Your online dating profile sucks

[Updated July 21, 2013]

Ladies, I’ve read your online dating profiles. Literally thousands of them.

They blow ass.  Okay, not all of them.  But a lot of them do.

(If you’re a man, then click here for a quick guide to what’s wrong with yours). For starters, let me tell you what your profile says.  By this point I don’t even need to see it.  I already know what you’ve written:

“Hey, my name is ____ and I’m 22 years old and I live in ____.”  Yeah, we know.  Your age and location are already on your profile by default.

“I hate filling these out. I don’t know what to say here – how do you sum up yourself in a couple paragraphs?” If you really can’t come up with anything to say about yourself, then I assume you’re a real bore and there’s nothing interesting to discover about you.

“I’m going to stop here because if I go on and on we won’t have anything to talk about!” If you stop here, we definitely won’t have anything to talk about.  Give me something to work with.

“There’s a whole lot more to me but why spoil the mystery?”  The mystery is why so many of you think this constitutes a sufficient self-summary.  I don’t message people hoping they turn out to be interesting; I message interesting people.

“Just message me if you want to know more.”  Why do I have to make all the effort?  What am I supposed to message you about when you don’t say anything about yourself?  “Um… so what do you do for fun?”   

“I’ll fill this out later.” Too late.  Maybe you could have gotten it ready beforehand, instead of posting nothing. There a thousand other profiles I can look at and it’s unlikely I’ll come back to yours.

“I’m new to this whole online dating thing. I don’t normally do this type of thing. I thought I’d just try it out. Some friends recommended it so I thought I’d give it a shot.”   Most of us are new to this.  We’re ALL giving this a shot.  The purpose of this site is self-explanatory.  You don’t need to explain why you’re on here.  Be confident without making excuses.

“I’m not really looking, I’m just seeing what’s out there.” Or: “I’m just on here for the lolz.” Okay then, you sound like a complete waste of time.  I guess I won’t be messaging you since you’re “just looking.”  Enjoy the view from up there!  Unless you really are looking but you’re trying to act “too cool for this shit,” or you don’t want to appear desperate.

“I just got out of a long-term relationship and I’m not ready to jump into another relationship.”  So come back when you are ready.  Might I add that it’s not really a good idea to advertise that you’ve just broken up with someone.  Red flags abound and you’re likely just looking for an ego boost before you flake.

“I’m just looking to make friends and see where it goes.”  Yeah… nobody is on a dating site looking for friends.  Try again.

“Sigh. I’m back here giving it one last shot, but I think I’m done with this site. I’m probably just going to delete this whole thing soon.”   Thank you for bestowing upon us your final half-assed attempt.

“I’m pretty shy at first but I warm up quickly once I get to know you.”  My God, what is it with everybody being shy and warming up quickly??

“I’m very family-oriented and it would be great if you were too.”   What exactly does this mean, anyway?  I’m just going to interpret it as: “I like kids and I want kids really soon and you’d better too.”

“I’m really sarcastic/I speak fluent sarcasm.” Why does every girl tout “being sarcastic” as if it’s a winning personality trait?  It isn’t.

“I’m spontaneous and random.”  Uhh… okay.  Examples?

“I have a great sense of humor.  I’m really witty.  I can be really silly or goofy at times.”  Once again… if you say so.  You didn’t provide any examples so I guess I’ll just have to take your word for it.  OMG lolz you’re so funny!

“I have a dog and he’s like my baby.”   No, he isn’t.  You didn’t have a dog because your ex-boyfriend was too drunk to pull out.

“I’m not into the whole bar/club scene anymore and I’m tired of hearing from guys who just want to get laid.”  You’re still going to hear from them.  Putting it in your profile will not stop that.  Plus it sounds whiny.  (More on this later.)

“I’m a smart, indepedant women [sic]” Whoops.  Fail.

“I can come across as a bitch sometimes.”  Probably because you are?

“I’m just as happy getting dressed up and going out as I am spending the night in curled up on the couch in sweatpants watching a good movie.” If you actually have anything interesting or different to say about yourself, now is the time to do it.  You’re not going to entice me if you sound like a thousand other girls’ profiles.

“I’m a very laid-back, down-to-earth and easygoing kind of girl. I like to try new things.  I believe in living life to the fullest. I’m looking for a good guy with a good head on his shoulders, a guy who’s motivated and passionate about something and who knows what he wants, who can keep me on my toes, who knows how to have fun but knows when to be serious as well and tell me when I’m wrong.  My family and my friends mean the world to me and I would do anything for them.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s the little things that matter most.  Live Laugh Love.  If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best.” zzzzzzzzzz…  Good God, it’s like reading a form letter.  Did one person write everyone’s profile?  Where’s the hook?  How do I take all this generic crap and try start a conversation without sending you lame messages like “omg I like to try new things too – what a coincidence!”

