[Updated July 21, 2013]
Ladies, I’ve read your online dating profiles. Literally thousands of them.
They blow ass. Okay, not all of them. But a lot of them do.
(If you’re a man, then click here for a quick guide to what’s wrong with yours). For starters, let me tell you what your profile says. By this point I don’t even need to see it. I already know what you’ve written:
“Hey, my name is ____ and I’m 22 years old and I live in ____.” Yeah, we know. Your age and location are already on your profile by default.
“I hate filling these out. I don’t know what to say here – how do you sum up yourself in a couple paragraphs?” If you really can’t come up with anything to say about yourself, then I assume you’re a real bore and there’s nothing interesting to discover about you.
“I’m going to stop here because if I go on and on we won’t have anything to talk about!” If you stop here, we definitely won’t have anything to talk about. Give me something to work with.
“There’s a whole lot more to me but why spoil the mystery?” The mystery is why so many of you think this constitutes a sufficient self-summary. I don’t message people hoping they turn out to be interesting; I message interesting people.
“Just message me if you want to know more.” Why do I have to make all the effort? What am I supposed to message you about when you don’t say anything about yourself? “Um… so what do you do for fun?”
“I’ll fill this out later.” Too late. Maybe you could have gotten it ready beforehand, instead of posting nothing. There a thousand other profiles I can look at and it’s unlikely I’ll come back to yours.
“I’m new to this whole online dating thing. I don’t normally do this type of thing. I thought I’d just try it out. Some friends recommended it so I thought I’d give it a shot.” Most of us are new to this. We’re ALL giving this a shot. The purpose of this site is self-explanatory. You don’t need to explain why you’re on here. Be confident without making excuses.
“I’m not really looking, I’m just seeing what’s out there.” Or: “I’m just on here for the lolz.” Okay then, you sound like a complete waste of time. I guess I won’t be messaging you since you’re “just looking.” Enjoy the view from up there! Unless you really are looking but you’re trying to act “too cool for this shit,” or you don’t want to appear desperate.
“I just got out of a long-term relationship and I’m not ready to jump into another relationship.” So come back when you are ready. Might I add that it’s not really a good idea to advertise that you’ve just broken up with someone. Red flags abound and you’re likely just looking for an ego boost before you flake.
“I’m just looking to make friends and see where it goes.” Yeah… nobody is on a dating site looking for friends. Try again.
“Sigh. I’m back here giving it one last shot, but I think I’m done with this site. I’m probably just going to delete this whole thing soon.” Thank you for bestowing upon us your final half-assed attempt.
“I’m pretty shy at first but I warm up quickly once I get to know you.” My God, what is it with everybody being shy and warming up quickly??
“I’m very family-oriented and it would be great if you were too.” What exactly does this mean, anyway? I’m just going to interpret it as: “I like kids and I want kids really soon and you’d better too.”
“I’m really sarcastic/I speak fluent sarcasm.” Why does every girl tout “being sarcastic” as if it’s a winning personality trait? It isn’t.
“I’m spontaneous and random.” Uhh… okay. Examples?
“I have a great sense of humor. I’m really witty. I can be really silly or goofy at times.” Once again… if you say so. You didn’t provide any examples so I guess I’ll just have to take your word for it. OMG lolz you’re so funny!
“I have a dog and he’s like my baby.” No, he isn’t. You didn’t have a dog because your ex-boyfriend was too drunk to pull out.
“I’m not into the whole bar/club scene anymore and I’m tired of hearing from guys who just want to get laid.” You’re still going to hear from them. Putting it in your profile will not stop that. Plus it sounds whiny. (More on this later.)
“I’m a smart, indepedant women [sic]” Whoops. Fail.
“I can come across as a bitch sometimes.” Probably because you are?
“I’m just as happy getting dressed up and going out as I am spending the night in curled up on the couch in sweatpants watching a good movie.” If you actually have anything interesting or different to say about yourself, now is the time to do it. You’re not going to entice me if you sound like a thousand other girls’ profiles.
