I roll out new versions of my profile like Microsoft rolls out new versions of Windows, and thereafter it’s a never-ending stream of fixes and updates. This time around I actually got some help from a fellow blogger. I’d found Perpetual Prude on OKC, so she found me too and offered some suggestions.
One of them was to excise the double entendres and innuendoes. Her advice reminded me of something I’d learned long ago but kinda forgot. And that is to steer clear of sex jokes. Actually, it’s a good idea to steer clear of most jokes, period. Humor does not always translate well online. One bad joke in a message can kill any chance you had. That was a painful lesson I learned many times before it finally sank in. For example:
(sometime in 2009)
Girl: Hey, I see you’re rather musical. Working on anything in particular at the moment?
Me: Not much, just trying to practice as much as I can. Although I am currently working on developing a line of rectal harmonicas.
(sometime in 2011)
Girl: I actually play the trumpet and the trombone. How about you?
Me: Trumpet and trombone, eh? You must be pretty horny then.
(sometime in 2012)
Girl (on her profile): I honestly believe that women don’t fart. Feel free to debate me on this.
Me (in my first message): I honestly believe that women don’t fart either. I think they just hold it in and it comes out as drama.
Unsurprisingly, none of these messages worked. Two of them of them ended the conversation and one of them merited a scathing response (I’ll let you guess which one). But thankfully I’ve moved beyond such juvenile compositions. Nonetheless, there were still subtle things in my profile that had to go, like a hint that I spend my weekends masturbating at home. Although, if truth be told, that’s fairly accurate.
After I made the changes she suggested I saw a flurry of visitors, some new Quickmatch ratings, and a new message:
“Hey there, You always come up under my matches or activity, so I thought I’d take a moment and say hello! How has your weekend been?”
Gah! I hate messages like this! Is it really that hard to find something to talk to me about, considering all the things I mentioned in my profile? I looked her over, but I couldn’t find anything in her profile that interested me, nor was I very attracted to her. I decided to pass. Then I decided to go after two of my profile lurkers. These were my first messages to anyone new in two months.
“You should message me if you like IPAs” she wrote in her profile. I had no idea what that was, and I couldn’t find any other conversation starters:
Me: I might like IPAs… what are they?
Lurker 1: Beers with hops in them.
Me: lol – what does that mean?
Lurker 1: That’s the vaguest answer I can give you. If you don’t know what those are, then I don’t know how to explain it to you.
I was rather put off by her seemingly abrupt response. Not quite the reaction I was expecting from someone who had been checking out my profile over and over again. I moved onto the next one:
She posted links to YouTube videos of her playing piano and singing, so she was easy to message: “I’ve been distracted by your music. So you play piano and sing… any other hidden talents?” We started talking music, and a couple of messages later I mentioned that I really liked her piano work in one of her songs and asked how long she had been playing piano for. And for some reason that was the end of the conversation. Never heard back from her. What a shame, because I really liked what I saw.
And that’s it once again for the OKC roundup. No other new messages, and I haven’t seen anyone else I’ve wanted to message yet. But thanks to Perpetual Prude I’m making a better presentation than I was before. We’ll just have to see what happens now. And it looks like I have two new profile lurkers on my hands. God help me…