Of the three dates I tried to line up last week, only one came to fruition.  The first was supposed to be with The Talker.  This would have been my first second date and I was willing to give her a chance.  But she canceled at the last minute:

“I am so sorry…something came up and I can not do tomorrow. If you like we can reschedule. So so sorry.”

If she were really interested in rescheduling, she would have suggested an alternate date. At least that’s what I would have done.  But she didn’t.  Besides, I’ve been “rescheduled” enough times by now to know what that really means.  So I let her message languish in my inbox and figured that was that.  The next day I received another message from her:

“Still so sorry about yesterday. Hope you had a nice day and we can hopefully catch up soon.”

Um… okay?  I didn’t respond to this either. The next day I received yet another message:

“Hope we can figure something out.”

Sigh.  If she was keeping after me like this, then perhaps she sincerely wanted to reschedule. I took the bait and suggested Monday. Her answer finally came days later:

“I am sorry it took so long to respond but it looks like Monday is not good. Hope you had a nice weekend.”

Ugh, forget it.  I’m done with this chick.


Number Two was Crossfit Girl.  Crossfit… the latest fitness fad, and one that apparently employs lifting heavy weights, jumping up on boxes, and dragging things around parking lots.  Or some such shit.  I don’t know, I don’t really pay attention to these things.  But that’s her big interest.  She told me I was one of the cutest guys on the site – an assessment I agree with myself.  We messaged back and forth for about a week.  My last message to her went unanswered for two days, and when she finally got back to me all she had to say was “hey there.”

Hey there?  What the hell.  She didn’t respond to anything I’d written, but instead acted like she was messaging me for the very first time or something.  Weird.  I decided to pass on this one.


Number Three was Cake Girl.  She agreed to meet me after only a week of messaging back and forth.  Which is not usually an impressive feat, except that she was very new to the site and openly leery of online dating.  So, go me!  We wrote each other nice long emails, but after sitting and talking for over two hours I just didn’t feel the same spark we had in our messages.  Damn.  Afterwards we told each other “nice meeting you” and went our separate ways.  And that was that.  I’m not going to ask for a second date.

But I feel like I need to move away from these coffee dates.  I’m a fun and goofy person, and it’s hard to display that side of me sitting in a Starbucks.  I’d like to come up with more activity dates to help things flow better.  At the very least it won’t feel akin to a job interview.


You might be interested to know that I’ve signed up for A-List on OkCupid.  I did it more out of curiosity than anything else.  I really don’t believe that paying for online dating yields any better chance of success than doing it for free.  But I really wanted to know who my 95 Quickmatch likes were.  I also like the greatly expanded mailbox, because I was bumping up on my mailbox quota so often I was continually forced to delete messages.  Not to mention you can see whether people have read your message, which is really cool.  I paid for a three-month subscription, so that’ll give me plenty of time to explore the other features and additional search options.

There are a handful of girls I’m talking to at the moment, but only one that really interests me.  We’ve been sending each other messages of insane length, and she’s very interested in meeting me. She’s given me her number and everything.  All right.  Let’s see where this goes…

First dates:  7
Second dates:  0
Cancellations:  1

38 thoughts on “Java

  1. If conversation is not your strong suit, that’s something you’re gonna have to work on. You can be a Brad Pitt, but if you cannot hold an engaging conversation, it’s over.
    Even after nice long emails these women are gonna want to meet you at some point. I for one, do not give men a second chance if I don’t find them to have any interesting say, whether they are goodlooking or not. Long emails do not make up for that.

    • I’d have to agree with this. I get that if you immediately ‘click’ with someone when you meet up, then the conversation will naturally flow, but sometimes it needs a little push too. If you’re naturally fun and goofy, which is great by the way, try organising dates in places where this will shine through, an event, interactive exhibition, festival/gig of some sort….but, you will eventually just have to sit and talk one-on-one with someone over a coffee or a drink. Hopefully if you have done some fun stuff beforehand you will at least have some common ground, but if not….it might be worth working on your small-talk 🙂 Having said that, if conversation is really stilted, maybe she’s just not the girl for you!

