he’s stalking her, and now its really unacceptable. She feels unsafe and is glad she avoided engaging this guy because he’s way too aggressive. Now he’s coming across as entitled and just an all around jerk. How dare she get uncomfortable with his endless messages and renig on a tentative plan. She is exasperated that yet another guy has gone off the deep end and behaved like a possessive idiot. She’s so freaking glad she didn’t go on a second date with this clingy creep!

    Moral of the story: Never send a second message when the first hasn’t been answered. And never, ever, EVER send a third! Seriously. It’s the most basic texting rule ever. And when someone ignores it there are all sorts of red flags. Unless its my Mom, an existing boyfriend, boss, or friend who has a legitimate reason to fear for my safety, that is not okay. In literally every other circumstance it is completely unacceptable, and it would absolutely make me avoid the person.

    • I dunno, maybe. Seems hardly going off the deep end to me, but I suppose some girls just have a really low bar when it comes to that sort of thing.

      • beautifulmess7

        Its not even the content. It’s three text messages in a row when she hasn’t responded. And you’ve only had a first date. Way too much, dude. Seriously. It is. There is no debating that.

        And “good morning” from a guy I barely know could be sweet if we’ve been doing that for a while and we’ve had a mutual texting stream. Even then, I would hope the girl had done that at least once herself first. But if its the third text after I didn’t have a chance to respond to two others, its creepy and clingy. It just is. Even not in that context a good morning text from a guy I’ve only had a first date with is too intimate. We don’t have that kinda relationship yet. I’m not thinking of you when I wake up naked in bed, and I don’t want to think about you doing that yet. Yes, even if I think you’re sexy.

        And about that comment from her… It simply means that she found you attractive and she was flirting. It does not mean that she can’t be turned off by desperate, needy behavior. Even if I’m interested in someone if he comes on way too strong it’s bad. Unless I’m just as head over heels for him, like crazy into him, making out on the first date, it turns me off.

        I also have to say that I agree with the other comment about not chasing a woman down. Let’s say you sent that first text only. She didn’t respond, but your confident and secure and know she has a life. You do your thing, go to bed, and leave it at that. You also decide to give it at least to the following afternoon before you send anything else. If she likes you, she responds when she has the opportunity and feels like she has something to say. You’ve lost nothing, and now she starts thinking about a next date. If she doesn’t respond, you have a second opportunity to reach out with an email saying simply that you had a good time and you’ve thought of a place for the second date. She either responds to that because she likes your confidence and she wants to see how it goes, or she doesn’t. In either case you still haven’t lost anything. If she didn’t like you, she wouldn’t have gone anyway (as you discovered), but now you know for sure that its not your overbearing eagerness. Now you haven’t been desperate or needy, so its just a case of not being a good fit.

        You aren’t owed an explanation. It.would be nice to get one, but it doesn’t actually change anything. Also, trying g to talk some girl into liking you when she’s decided it won’t work never works longterm. Best case is that she gives you another shot out of pity or guilt because you werr aggressive enough that she begrudgingly agrees. Women know if there’s an attraction pretty early on, sometimes instantly. Not that “he grew on me” never happens, but usually not in an online dating scenario. And do you really want to be the guy she settled for who wasn’t really right for her, but was nice enough to be a fill-in until someone better comes along?

        • Well, I guess now I know better when it comes to communicating after a date. And who said anything about “talking a girl into liking you?”

          • beautifulmess7

            There’s a world of difference that you still don’t seem to grasp. Had you even sent four messages in a row without a response? My guess is no. Unless you know for a fact what she was doing that night after the date you can’t say she wasn’t busy or hadn’t put her phone down. After a date getting two messages in a row and then a third the next morning when I haven’t replied is too much. I was cringing the entire time I read your post. It was all I could do not to yell “No!” at my phone screen. Don’t do that.

            The best move is to send one text. At most. Preferably a few hours after the date, not immediately, and leave it at that. If she doesn’t answer you can follow up with an email the next afternoon or evening. If you can wait until she reaches out first or the next day before texting that’s even better. Don’t be overeager, and don’t send more than one unreciprocated text.

          • beautifulmess7

            Also, did she give you that sexy, I want to slow dance with you comment before the date or in person?