“I’m a very laid-back, down-to-earth and easygoing kind of girl. I like to try new things. I believe in living life to the fullest. I’m looking for a good guy with a good head on his shoulders, a guy who’s motivated and passionate about something and who knows what he wants, who can keep me on my toes, who knows how to have fun but knows when to be serious as well and tell me when I’m wrong. My family and my friends mean the world to me and I would do anything for them. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s the little things that matter most. Live Laugh Love. If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best.” zzzzzzzzzz… Good God, it’s like reading a form letter. Did one person write everyone’s profile? Where’s the hook? How do I take all this generic crap and try start a conversation without sending you lame messages like “omg I like to try new things too – what a coincidence!”
“You should message me if you think we might be a match or if we have things in common.” Let’s welcome our next contestant into the category of The Bleeding Obvious.
“The first thing people notice about me is my eyes or smile.” That’s a nice thought. But we’re guys.
“I like the Fifty Shades of Grey series.” No comment.
::Pictures of you and your niece/nephew/godchild:: If you don’t have kids, then why are there pictures of you with kids? I don’t understand this. Someone explain to me why you all keep doing this, especially when you have to keep putting “Not my kid!! That’s my nephew!” disclaimers in your profile. And do their parents know you’re posting pictures of their children on a dating site?
::Pictures of you with your arm around… some guy:: Posting pictures of yourself with other guys is a really poor way to introduce yourself to a new guy. I’m not quite sure what you’re thinking when you do this. I don’t care if it’s your brother, your cousin or your best friend since kindergarten (half of the time you don’t even say who it is!) – get rid of it. Some of you even make this your main pic, which is just… NO. Besides, how do you feel when you click on a guy’s profile and see pictures of him with other girls?
::Group shot!:: Not only that, but every one of your pics is a group shot. Okay… and which one is you? I shouldn’t have to go through all your photos trying to figure this out. You also don’t want guys being distracted by your hotter friends. In fact, don’t even be surprised when guys message you asking about them, because a lot of them will.
::Whee, I’m skydiving and giving a double-thumbs up!:: Only two things fall out of the sky: birdshit and fools.
But now, onto my favorite part! This unbearable crap:
–“I hate liars. I hate cheaters. I hate drama”
-“I’M SICK OF GUYS WHO PLAY GAMES”
-“I’ve been hurt in the past and I’m done with that”
-“I just want to find an honest guy”
-“I want to find a MAN, not a boy”
-“Where are the real men at??”
-“I’m tired of all the bullshit”
-“I’ve had my heart broken”
-“I’m good at weeding out the assholes so don’t even try to play me”
-“Just need to find somebody who’s LOYAL”
-“Are there any good guys left??”
-“I’m tired of all the losers I keep meeting on this site”
-“I just want ONE guy to prove to me they aren’t all the same”
-“I want a guy who’s actually ready for a SERIOUS COMMITMENT”
-“RAWR RAWR RAWR RAWR RAWR!”
Bleeding Christ… what the hell happened to you? Please, do us all a favor and sit down somewhere and unpack your baggage. You are clearly dealing with serious issues and you’re not ready for a relationship at this time. Besides, ranting about your failed relationships on your dating profile is not only extremely unattractive, but it makes you look like a really poor judge of character and an even worse catch.
Finally, the message qualifying round:
-“Don‘t message me if you’re a creep or you’re just looking for sex”
-“Don’t message me if you have shirtless mirror pics”
-“Don’t look/act like one of those Jersey Shore type guys”
-“Please say something more than ‘hi’ or ‘what’s up’”
-“Actually READ my profile and mention something from it so I know you read it and aren’t just sending the same message to a hundred girls”
-“Know the difference between your/you’re and there/their/they’re”
You’re still going to get messages from those guys because A) they didn’t read your profile or B) they did read your profile and don’t care. But your profile should be warm and inviting, not an opportunity to vent your grievances. Otherwise I’m being put on the defensive before I even message you.