      • @Ella North I’m not necessarily saying I’m terrible at conversation, but the typical coffee date gets cliche and boring after a while. To me, anyway. I’d just like to dip back into my “cool first date ideas” list to liven things up a bit more.

      • Another tip to piggy-back off totallylonely would be to find out what hobbies of hers you’d like to try and let her know you are new to it. That way, she will be in the position of “teaching” you and will do a lot of the talking. Also, research has shown that when you ask someone for a favor, that person tends to like you for asking. This goes for one favor, though, not repeated vulnerability. Best of luck!

  2. If she were really interested in rescheduling, she would have suggested an alternate date.

    Oh Lordy, this girl is such a flake and being so darned vague all the time? Don’t waste any more time on her. She seems to like the chase.

    Hey there? What the hell.

    Hmm, personally I would have cut to the chase at that point with “so, we’ve already been talking a week it’s probably time we met?”

    I am a big advocate of coffee dates. If you find someone you click with, it won’t matter where you are. If you can’t hold a conversation over coffee then a more exciting date destination isn’t going to change that.

    I too did the A-List. It didn’t improve my chances of finding a date but I got to look at those who gave me 4 or 5 stars. Of the 20, there’s only one I was interested in and oddly, she didn’t respond when I messaged her.

    • Hmm, personally I would have cut to the chase at that point with “so, we’ve already been talking a week it’s probably time we met?”

      Except that I wasn’t particularly interested in the first place, and that settled it for me.

      I’ve always been an advocate of the whole “it doesn’t matter what you’re doing but rather who you’re with.” But I still think a change in venue will help. If you’re doing something exciting, it will give you something additional to talk about. Something fun can help things flow a little better. Besides, coffee dates are a little cliche and boring to me. I’d like to switch things up a little.

      • Coffee dates are not boring. You’ll need to show you have shit to talk about. You can’t hide behind ‘fun’ dates for months. And also, regardless of how fun your dates would be, if you got nothing to say, there’s nothing that is going to be fun enough to cover up the boredom. Better suck it up and start with coffee dates. Cheaper, quick to figure out of you like someone (and vice versa) and if you can’t hold it there, you won’t anywhere.
        Do something with all these comments here. They make sense.

        • You still seem to be getting the wrong idea… I never said I wanted to “hide” behind fun dates or use them to avoid conversation, nor did I ever say that “nice long emails” make up for anything. All I said is that there are other, better first date ideas besides the typical coffee and chitchat. First dates need two things—a chance to get to know each other and some energy. There is a whole world of possibilities out there. What’s wrong with trying something different and thinking outside the box? My point was not that I want to avoid conversation, but to do something fun to make conversation easier.

  3. “Besides, I’m a fun and goofy person”

    No, you’re not. You’re an insecure, entitled dweeb.
    The first girl you speak of was BUSY HAVING A LIFE. She apologised time and time again, and you just ignored her because you’re insecure and let YOURSELF feel bad. You’re doing all these little passive aggressive things to ‘get back’ at her, and then when she DARES to have a life the next week on Monday, you get angry about it?!

    Dude, just because your life revolves around finding a woman to replace the emptiness in your heart and void in your social life does not mean everyone else out there does not have things to do or keeping themselves busy.

    She has a life, deal with it. Go get one of your own, it’s surprisingly fulfilling and stops you from being this needy person you are now. The fact is, this woman who has things going on in her life is prepared to keep in contact with you and at least WANT and TRY to meet up with you, and you try and be all high and mighty to protect your ego and send her to ‘inbox limbo’?

    Dude, you are not a fun and goofy person. You are a dick.

  4. Hahaha wait okay maybe I haven’t been reading this blog long enough, but are you actually a Virgin? Or just a whiny dude whose blogging about dating?