“You should message me if you think we might be a match or if we have things in common.”  Let’s welcome our next contestant into the category of The Bleeding Obvious.

“The first thing people notice about me is my eyes or smile.”  That’s a nice thought.  But we’re guys.

“I like the Fifty Shades of Grey series.”  No comment.

::Pictures of you and your niece/nephew/godchild::  If you don’t have kids, then why are there pictures of you with kids?  I don’t understand this.  Someone explain to me why you all keep doing this, especially when you have to keep putting “Not my kid!! That’s my nephew!” disclaimers in your profile.  And do their parents know you’re posting pictures of their children on a dating site?

::Pictures of you with your arm around… some guy::   Posting pictures of yourself with other guys is a really poor way to introduce yourself to a new guy.  I’m not quite sure what you’re thinking when you do this.  I don’t care if it’s your brother, your cousin or your best friend since kindergarten (half of the time you don’t even say who it is!) – get rid of it.  Some of you even make this your main pic, which is just… NO.  Besides, how do you feel when you click on a guy’s profile and see pictures of him with other girls?

::Group shot!::  Not only that, but every one of your pics is a group shot.  Okay… and which one is you?  I shouldn’t have to go through all your photos trying to figure this out. You also don’t want guys being distracted by your hotter friends.  In fact, don’t even be surprised when guys message you asking about them, because a lot of them will.

::Whee, I’m skydiving and giving a double-thumbs up!::  Only two things fall out of the sky: birdshit and fools.

skydive

But now, onto my favorite part!  This unbearable crap:

“I hate liars. I hate cheaters. I hate drama”

-“I’M SICK OF GUYS WHO PLAY GAMES”

-“I’ve been hurt in the past and I’m done with that”

-“I just want to find an honest guy”

-“I want to find a MAN, not a boy”

-“Where are the real men at??”

-“I’m tired of all the bullshit”

-“I’ve had my heart broken”

-“I’m good at weeding out the assholes so don’t even try to play me”

-“Just need to find somebody who’s LOYAL”

-“Are there any good guys left??”

-“I’m tired of all the losers I keep meeting on this site”

-“I just want ONE guy to prove to me they aren’t all the same”

-“I want a guy who’s actually ready for a SERIOUS COMMITMENT”

-“RAWR RAWR RAWR RAWR RAWR!”

Bleeding Christ… what the hell happened to you?  Please, do us all a favor and sit down somewhere and unpack your baggage.  You are clearly dealing with serious issues and you’re not ready for a relationship at this time.  Besides, ranting about your failed relationships on your dating profile is not only extremely unattractive, but it makes you look like a really poor judge of character and an even worse catch.

Finally, the message qualifying round:

-“Don‘t message me if you’re a creep or you’re just looking for sex”

-“Don’t message me if you have shirtless mirror pics”

-“Don’t look/act like one of those Jersey Shore type guys”

-“Please say something more than ‘hi’ or ‘what’s up’”

-“Actually READ my profile and mention something from it so I know you read it and aren’t just sending the same message to a hundred girls”

-“Know the difference between your/you’re and there/their/they’re”

You’re still going to get messages from those guys because A) they didn’t read your profile or B) they did read your profile and don’t care.  But your profile should be warm and inviting, not an opportunity to vent your grievances.  Otherwise I’m being put on the defensive before I even message you.

End rant.

47 thoughts on “Your online dating profile sucks

  1. Wow…this was quite a rant and a whole lot to take in. Thankfully, I’m not really guilty of the things you’ve posted! Oh except for the one car picture. But out of everything you said, that’s not bad right? Lol

    Oh and at the very end I say I probably won’t respond to “hi” or “hey.” I’m assuming I should take that part out?

    After reading everything you write, I’m actually really proud of myself for not having any if that stuff wrong with my profile

    This post was very informational. Thank you for shamelessly promoting yourself on my blog 😉

    • Haha, thanks… I take pride in my rants. And if you’ve looked at literally thousands of profiles like I have, you get plenty of material to work with. If I were you I probably wouldn’t sweat too much about changing anything. From what I’ve read, you’re meeting guys and going on dates, so you’re obviously doing something right.

      But seriously though, what is it with the car pictures…?

      • I’m not going out on as many dates as I would like….So maybe I’ll take another look at my profile.

        I’m not really sure what it is about car pictures! LOL. What is it about guys and their bathroom pictures?! I guess we all have our “go-to” pictures.