            • She told me that in person. And I’ve sent a text or a message after a date only to get no response, and I wrote those girls off fairly quickly. But none of those girls expressed an interest in me like she did.

  5. Lovedd this post! You’re an awesome writer

  6. Lon Spector

    I remember a quote from a man in show business. He said:
    “People ask me, how do you get into this business?”
    “Everybody I know who wants to be in the business is all ready
    in it.”
    There is no methodology to “get in” to the business. You want
    to get into it, and you get into it.
    There’s nothing you couldn’t attain at the age 20 that you can’t
    attain at the age 30, unless something very tramadic happened
    at 20.
    I detect quite a bit of ambivilance in your posts. One one hand
    you seem to want to build a friendship with women, but on the
    other hand you make cynical comments about women’s bodies.
    If you’re good looking, you should expect to attract a good looking
    woman. But to make the statement that you’re sorry that it
    didn’t work out because she had large breasts, causes me to
    think that you should engage in some self introspection about
    what your REALLY after.

  7. Good to see you’ve been getting dates, my friend. Too bad they seem to be kinda…lackluster in one way, shape, or form. Obviously you already know how I feel about chicks paying for the date. 😉
    I would do a handshake upon meeting the guy just to establish a sense of equality, but would give a hug at the end regardless of how the actual date goes.

  8. Sanda

    About you saying people are missing your point…

    You are a 30 year old virgin. You don’t have a point. Shut up and stop arguing with people with more experience trying to help you and follow their damn advice!!!

    • beautifulmess7

      That might be a little harsh. I was giving my opinion based entirely on his summary without having been there. He’s entitled to clarify. And I was the first one to get snarky about him missing the point. There’s no need to shame him because he’s a virgin. It sounds like he’s learning as he goes along, and I think our dialogue was interesting and respectful.

    • Wow, really? I’m not allowed to have an opinion?

  9. Moving off the Bella Dancer topic…

    Speaking of HARSH – did you read your very brief and icky dismissal of “The Puerto Rican”?? You made a nasty swipe about her size and the fact that you weren’t attracted to her physically. You THEN go on to say what a nice time and how you spent two hours talking and laughing before hugging & kissing goodbye.

    I wonder what HER blog report about YOU looks like.

  10. Date #17, you came on too strong, unfortunately. As much as I love assertive, masculine men, I find the “hope you got home safe” texts a little patronizing (if we just met) and the “good morning” a little cheesy. That doesn’t justify her super bitchy behavior, of course!

    Date #15, at most, women should split the bill on date 1. I always offer to split, and the guy usually waves me away. For this girl to say ‘I got this’ on date 1 is rather ball-busting.

    • The vast majority of female dating blogs I read, the guys always seem to follow up with a “hope you got home safe” text and the like. As far as I can remember, the girls found it thoughtful and considerate and were even impressed that the guy would follow up after a date in that manner. That’s the only reason why I started doing it myself, especially after a couple of female bloggers actually suggested that I should.

      • Interesting that the suggestion came from female bloggers! I’m definitely the type of person who loves attention from someone I care about, and I appreciate little acts of thoughtfulness. But I might be overwhelmed by a text moments after we met. I do love when guys text the very next day though and don’t play games.

  11. A.

    As a girl – I’m in agreement with those who have said that there were too many texts in a row, too quickly, to that one girl. That said, to have gone from suggesting a second date to ignoring you was totally wrong too.

    One other point about girls saying they’re not interested…the problem I’ve found when turning guys down, whether after a date or not, is that they want to know *why*. And once I gave a reason, in one case, he wasn’t satisfied with it and kept trying to persuade me to give him a second chance or that we were actually a good match. For a girl, this is tiring and doesn’t make the person any more likeable. I really do understand the desire for an answer, because I’ve felt the same way; however, there just is no good way to tell someone you’re not interested. So sometimes I think girls (and guys do this as well) pull the ‘disappearing act’ because they don’t want to have an awkward conversation.

    • Well, there’s always the “block” feature if it comes to that.

