So close, yet so far

First, an update. Jumping Jack Studios had a good bit of advice for me: instead of asking people out on OKC, move the conversation to the phone and then ask them out. Well, I’d already been trying to move conversations onto the phone, but now I’d make more of an effort to do so before suggesting meeting.

So here’s the rundown of the latest:

Fashion Girl 2
She initiated contact. After two weeks of messaging I asked for her number, and I got it. But when I called her she didn’t answer so I left a voicemail. She didn’t call back, but she did view my profile at least a half-dozen times in the days immediately following. And that was that.

Science Girl
She mentioned on her profile that “you should message me if you’re not embarrassed easily,” among other reasons. She was a really fun, goofy type and sounded awesome in every respect. And smoking hot, too. I dithered about for a few weeks because I wanted to approach with caution. I didn’t want to risk messing it up. Finally I came up with this and sent it to her:

“One time I went into Best Buy dressed as Napoleon Dynamite and did the whole dance in the middle of the store. With music. I’m sure that qualifies as ‘not embarrassed easily.’ Although I did have some cover with the fact that it was around Halloween. But I digress. So is that in line with the sort of thing you’re into?”

She wrote back the next day saying “this is the greatest message I’ve ever received on this site.” Yes! I was in! And then she took her profile down. FUCK.

Music Girl
Wasted two weeks with this one. I sent the first message, and while she kept writing back, she almost never asked me anything about myself in return.  I take our one-sided conversation as a lack of interest on her part. So her last message to me is languishing in my inbox and it will soon die of natural causes.

Art Girl (from previous post)
She finally returned my phone message… weeks later. Left a voicemail telling me she was really busy which was why she never got back to me. I just deleted her message. Too late. Surely you could have found 30 measly seconds during all that time.

Library Girl 2
She wrote me first. We really hit it off – we had the same wicked humor, we liked the same books and the same music, we were both outdoorsy types and liked the same nature spots in the area… it was while we were talking about nature spots that the conversation drifted to other favorite locales, and then she mentioned this coffee place she really liked. Couldn’t have asked for a better opening. I’m not really a coffee drinker, but I can pretend when a first date depends on it. We’d been talking almost three weeks by this point, so I suggested meeting AND asked for her number at the same time so we could talk on the phone first and then hash out the details. Apparently she wasn’t keen on this idea, because not only did she not respond but she took her profile down the next day. Dafuq…?

Single Mother 11
She sent me a message that she thought I was one of the most interesting, intelligent, and attractive people on the site, and wanted to get to know me. I just nodded my head in agreement. But apparently she missed the part about me not wanting kids. Sigh. What to do with this one…

Yoga Girl
I invested almost an entire month in this one. Three weeks on OKC. One week on the phone. THEN I suggested meeting. Dinner and a movie, the old cliché, but she left an opening when she told me she likes going to movies but needs someone to go with. I’d have to be a complete numbskull to miss that one. And she was totally down for it. She even told me I had voice like chocolate (whatever that meant).

There was only one problem: she completely stood me up. I never heard anything from her since.  And guess what else? She took her profile down the next day.  (For some reason that happens to me a lot.)  And this is the second time I’ve been stood up.  Five-and-a-half years on this site, and the closest I’ve gotten in all that time is getting stood up twice. Meanwhile, every time I log into WordPress and open my Reader tab I’m bombarded with posts from bloggers I follow, describing the people they’ve met and the dates they’ve gone on. Shitty dates, maybe, but at least they’re going on dates. I don’t get it.

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24 thoughts on “So close, yet so far

  1. I don’t know, maybe they have a last minute OMG-this-dude-could-be-a-serial-killer moment, not implying that you give off serial killer vibes or anything but it can be a bit scary meeting someone off the net. But take heart at least your making the first steps, even if it is over and over again, eventually it’ll work out-then you’ll have a really weird first date story instead 😉
    Vanessa

  2. Do you live where you went to high school? When my ex and I broke up, I ended up in contact with a bunch of guys that I went to school with who I really never even talked to. I just sent them random messages, asking about something specific to start a convo (I asked one about his gym, another i said he had come up in a convo with a friend when we were talking about school and asked how he’d been). It was actually a lot of fun.

  3. I think you should have pursued fashion girl 2 a little more. sometimes girls are a bit crap – whenever i’ve looked at profiles multiple times (more than ¾) then it means I’m interested but shy. It sucks that she didn’t reply to your voicemail, but there could be any number of reasons things went south. Maybe you could have tried her again?