  2. I feel good knowing that I have passed my online dating profile by your standards.

    I wrote too much in my profile that I had to scale it down, clearly I think alot about myself. It also only contains my occupation, my studies, my likes and things I have done that are worth sharing. My age, height and ideals are listed in the checkbox which is mandatory so no need to repeat.
    I also don’t have pictures with a teapot pose, I have a full length shot to show I am not a whale and then a few head shots, all without sunnies (I am hiding nothing)
    And….I’ll finish it off by saying, I dont discuss boken hearts, bad relationships or game playing in my profile, along with my blog where I pretty much dish the dirt on every guy I date. Turn off much.

    Phew!

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. A company that assists in setting up dating profiles is a must. I think men are worse than women.

    • Ah, but does your profile display a winning personality like mine? 😀 That’s the key. Seriously, though, that is what I look for, i.e. if you’re a fun, goofy person I want to read a fun, goofy profile. Too many girls post boring, government-issued profiles that read like resumes.

      Personally I don’t mind length. I like a profile that I can sink my teeth into, something that gives me conversation starters. But that’s just me.

      I haven’t really looked at guys’ profiles much. Maybe I’ll do another post deconstructing their profiles like I deconstructed their messages. I’m sure I’ll have plenty of material to work with.

      “Teapot pose” lmao that’s perfect…

      I’m all aboard for that company, although there is going to be stiff competition. You know those dating sites already have those lame “profile writing tips” videos… 😛

  3. I fucking love this post. It inspired a rant of my own. For this, I give thanks. I’m in limbo myself, because I want you to keep writing, but I also want you to be successful. Fuck-world problems.

  4. Hilarious! I don’t think I’m guilty of any of this, but I feel like I should send you a link to my profile to have you double check it…
    Surprisingly, I see these same things in most men’s profiles too.

  5. Basically…women don’t know what they want but we know what we don’t want (naked mirror photos and ‘riting like dis’)

    You may tick all the boxes but unfortunately it’s human nature that once she sees your photos and profile she will know whether she’s attracted no matter how funny/charming your message was. If you’re lucky she’ll be decent to give it a try and message back but generally speaking if you find someone unattractive no number of jokes will make sex happen lol

  6. Awesome post! A lot of these frustrations I’ve commented on myself:

    “How to write a shit profile” template
    Types of women you’ll see online dating (some good, some bad)
    Observations of online dating

    “I’m very family-oriented and it would be great if you were too.” What exactly does this mean, anyway? I’m just going to interpret it as: “I like kids and I want kids really soon and you’d better too.”

    To me this screams “I’m desperate to get pregnant”

  7. These are hilarious and so true, and guys definitely do some of these things too. Most common I’ve seen among guys is the shirtless “selfie” picture, wearing sunglasses, dog picture (often the dog by itself…really?), at a ridiculous party, holding a fish you just caught (shockingly common), and travel pics.

    • I think the female equivalent of the male “shirtless selfie” would be what I call the “POF pout”. Usually in skin tight clothing, selfie taken with the camera on the mobile phone, 45 degree angle and doing that stupid duck face. Why anybody would think that’s attractive is anybody’s guess.

  8. Wow. That was the longest rant I’ve ever read. I understand you’re trying to be honest, but the way you said some of the stuff you said just sounds harsh and uncalled for. Maybe you’re being too nice to women?

  9. Thank GOD someone has also seen the weird hip popping, knee bend, head tilt pictures that girls are taking nowadays. I seriously thought i was the only one that thought it looked so friggin stupid! I have a sister that does this in EVERY photo. You’d think that girls would stop doing it when every other girl is doing the same pose.

    You have made my life complete 🙂

  10. I hear you, I wrote one of there rants myself a few months ago.
    I’ve come to a conclusion, though: the vast majority of Earth’s population is stupid and uninteresting. So are people on dating sites, as a consequence.
    All the girls out there dating GI-Joe machos you referred to? Are exactly the same ones who completed their online profiles as you described above. And you want to swap places with the guidos…?
    Interesting, smart people want to date smart, interesting people. Unfortunately, those are insanely hard to find.

  11. My profile has none of those things that you mentioned in it. I’m in Rhode Island and the dating scene here is really tough. And FYI, all the mens profiles say the same exact thing as well. It’s so redundant reading them too.

  12. I absolutely love this post. I think I agree most with your reader who said that 99% of people on Earth are stupid and online dating profiles reflect that. Sigh. How utterly depressing. PS, when I bother to write a profile (since most guys go by a photo and that’s all), I try to make it succinct, true to who I am, unconventional (goes without saying) and short. I never use a single cliché from your horrific list of sins against humanity above.

  13. I think you’re clearly an exceptional man. Trouble is, exceptional people often kind it hard to meet their kind. I am about half way through your blog for research purposes (expect interview questions soon) and it is so funny, articulate and perplexing.

  14. I stumbled across this post.. Damn, I probably am comitting quite a few of these sins. Makes me curios what you’d think of my profile

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