    • Lin

      So I’m a year late commenting on this but I have to second this. I used to give guys reasons and they’d a) try to argue me out of them or b) start hurling insults like “stuck up bitch, fuck you” etc etc all because I wasn’t interested in them. That being said, reading your blog has made me kind of re-think things in that area. It’s painful to see it from the other side!

      Also, I agree that you sent too many texts to what’s-her-face. But unlike some other commenters, I personally like a “had a good time” text sometime after the date, and “good morning” texts just make me like someone even more.

      • We sent dozens and dozens of texts to each other in the few days before we met. I still have a hard time believing that two texts after a date is suddenly too many – with this particular girl, anyway. But she went from constant texting to zero texting with the flip of a switch. I think what really happened is that she wasn’t feeling it during our date. She called it a night and said “let’s go out again” just so she could get rid of me, because she did leave rather quickly afterwards. I don’t think she ever intended to talk to me again, regardless of what I texted or how often I did so. And I’m not a fan of the whole after-date-text or the good-morning-text. Like I told other commenters, the only reason I started doing that was because I was following advice to do so. I’ve gone back to playing it cool and not doing it.

        Nobody owes me or other guys reasons or explanations… but how about common courtesy? I’ve told some girls after a date that I wasn’t interested. If an inexperienced virgin like me can do that… then why can’t others? At the very least, don’t lead people on. Sometimes it’s as easy as saying, “I had a nice time tonight – get home safe!” instead of talking up a second date and then ghosting. It’s a bit galling for girls to complain about guys doing that, but then turn around and do precisely the same thing.

        But whatever. It’s all in the past. Nowadays I do my best to brush it off and move on, but I still find it frustrating. Maybe it wouldn’t be so frustrating if I was getting laid.

  12. Wow- lots of opinions posted here. My thoughts: surprised she paid for both. I’d be MUCH more inclined to offer to pay for a date if I knew he traveled a distance, and/or if I was the one to ask him out in the first place. It would be a unique situation where I insist on paying for the date, but the travel might warrant it, especially if it’s cheap.

    Annoying that the one girl asked you out and didn’t mean it. What’s up with that?

    Regarding the texting afterwards, I gauge my own thoughts about the date by whether or not I’m inclined to text him after. If I had a great time and am interested, I will text him right after I get home to thank him, regardless of whether he gets in touch with me- this happens less than half the time, I’d estimate. I take a quick response as a great sign- mutual interest. If I had a mediocre time on the date, I don’t bother to text afterwards. If he does, I assume he’s interested, if not, there usually is no further contact at all. You might play it accordingly- text after if you’re really interested, don’t bother if not, instead of standardizing the practice. If a woman is interested, most will get in touch and give an indication of that interest, especially if you’ve been texting prior.

  13. seattlegraphix

    I offer to pay for a date when I’m not interested. It’s a guilt thing I guess. I feel bad so I at least cover myself, if not both parties.

    I prefer the coffee date because it can last 20 min if it flops and wont break anyone’s bank, or be extended to a walk, dinner, movie, comedy shows… whatever, if things go well.

  14. Look at you, you playyaaa; those numbers are stacking up, sir… you’re doing a LOT better at this than I am, haha

  15. This is a late comment to this thread, but I only *ever* insist on paying if I know for sure I’ll never see the guy again. Leaves me with a clean conscious. That said, I do always offer… and haven’t had any guy say yes in a really long time. Maybe it’s a southern guy thing, but I appreciate it.

  16. Pingback: Currents | The Unfortunate Virgin Male

  17. Ok, so I think every girl has different opinions on this.

    Follow up text: Mandatory. If he doesn’t follow up, I won’t be the one chasing either. No matter how much I liked him, I will just automatically assume he is not that interested in first place.

    Paying: I am with JBlondie in this one. I do not ‘expect’ the guy to pay but it’s nice that they offer. It’s a nice gesture. I always offer to pay my part for the same reason – normally they always insist after that.

    Girls that stop replying: As harsh as it might seem, it’s pretty clear, I don’t think it’s worth insisting (same reason as I never follow up or chase. Whoever is with me is with me because they want to).

    And I am sorry if this sounds arrogant but that’s how life taught me to be : read the signs and move on. Whoever is worth it, will stay and make some effort:)

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