  4. Dude, I don’t get it! What’s wrong with the women in your area? Is there some sort of disease that causes flakiness?

  5. Clearly the pool that whatever that site is giving you, blows and not the good blow as in job as in curl his toes while I….
    In any event, let’s pick a different pool of women (girls)!!
    Be bold and go for it- like a Craig’s list ad naming a place you will be only one day for a set time range. You may get a few girls or none, BUT fuck it I think it’ll be fun!

    On another note, do you know what you are looking for? Do you have a type? I mean obviously she has to give good head, haha. I always said God didn’t make me a boy because I would have girls plotting my death over my crudeness.
    Anyway.
    Think big, bold and fucking roll with it- screw the site for now 🙂

      • I mean I’m all for “try, try again” but there does come a point where you are just standing in a room banging your head against the wall.
        So yes I think a new pool of women or a new tactic is needed!
        Then again, I’m not sure I’m one to be giving advice with my whole “EV” and Lopez saga that continues in my life.
        I just know bold gets my attention as well as many other girls.
        I for one appreciate someone’s wit and banter, others do not.
        – I know I’m blending posts here…. BUT
        Darlin’ you are well built as you are.
        I think you’re fine, young for me, but definitely would be some good playtime. 😉

        Hope Friday plays nice 🙂

  6. Maybe the problem is the long approach you’re taking. I met my boyfriend on OKC. We actually met the very first day we talked. While someone who just opened their profile and is brand new to online dating might be skittish, most of us want to get right to meeting to figure out if the person is worth our time. While you’re spending weeks to months just chatting, some other guy has probably taken initiative and met her. If they like each other in person, no matter how great your little message exchanges are, she’s gonna shut down her profile and explore the guy with balls enough to ask her out.

    Another thing… ditch the phone call. Women of your generation (and mine) don’t talk on the phone anymore. Except to our mothers. We email and text and some tweet, but we don’t want to talk to you on the phone first. I did that once, with one guy. When I did end up meeting him, he was totally different than his profile picture and very weird. The longer you drag it out online and on the phone the more we think that there’s something really wrong with you.

    • I dunno, I was just following the advice others had been giving me. I *had* been asking people to meet either right away or after a few days. That was my approach for the longest time. And it wasn’t working. Every time I suggested it, the conversation would flatline. That’s when some people started telling me, “no no no, you’re asking them out way too soon, you need to build rapport first, you need to talk on the phone first, they need to make sure you’re not a serial killer, if you ask them out too soon you’re going to scare them off because you’re putting all this pressure on them, etc. etc.”

      All of which I thought was ridiculous, because I don’t believe you can really get to know a person through typing, and I think going through all these steps before meeting is just silly. And what’s there to be scared of if you just pick a public place with lots of people? But I figured maybe that was the answer to my problem, so that’s why I adopted my new, longer approach. Which isn’t working either.

      • Sorry that I contradicted others here, but that’s just been my experience. Anyone who has spent any amount of time online dating knows that you can talk and talk and talk and never know if you’d have chemistry with someone in person. The slow approach might work for someone skittish or intimidated by online dating. But I would bet that for most people figuring out if there’s a “click” in person is the preference. It only takes one or two experienced being really excited about someone online and realizing that in person it falls flat before you get tired of wasting your time.

        Personally, I want a man who is a man. It may not be true for all women, but if a guy takes too long to ask me out, I lose interest. By the time he gets around to asking I’ve either stopped responding, moved on, or already decided that he’s too passive for me. More than one man missed out on the chance to meet me because he wasted time, wasn’t direct, or didn’t make definitive plans. And once I found the man for me we dated for only a short amount of time (two or three weeks) before I closed my profile. Women just don’t stay on the online dating market for long, so if you waste time you’ll likely miss out.

        • I’ve had other people give me the advice you’ve given me, which is why I started taking that approach in the first place. I was told, “you shouldn’t waste time talking for weeks or months – you should arrange to meet as soon as possible and find out whether you’re wasting your time.” I was told, “if a girl is not interested in meeting right away then move on to the next one because she’s not serious.” I was told “a girl likes a man with a plan.”

          I’d do all that. I’d come up with a plan, a time and date and place… no dice. I don’t get it.

          • That is possible. It could be that something in your profile or approach is not right. Or maybe they just aren’t ready. Possibly it’s that you’re so straightforward and adamant about not wanting children. While I’m not one of them, many, many women in the early to late twenties age frame want marriage followed shortly by babies.

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