In 1961, John Howard Griffin posed as a black man and travelled through the segregated South, and published his experiences in a book titled Black Like Me. In 1997, Shawn Hunter posed as a girl in Boy Meets World and his experiences were turned into a column in the school’s newspaper titled “Chick Like Me.” And now, in 2013, I’ve decided to pose as a chick on an online dating site. Half of the girls on dating sites spend half of their profiles complaining about the messages they receive. I wanted to find out exactly what they were experiencing.
First, I grabbed a couple of sexy girl pics off Google Images. Next, I wrote a profile compiling every overused cliché I’d ever seen. Then I posted it all online and sat back and waited.
The response was immediate and overwhelming. Within the first 24 hours I received almost 250 visitors and 100 messages. In the week since I’ve received another 400 visitors and 80 messages. Wow. And the messages were all pretty much like this:
“hey” Hey what…?
“what’s up?” Really? That’s all you have to say?
“hey, my name is Mike” Is it me or is every guy named “Mike”?
“you wanna go grab a drink sometime?” Wow. In the very first email. Talk about getting right down to business without preamble.
“how was your weekend?” In response to the fiftieth guy who wrote this, I replied: “It wasn’t so good actually – I just found out my grandpa’s in the hospital after he fell off his toilet trying to change a light bulb”. When the same guy wrote back to find out how “grandpa” was I told him he had died. “Oh I’m sorry to hear that babe… so you wanna grab a drink sometime?”
“got any plans for today?” Yes – waiting for better messages.
“so what brings you to this site?” I’ll give you three guesses.
“hey, nice to meet you!” Uh, you haven’t met me yet, dumbass.
“nice pics!” I know. 😉
“im sure you get this all the time but your beautiful” Wonderful! Really original.
“if u wanna chat sometime msg me back” Oho, is that what I have to do? Thanks! I had no idea how this worked…
“can you tell me a little more about yourself?” Hm. I guess you didn’t/can’t read my profile.
“whats ur name” That was the opening line in my self-summary. Fail.
“so hows the whole online dating thing treating ya?” Oh, if you only knew…
The list goes on. You get the idea. I don’t think I’ve gotten one intelligent message. If I had it’s certainly lost in the crowd. Probably what my problem is when I send messages. It’s very eye-opening seeing what I’m up against, seeing what it’s like from a girl’s perspective. I really have to step up my game here. But it’s unbelievable what tools these guys are. Are they really surprised when they get no response? And at first I wasn’t going to message anyone back (as a joke) but I just had to mess with some of them. I wanted to see what I could say that would turn these guys off.
Nothing, apparently. One guy messaged me asking if I was in the same part of the city as him. I happened to know that was a heavily Jewish area, so I wrote back: “aren’t there a lot of Jews there? I don’t really like Jews LOL – are you Jewish?”
His response? “lmao baby no I’m not jewish no worries it’s all good. I don’t like them either. so you wanna grab a drink sometime?” *facepalm* If I said I liked to murder black babies and drink their blood, they’d still be trying to get in “my” pants. After the first day I just stopped responding. There was no way to keep up with the volume flowing into my inbox.
Maybe online dating just attracts these types. I’ve already fielded requests from guys wanting to have discreet affairs, or inviting me to swinger parties. Naturally, I wrote them back asking for details. And I got them. Boy, did I get them…