    Either way, lower your standards, Jesus. Messaging people on OkCupid is boring as fuck and people actually really are busy and have to reschedule. Also I don’t believe for one second that your inbox is always full. Mine was always full, that happens to females. Even the most attractive dudes I went out with only got a few messages a week. And if you’re that fucking awesome girls would want to meet you…
    So somewhere you’re lying. Which is cool, but not if you’re expecting people to feel sorry for you. Also hope they enjoy inbox limbo? I’m sure they have 1,000 other dates to go on. They’re fine.

    And yes everyone’s right, you can take someone skydiving but if you have nothing to say it’s not ever going to work. And it’s pathetic that you paid for your quick matches and to see if they read your messages. It’s going to make you depressed to see how many people read them and then didn’t reply…

    • Okay no, seriously 6 FUCKING YEARS ON OKCUPID that can’t be true. oh my god.
      I feel like there’s gotta be something wrong with you. I admit your blog in funny (not in the way you write it) because of how excited you get and then a few blogs later– total let down. There’s a pattern here, ever considered some self reflection?

      Every post is she did this or she said that nothing about what YOU did to bomb the date, and you’re bombing them. Six years? SIX YEARS?

      Also that 21 year old was pathetic sounding so much so that I really hope for your sake she wasn’t actually like 17…

  5. “She told me I was one of the cutest guys on the site – an assessment I agree with myself”, gotta love your confidence here my friend. Amywho, late-comer to the conversation and totally changing the subject, I just wanted to say it’s really refreshing to be reading a guys perspective! Every other blog around this area that I’ve seen, my own included, explores a female experience, so this is really interesting to me.

  6. HAHA, I laughed out loud at The Talker. Seriously? Does she want to go out with you or not? Make up your mind, girl. And I agree with you; if a particular time doesn’t work for me and I’m interested, I suggest a time that DOES work. Sounds like she doesn’t know what she wants.

    Also, regarding date ideas, I too have found coffee dates to be the least exciting. Some of my best dates have included a walk in the cemetery at night, watching a meteor shower, walking around town with our cameras and taking pictures of everything, and visiting notorious local attractions (think the Stanley Hotel or the Winchester Mystery House). I sometimes suggest things like these for dates when guys ask me out, and I’ve been told more than once, “This is the best date I’ve ever been on.” Conversation is also much easier when you’re in a setting like that since 1) it provides conversation topics and 2) it’s a distraction from the occasional awkward pause that’s bound to happen. Anyway, I hope that inspires you somewhat.

    • Yes, that’s exactly what I’m talking about! I also love the cemetery idea – that’s just the kinda thing I’d be into, but it would be hard to suggest something like that without them thinking I’m a psycho.

      • Haha yeah, it was a tough sell to the man who eventually agreed to the cemetery date. He thought it was weird and creepy. HOWEVER… once we got there, he started raving about how much fun he was having. I can see how being female definitely gives me an advantage here. I’m guessing a male who suggests such a date is more likely than I am to appear creepy, although it’s unfair.

  7. I’ll tell you where I find them… Life. OKC.
    Anywhere. Everywhere.
    You know what stings? Being rejected for who I am. Being told that I am not who I portray myself to be. When, really, what you see is what you get.
    And all anyone really wants, imho, is to love and be loved in return.
    So, why does everyone have to hurt one another?
    Why, then, can’t we find what we seek?

    • It’s because a significant amount of people suck. Men, women, every age and ethnicity. The trick is to both 1. Be a non-sucky person and 2. Find another non-sucky person to hang out with.

  8. Nice blog. The gender dynamics of Western Society unfortunately mean that men are expected to pursue and women are expected to choose. Translated to online dating this means men sends loads of messages and women become overwhelmed by them. As a man, one then requires a thick skin to deal with the sheer number of non-responses, last-minute flakers, dates with women who are perpetually holding out for “the One.”

    It’s for this reason that I (a virgin until 27 years old) started investing more time in going to Meetup groups. I deliberately chose groups which I had some interest in, but were not full of men. Depending on where you live, a lot of people in these groups are also single, recently moved to town, and are keen to meet others (both platonically and romantically) as they have no established social network.

    Anyway long story short, meeting people on meet up groups was a more successful (not mention vastly more enjoyable) avenue for me than online dating.

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